Ten Reasons Not to Kill Yourself

"Beautiful grief.  No matter what your pilgrimage, you will always get your heart broken.  We have our hearts broken so we can have them reformed in a much larger way, so that we can drink from a much larger well than we ever knew existed."

-David Whyte

     1.  You are here for a reason.  The universe conspired to make you, and then bring you to this very moment.  This is the moment of legends, where the hero is faced with his own mortality.  This is the realization that happiness will be found only through surrender, that all the fighting, searching and running has brought you to a place where your heart is cracked and aching, bleeding out into what seems like emptiness.  Sometimes it seems easier to die than to live, because living touches you and breaks your heart open.  Living forces you to wake every day, on and on, facing yourself and your challenges.  And guess what.  That is why you are here.  As poet David Whyte puts it, "To fight with your failing is to ignore the entrance to the shrine itself."  You must take all of who you are, and accept it as part of your beauty.  The challenges and heartbreak are not just God, or the universe, or the world trying to smash you.  They are your salvation, your test, and your purpose for being here.  We come here to take the pain and swallow it, to digest the troubles and turn them into light.  To realize that the sorrows and sufferings, even when they seem all consuming, are only temporary lessons given to us to strengthen our souls.  

"If peace comes from seeing the whole, then misery stems from a loss of perspective."

-Mark Nepo   

  

2.  If you really believe that it is your destiny to die at your own hand, then your real work will be in finding perspective.  There is not one single person who has ever existed, from the beginning of human history, who has not felt utterly, miserably alone and disconnected at some point in their lives.  Our own consciousness can be so lonely sometimes, especially when we are suffering.  No one could possibly understand, or care...and yet, if you reach out in these moments, you will realize that so many people care about you and value your life, no matter who you are.  It may not be the people in your life, it may not even be anyone you've ever met, but if you reach out to someone when you are in need of love, understanding, or even just an ear, your life will change.  Simply put, we are connected, and we are here for the purpose of connecting.  We live in our own lonely consciousness, but we also share a collective consciousness-one that is infinite and stunning.  Even in our darkest hour, we are never alone with our pain.  It is when we are able to lift the center of our consciousness away from ourselves and our problems that we can finally behold the incredible miracle of life.

"Who would have thought that my shriveled heart could have recovered greenness?"

-George Herbert

     3.  The darkest hour leads to light.  If you choose to do the work, if you choose to persevere through these moments where you question your very worth, you will find that it is impossible for suffering to last.  It will always return, yes, just as happiness, fear, anger and love continue to cycle through.  We are vessels of change, of emotion, of longing, and none of us are exempt from feeling deeply.  Once again we are faced with the choice to close our hearts to feeling or to be cracked open in surrender, living as poet Mark Nepo calls it, "close to the bone."  Be compassionate with yourself.  Be compassionate with the little child within you.  Instead of filling your vessel with hatred and shame, fill it up with love and hope.  Allow yourself to venture into the dark, seeking the lessons that your own heart is trying to teach you, and when you have stewed enough in your darkness and misery, have the courage to lift your face to the light.   Put an arm around the part of you that is having trouble with growth.  In the suffering that we all feel, in the ache that is deep in our hearts, in the anger that we have at ourselves and others, in the horrors and miracles of being human, there is a stark beauty, a throb of joy, that brings us deeper into ourselves, and closer to the meaning of our existence.  The inner conscience, the outer world, the darkness and the light, the ticking clock and the eternal.  To live as a human means to exist in all worlds.  

"Love yourself.  Love your soul and let go of the past.  Past pain is keeping you in pain.  You don't have to deteriorate."

-Yogi Bajan

     4.  The rest of your life starts right here.  Right now.  The past does not dictate who you are and where you are going-you do.  The light of your soul is still deep within you, just waiting for you to open your heart.  Your soul is growing, shining through, and all you have to do is let go, and begin again.  Today, you are reborn.  The death of your former self has already taken place, and the light of your soul has been reborn.  Today, you can choose to do what you need to do to find the beauty that's right in front of you.  Today, you can look up and open your eyes, and realize how much you are loved.  It doesn't matter where you are coming from, it doesn't matter what you've done-your new life starts here.

