1. "That person is better than me."
Sometimes I marvel at how much time I've wasted on jealousy and insecurity. Wanting to be prettier, wanting a better body, wanting more money, wanting fame, wanting so many things that seem to make other people happy. Many of us spend our entire lives wishing we were someone else, while the real us is under there going, "Hey-I'm pretty amazing too, if you'd just give me a chance to grow!" It doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside, how smart or strong or talented they are, how much they know, or how many possessions they own. What matters is the thing that we each came to this earth with, and the thing that we will be taking with us when we die. What matters is our spirit. If you take everything else away, and see everything and everyone as spirit, you begin to realize that nobody could possibly be any better than anyone else. The best people in the history of humanity have been the people who became the best versions of themselves, and who lived purely through their spirits. It is not my job to criticize everything about myself from birth until death. It is my job to become myself, without any comparison to anyone else.
As Epictetus said in The Art of Living, "How easily dazzled and deceived we are by eloquence, job title, degrees, high honors, fancy possessions, expensive clothing, or a suave demeanor. Don't make the mistake of assuming that celebrities, public figures, political leaders, the wealthy, or people with great intellectual or artistic gifts are necessarily happy. To do so is to be bewildered by appearances and will only make you doubt yourself. Remember: The real essence of good is found only within things under your own control. If you keep this in mind, you won't find yourself feeling falsely envious or forlorn, pitifully comparing yourself and your accomplishments to others. Stop aspiring to be anyone other than your own best self: for that does fall within your control."
2. I am better than that person.
As we go around comparing ourselves to everyone else, we feel envious of those who we feel are "better," than us, but at the same time, we have the audacity to believe that some people are "not as good" as us. Think about it-who do you look down upon? Who do you consider to be stupid, ugly, gross, annoying, mean, insane, pathetic or worthless? Drug addicts? Prostitutes? Murderers? Beggars? A co-worker or family member? Is there a whole group of people who you despise? A different political party than your own? People of another religion? Another race? Another sex? If we are honest with ourselves, most of us can probably fill a page with people who we have looked down upon at one time or another.
Many people are lost, yes. There are countless humans committing countless atrocities, as there have been since the beginning of time. There are a billion different beliefs, a billion different view points. We cannot control what others will do with their lives, or the paths that they decide to take. To see someone as worthless is to suffer from your own lack of vision and understanding. To look down on anyone is to lose reverence for all of life, including your own. The moment you close your heart and feel arrogance instead of compassion, pride instead of mercy, and vanity instead of humanity, is the moment when your own evolution, and the evolution of the human race comes to a screeching halt. Reverend Jesse Jackson put it so well when he said, "Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up."
3. I am my mind.
You know all those thoughts you have circling around your brain all the time? You know how those voices in your head love to bother you constantly? Do you believe that this conflicting, pestering worrying, obsessing parade of thoughts and emotions is you? No one knows why, but this is the way our brains work-through thinking, talking and bickering, through selectively focusing and obsessing, through multiple channels of thought consciousness, all the time. Our mind can be a beautiful thing, full of creativity, knowledge and focus...but it can also be the death of us. Think about how many people throughout history have wallowed in their anger and depression, who have allowed themselves to go mad over one event or one person, who have slipped off into another realm, completely within their own minds.
This steady stream of thoughts, both the good ones and the bad ones, is one of the most difficult parts of being human. This is why we meditate, and why some can spend an entire lifetime just learning how to still the mind and release the ego. You get used to the sound of our own voice in your head, and many of us believe that that is who we are. However, if that constant speaking voice in your head is you, then who is the one listening? You are not the thoughts-you are the one who is hearing them. Dig a little deeper, below your brain and your mouth. Dig down into your heart and your stomach, and there you will find the pureness of who you really are.