"All the attractions, repulsions, thoughts and feelings don't make any difference.  They don't make you pure or impure.  They are not you.  You are the one who's watching, and that one is pure consciousness.  Don't think you'd be free if you just didn't have these kinds of feelings.  It's not true.  If you can be free even though you're having these kinds of feelings, then you're really free-because there will always be something."

-Michael A. Singer

    5.  You are not your problems.  Your problems stem from the way your own mind has tried to comprehend the world, but more often than not, our minds do not live in reality.  The only reality you will find is deep within you, beneath your mind and your thoughts.  Everything else-thoughts, events, memories, pain, will ebb and flow constantly, and all you have to do is sink down into the ancient breath of your own soul, and watch.  You don't have to get involved in the thoughts, and you don't have to continue thinking them if they don't serve you.  The real you, underneath it all, has the power to observe the craziness of the mind, and say, "How interesting that I'm feeling this.  How nice that it's just passing through."  There is no need for obsession, and no need for depression.  There is no need to take on everything bad that you feel and make it your life.  There is only the need to let the real you observe, and let go, to watch and learn without judgment, moving on slowly into better thoughts, better presence, and more joy.

"Courage is amazing because it can tap into the heart of fear, taking that frightened energy and turning it towards initiative, creativity, action and hope.  When courage comes alive, imprisoning walls become frontiers of new possibility, difficulty becomes invitation and the heart comes into a new rhythm of trust and sureness."

-John O'Donohue

     6.  Your will is always within your control.  Always.  There is never any moment, no matter how lost you may feel, when you do not have control over your own thoughts, beliefs and actions.  It is up to you to decide where you are going and what you stand for.  The moment you decide to choose courage, the moment you have changed your whole existence.  

"Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.  The kettle is singing even as it pours you a drink.  The cooking pots have left their arrogant aloofness and seen the good in you at last.  All the birds and creatures of the world are unutterably themselves.  Everything is waiting for you."

-David Whyte

     7.  There is so much to be done still!  There is so much to see!  Just think of the stories and jokes you haven't heard, the books you haven't read, the people and animals you haven't met, the beautiful sites you haven't seen.  Think of the sweet smelling rose, blooming in the rainy garden, the sun setting behind green hills, the softness of a child's embrace.  Think of the music that hasn't been written yet, all the ways you have yet to be moved.  Each moment that passes is another opportunity.  The living, breathing womb of the earth welcomes you into excitement and reverence.

"There's a community of the spirit.  Join it, and feel the delight of walking in the noisy street and being the noise...Open your hands if you want to be held...Sit down in the circle."

-Rumi

     8.  You are a piece of life, in a family of living things.  The people around you, the animals everywhere, and even the land you walk on all welcome you into being.  Each bird that flies through the sky, not knowing if this day will be his last, flies anyway, with full vigor and purpose.  The wind breathes the bird along, just as it brings a fresh breeze through your senses and down into your lungs.  The trees rustle, the dogs bark, the ocean flows, the planet turns.  This is life.  The unknowns of each day, and the daily rituals of our lives carry us forward, shaping our minds, but underneath it all, in the seat of the self, we find the strength and wisdom of all existence.  You have something to give-give it.  You have something to say-say it.  Reach out and touch damaged hearts, and watch with wonder while they open.  Jump for joy and weep in mourning.  Experience the thousands of golden threads that connect you to living.

"Forget about enlightenment.  Sit down wherever you are and listen to the wind in your veins."

-John Welwood 

     9.  It's ok to move slowly through life.  Just stay present.  You don't need perfection and you don't need instant gratification.  Life will take you through many chapters, to many destinations, and your only real job is to open your heart to it all.  You don't need to see through judgment anymore.  You can let go of the fear that you're not good enough.  You can pull yourself up out of despair at any moment, just by bringing yourself into presence.  

"In daily life, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."

-Brother David Steindl-Rast

     10.  Here we are on this planet, spinning through space, with no idea at all about why we're here.  Here we are, with our emotions and energies, the grief of loss and the miracle of joy, trying to make some sense of it all.  When you think back through the history of humanity, can you see the patterns of tradition, of government, of power, loss, and greed?  Can you see the many, many faces of people who have fought for their lives and the lives of the people they loved?  Can you see how much like your family you are, and how different?  You are part of a vast life cycle on a planet full of multiple living species, who all depend on each other.  You are a part of life.  Your energy affects the world around you, your drive helps move the planet forward.  While we may feel abandoned and insignificant in our seemingly small lives, we are actually living out the great gift that the universe has bestowed upon us.  We have an opportunity to become something our ancestors only dreamed of.  We have the ability to understand, to love and to be a positive part of human evolution.  Our feelings, our senses, our dreams and our consciousness can either tempt us to run and hide, shunning away the very reason for our existence, or they can reveal to us the infinite wonder of being alive.  Drink your loss and find what you have learned.  Thank God and the universe, and all the incomprehensible vastness for its beautiful mystery.  Thank your parents for bringing you into this journey.  Thank yourself for sticking it out so well.  Thank the animals you eat for their lives, and thank the wind for filling your lungs.  Live in wonder, reverence and gratitude, and you will find your way to fullness and joy.  Begin in this moment to seek all the beauty that the world has to offer you, and meet it with an open heart.  The rest of your life starts here.

"All the darkness!  I am going to walk into the light!"

-Job

"A Good Day" with Brother David Steindl-Rast

Love Invincible. You need to hear this.

My happy song!

This gets me every time.

Ubuntu-I am because you are.

And last but not least, the movie "Happy." Everyone needs to see this movie.

R. Noelle

Mozart speaking to Harry in the end of Steppenwolf, by Herman Hesse:

"You have got to learn to laugh. That will be required of you. You must apprehend the humor of life, its gallows-humor. But of course you are ready for everything in the world except what will be required of you. You are ready to stab girls to death. You are ready to be executed with all solemnity. You would be ready, no doubt to mortify and scourge yourself for centuries together. Wouldn't you?'
"'Oh, yes, ready with all my heart,' I cried in my misery.
'Of course! When it's a question of anything stupid and pathetic and devoid of humor or wit, you're the man, you tragedian. Well, I am not. I don't care a fig for all your romantics of atonement. You wanted to be executed and to have your head chopped off, you lunatic! For this imbecile ideal you would suffer death ten times over. You are willing to die, you coward, but not to live. The devil, but you shall live! It would serve you right if you were condemned to the severest of penalties.'
'Oh, and what would that be?'
"We might, for example, restore this girl to life again and marry you to her.'
'No, I should not be ready for that. It would bring unhappiness.'
"As if there were not enough unhappiness if all you have designed already! However, enough of pathos and death-dealing. It is time to come to your senses. You are to live and to learn to laugh. You are to learn to listen to the cursed radio music of life and to reverence the spirit behind it and to laugh at its distortions. So there you are. More will not be asked of you."

Rules for A Happy Household

"Set family intentions.  Hold the intention for a happy home life.  Hold the vision and detach from everything that doesn't fit.  Let go of the attachment to expectations.  Get playful with it, change the atmosphere, change the subject.  Engage the family-ask what a happy household means to your kids.  Everyone must be on board for this to work.  The old will disappear as you focus on the new.  Take responsibility for the wonderfulness you are creating in your life."

-Steven Morrison

     A couple years ago, my friend and therapist Steven Morrison gave me the assignment to sit down as a family and come up with a poster of "Happy Household Intentions."  We did this, together, and it was the beginning of a beautiful and challenging journey for myself, my husband and my three daughters.  Around the same time, we also put the kids on a "point system" where they get points for doing such things as chores, exercising and being extra kind, and they lose points for such things as leaving messes, violence and lying.  They gain points for reading, studying, and educational software, and they take away points for movies, t.v. and video games.  They record their points daily on a chart in the living room, and if they have fifty points at the end of the week, they get their allowance.  Any extra points over the fifty will add up month by month and can be used for things like Yogurtland or even Disneyland, depending on how much they save.

     The point system works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't.  We make the kids clean up after themselves anyway, they help with dinner anyway, they do all these things anyway, but for some reason, they are lazy with recording their points.  I remind them often to record points, but the system has to be self motivated for it to work.  We have recently cracked down on the points system again, and here's why:  if we are able to get the kids self motivated to do their work and get their allowance, then we won't have to nag them anymore!  They will get their allowance for doing the things they are already doing, and we can all be a part of a smoothly functioning household.  I still do a lot of repeating myself, but the girls are growing up fast, and it's all getting easier, little by little.