4. I am my body.
The beauty industry loves to take advantage of this belief. The amount of time and money that is spent on outer appearances is horrifying, because countless people look at themselves in the mirror and believe that that is who they are. Rather than listening to a woman and hearing her speak from her heart, we look at her breasts, her butt, her lips, her eyelashes, comparing her to our own idea of "perfection." Rather than respect a man for his nobility and character, we appraise his body like a piece of meat and scrutinize his face with a keen eye. No one is immune from physical judgment-it is a part of life. But we all know that the real person is hiding just below the surface. We all come to know, little by little, that appearances are only an insignificant part of our vast experience, and a minuscule bit of who we actually are.
Of course we all need to eat well and exercise...but the depth of our loveliness does not come from outside perfection-it comes from the soul within. Beautiful young people will either die or wither, and we all end up merging into the Earth in the end. Whatever body you are given, treat it kindly so that it may take you painlessly through life. Whatever face you are given, light it from within with a smile. Make eating, exercising, and all of life a part of your spiritual practice, and you will find that your body is merely an extension of the light you hold within. Your body is your host for this lifetime, and nothing more. You are bigger than anything that happens to your body.
5. There are lots of things I need in order to be happy.
Beyond basic survival, the only thing any of us really needs to be happy, is the right mindset. Once we realize that we cannot control events, circumstances and other people, then we can just relax into being happy for whatever comes. We need only to make the decision to be happy, no matter what the circumstances, and we have saved ourselves from a life of conditional happiness. You don't need that one house, or that one car, that one partner, that one job, that one hairdo, or that one opportunity to be happy. In fact, there is very, very little that you do need. If you make the decision to be happy anyway, you will open yourself up to endless opportunity, and in the meantime you will lead a fulfilling life.
As Michael A. Singer so clearly stated in Untethered Soul, "Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything. You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life? The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're doing with the rest of your life is already defined-you're letting go of yourself so that you can remain happy."
As Michael A. Singer so clearly stated in Untethered Soul, "Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything. You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life? The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're doing with the rest of your life is already defined-you're letting go of yourself so that you can remain happy."
6. I have all the time in the world.
Everyone says that the older you get, the faster time flies. As each year moves on in the blink of an eye, you begin to realize that you'd better get going on the things you really want to do. Think about it: even if you live to be 100, how much time do you have left to fulfill your legacy? What do you want to have done with your life?
Let me take that to another level and remind you that today could be your very last day here on this earth, living breathing, talking, blinking. Many, many, many people die each day, and it's only a matter of time before you are one of them, before I am one of them, before each person that we love and hate is one of them. Liz Gilbert once said, "Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water." I feel the same way about living out our unique destinies. Each and every day that we have here on this earth is a gift, and an opportunity to do the very best that we can. We must go after our lives and live out our legacies, because today could be our only chance.
7. That's just the way I am, and I can't change.
Change is funny. When you see something within you that you no longer want to live with, when the light momentarily shines on a deep chasm within you that you have been carrying around and trying to forget about, that is only the beginning. When an alcoholic decides to get sober, when an addict goes through rehab, when a wife decides to trust her husband, when a child decides to be different from his parents, this is only the beginning. Changes can be journeys, and can take lifetimes. Many people are not interested in change, because it takes vision and strength of heroic proportion. Change comes to those who are strong enough to stand up and say, "I don't know what I am growing into, but I have a vision."
Even if their choices are destroying their lives, people can be solidly resistant to change. I have heard people say things like, "I will always be fucked up," and "I never do anything right." The beginning of change happens with this person refuses to speak these words, and begins replacing them with something productive. The thoughts and words are replaced, day by day, and the mindset begins to change. This person's heart begins to open more gradually, and more of the world begins to spill in. The change that happens when we begin to exercise our will and our vision is the beginning of a new life. Anyone can do it, at any time. The trick is to keep at it, and to be patient.