    The Happy Household intentions poster went up a couple years ago, but like anything, it's a transition.  We still fight with each other, and we still get angry.  The kids still get violent sometimes when they're angry, but they know now that there is a big price to pay.  Just this morning, my youngest lost 50 hard earned points when she punched and scratched her sister.  No one is exempt from consequences, and the best part is that I don't have to come up with a punishment on the spot.  Of course, we had a discussion and she got a time-out, but it was the points that she was really bummed about.  My point is that there are five living, breathing personalities in this household (eight if you count the cats) and of course we're going to clash sometimes.  Of course we're going to deal with anger, depression, laziness, rebellion and conflicting opinions...but now that we have both a set of intentions for a happy household and a system of reward and consequence, everyone knows exactly what's expected of them.  Removing any doubt or question on duties, behavior and boundaries gives the whole family a safe place to be themselves, and a feeling of belonging to a team.

     Every child needs to know what is expected of them in the household, and I believe it's best when those expectations prepare them for their solo integration into society.  Children should not be expected to be slaves to others, nor should they expect others to clean up after them.  They need to be taught how to be responsible for themselves and their words and actions, and they need to be taught that everything they put out into the world will come back to them.  They must have a sense of healthy community in their upbringing, if they are to carry on a strong legacy.  They must learn a sense of boundaries, and a sense of self worth.  This is our job as parents.  Our job is not to spoil them rotten with sugar and toys, to ignore them because we're too busy, or to smack them because they're too loud.  Our job is to teach them what it feels like to live in respect, to think before they speak and to have happy intentions.  The point of being a parent is to take an active role in guidance, nurture and boundary setting.  The point of being a parent is to become the very best possible version of ourselves, so that we can teach by example.  We let go of such expectations as "when will this happen and what will it look like?" and accept each other unconditionally.  We keep our eyes on the happy household intentions, each person working little by little on themselves, each person contributing to the whole.

     With all of the ups and downs we have in this household, my children have impressed me beyond belief.  They excel in school, they are very healthy, and they are wonderfully compassionate people.  Personally, I believe that they were born wonderful and that they have taught me just as much as I have taught them, but if I were to take credit for them I would say that the most important thing I ever gave my kids was love.  The consequences and rewards, the points and responsibilities, the boundaries and rules are important tools, but for kids to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what is the key to conscious parenting.  Growing up with unconditional love is what gives us the strength to be ourselves in the world, and to continue the positive evolution of our own lineage.  There is nothing more important than love, and showing our kids that we care enough to teach them and train them is just another way to express how much we love them.

     Here is our list of rules for the happy household.  This list is unique to our family and the things we're working on at the moment, but most of these rules would be relevant everywhere.  

Rules and Intentions for a Happy Household

* Speak kindly and honestly.  No trash talking, name calling or teasing.
* Treat everyone with respect.  
* If you get it out or use it, you help put it away.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Listen before you speak.  Try not to interrupt others.
* Every person who eats the food must help with dishes, cooking, table setting and blessing.
* We are all equally responsible for the care and wellbeing of our pets.
* Find a pleasant way to communicate.  Leave negativity and criticism behind.
* Build each other up, help each other out.  We are only as strong as we are united.
*  Love is our religion.
*  When we invite friends over, we show them these rules.  If our friends do not clean up after    themselves, we are personally responsible for them.
*  Be encouraging to each person in the household.  Be a part of the support system.
* Treat everyone's belongings with care, including your own.  
* We are safe to express ourselves.  We always talk to someone when something is bothering us.
* We accept each other just the way we are.
* We are in this together. 

Technical Do's and Don'ts

Do stand up for yourself.
Do stand up for each other.
Do help out without being asked, and then record points on your own.
Do record your points with every task you do.
Do fun points as well-Just Dance, swimming, reading, cooking, piano practice, educational games, etc.
Do plan sleepovers ahead of time.
Do suggest and plan fun family activities.
Do keep yourself clean and healthy.
Do encourage visitors to follow these guidelines.
Do use giraffe language.


Don't put your shoes on anyone's bed.
Don't take food into the bedroom.
Don't put your elbows on the table.
Don't use violence, ever.
Don't steal.
Don't go on electronics unless you have points.
Don't use jackal language.
Don't pass up a chance to say "I love you" or "I'm sorry."


     You will notice that I used the terms "giraffe" and "jackal" language.  This is something I got from Marshall B. Rosenberg's book Teaching Children Compassionately.  It is a book about nonviolent communication, focusing on communicating with children.  A must read for all parents.

     I hope this list inspires you to create your own happy household list or poster.  It is very difficult to change and grow, especially as a group, if the intentions are not known, shared and always evolving.  Take good care of yourself and your children, lead always by example, enjoy this moment that you have, and remember-this list isn't just for your kids-it's for you too!

"Family is not an important thing.  It's everything"

-Michael J. Fox

"A happy family is but an earlier Heaven."

-George Bernard Shaw

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement.  Improve your attitude towards your family."

-Bo Bennett

"The family is the nucleus of civilization."

-Will Durant

"The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home."

-Confucius

"Charlotte" by Rebecca Noelle

www.RNoelle.com

For One Who Is Exhausted

    "That which is destroyed in a person during conscious work brings new life.  Creativity comes through death, as the death wish simultaneously becomes the wish to be reborn.  You must be destroyed in the process of being reborn."

-Rudi

    I go through periods of time when I'm just downright tired of being human.  As the alarm pulls me out of my dreams in the morning, I groan, wishing I could stay in that dream world forever.  Meanness, rudeness and indifference stab like a knife, and I feel myself choosing between sad defeat and angry retaliation.  Either way, I feel horrible-about myself, about others, about life, about the world.  There are many things I have been working on within myself, and none of them seem to be improving.  All that work, all that pain, to just be in the same place, with the same problems.

     There is no way for us to see clearly where we are going, and who we are becoming.  We see everything through tainted eyes that are full of beliefs, opinions, judgments.  At times like these, I feel old, ugly, and completely incapable of doing all of the things I want to do with my life and my relationships.  All the work I've put into growing and changing seems to slip back into nothingness, and there I am again-the same child, with a big huge wall around her.  Despite the constant work of opening, opening, opening, I feel cursed with the belief that I will never really be open because my brokenness has healed over into a big, ugly scar.  

     Even though I feel completely alone with my problems, I know that we all experience these days.  We all feel angry, used and tired, fed up with constant inner work and facing triggers.  The work of growing and changing is hard stuff, and sometimes the hard part comes when we think we should have changed already.  But how are we to know, when we are stuck inside ourselves, living our daily life, what true change will actually look and feel like?  We don't.  We just have to continue on every day, facing ourselves and each other, and praying that our decisions and beliefs are leading us into a good place, away from the circles of conditioning and patterns.

     Being in this place, I think, is a normal part of life.  It is whether you are still circling in old conditioning, or you are pushing the envelop and building something new for yourself.  It's scary and it's trying, but it's normal.  When people decide to become something new and really look deep within their hearts to find out what needs to be healed, this is only the beginning of the change.  The rest of the change is a moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month practice that has its ups and its downs.  Sometimes you impress yourself by exhibiting a new behavior or learning a new tool.  Sometimes you disappoint yourself by sliding back into old, embarrassing patterns.  There is no such thing as a perfect human, and to have a life based on growth is to have a life of ongoing work.  

     We must be patient with ourselves and each other.  We must keep moving slowly toward the happiness and love that we want, always believing that we are capable and worthy of having it.  When we are lost, we don't always need direction or advice, although that is what most people will want to give.  What we need, at our lowest moments, when we are feeling burdened by just being ourselves, the best thing anyone can say to us is, "I know what that's like.  I go there sometimes too.  Don't worry-you will find your way out, into something beautiful.  You are loved, and you are capable of having the life that you want.  Keep up the good work."

"For One Who Is Exhausted"

by John O'Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,

Time takes on the strain until it breaks;

Then all the unattended stress falls in

On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before

Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you,

Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.

And you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down;

And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest 

And patiently learn to receive the self

You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken

And sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;

Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up

To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain

When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,

Taking time to open the well of color

That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone 

Until its calmness can claim you.

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.

Learn to linger around someone of ease

Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,

Having learned a new respect for your heart

And the joy that dwells far within slow time."

For this painting and others, please visit www.RNoelle.com