8. The world is out to get me.
Since ancient times, many humans have believed this-whether it is the gods, or God, the devil or the Universe, humanity, or luck, we have always tried to blame our shortcomings on others, and our unhappiness on circumstance. The fact is, events happen as they do, and people act they way they want to-it has nothing to do with you. None of us knows what will happen from one moment to the next, and every single person who lives experiences both good and bad events, and a constant array of intense emotion. We all feel trauma, we all feel anger, and we are put here on this planet to enjoy it anyway. Life will hurt us, inevitably. People will hurt us, sometimes intentionally. It is a waste of time to take these things personally and to think that our own light is diminished by any of it.
If we can focus on the blessings in our lives, we will begin to see that rather than a bucketful of misfortune and doom, life is really an ocean of conflicting energies. Between our mindset and our decisions, we have the power to catch the positive waves, and ride them through any circumstance. Sometimes we may fall and feel the pull of darkness under us, but it is always within our will to get back up and ride another wave.
9. Pain is bad.
Some are afraid of emotional pain, some are afraid of physical pain. Some are so afraid to feel anything at all that they numb everything all the time and create buffers of comfort between themselves and the world. What they don't realize is that, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you cannot escape pain. As the First Noble Truth states in the Buddhist tradition, "Life is suffering." Of course life is suffering! Do you think that growth, change, love, death, and any of the moments we experience can happen without pain? Even the moments we love cause us pain, because we cannot experience them forever. So many times our hearts break open, and it hurts. So many beautiful times are locked forever only in our memories, and it hurts. It hurts because of all the things we want. We want happiness to last, and suffering to go away. We want more stuff that will make us happy, or we want to control events to suit our own hearts. We can never have all that we desire, and so we suffer.
A woman giving birth naturally knows that she is about to dive into a world of pain, but she also knows that motherhood lies at the other end. An athlete learns to embrace the pain of training, because he knows that many rewards lie at the other end. We can use our pain to help us grow and transform, pushing us slowly out of our cocoons, showing us how strong we really are. If we ignore the urge to stuff it down or push it away, the suffering in life will naturally rise and fall with the tide. Every time it comes up, if we allow it, it will crack us open a bit more, helping us develop more fully. Every time it goes, it will bring us gratitude for our own resilience. Learn to relax through the pain, the anger and the fear. Just feel it rise like a wave, and let it melt back down. If you relax, you can turn that energy into light.
10. Death is scary.
Here, right now, on this Earth, in our lives, everything seems so permanent. All of our relationships, all of the things we've collected and the places we've been. When I think about it, in this moment, it seems that my husband and I and my children will be here together forever. Then I begin to think about reality. The reality is that there will come a time when we have to say goodbye to each and every person that we love. Every single one. Maybe it will be you who is making the transition into the unknown, maybe it will be someone you love. Maybe it will be a long illness, and maybe it will be a sudden accident. Think of a cause of death, and I can tell you right now that it has probably happened to someone. Death lies ahead, waiting for each one of us, and not even the wisest sage or smartest person can tell us where we are going. Death is so looming and mysterious, such a companionless adventure, and from where we sit in these human lives, it can seem so scary.
Death is only scary if you try to resist it. If you actually believe that your worrying will keep your children alive, or that your health food obsession will prolong your life, you are trying to control something that is uncontrollable. Yes, your healthy food obsession might make you happier while you're here, and yes your worrying might make you a more cautious parent, but the only true peace comes in accepting that there is no escaping death. You have no control, so just surrender. You are already dead. Your time here is a quick season, and then you're off to unknown territory, where every other human has gone before you. You will not be the first to die, and you will not be the last, because it is the destiny of all living things to live out their lives and perish. There is such beauty in the realization that there could be anything beyond that tunnel of light.
Throw yourself into the winds of life and let them carry you upward. Surrender to the inevitable and find a sense of peace in it. Trust yourself and your strength, always knowing that your spirit will survive it all. Have faith in the deeper, invisible world. Embrace the mystery. Float up into your higher self, where you are connected to all that you hold dear, and you will see that there is nothing to be angry about, nothing to grieve, and nothing to fear.
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"Moonlight Beach" by R. Noelle.
