Rules for A Happy Household

"Set family intentions.  Hold the intention for a happy home life.  Hold the vision and detach from everything that doesn't fit.  Let go of the attachment to expectations.  Get playful with it, change the atmosphere, change the subject.  Engage the family-ask what a happy household means to your kids.  Everyone must be on board for this to work.  The old will disappear as you focus on the new.  Take responsibility for the wonderfulness you are creating in your life."

-Steven Morrison

     A couple years ago, my friend and therapist Steven Morrison gave me the assignment to sit down as a family and come up with a poster of "Happy Household Intentions."  We did this, together, and it was the beginning of a beautiful and challenging journey for myself, my husband and my three daughters.  Around the same time, we also put the kids on a "point system" where they get points for doing such things as chores, exercising and being extra kind, and they lose points for such things as leaving messes, violence and lying.  They gain points for reading, studying, and educational software, and they take away points for movies, t.v. and video games.  They record their points daily on a chart in the living room, and if they have fifty points at the end of the week, they get their allowance.  Any extra points over the fifty will add up month by month and can be used for things like Yogurtland or even Disneyland, depending on how much they save.

     The point system works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't.  We make the kids clean up after themselves anyway, they help with dinner anyway, they do all these things anyway, but for some reason, they are lazy with recording their points.  I remind them often to record points, but the system has to be self motivated for it to work.  We have recently cracked down on the points system again, and here's why:  if we are able to get the kids self motivated to do their work and get their allowance, then we won't have to nag them anymore!  They will get their allowance for doing the things they are already doing, and we can all be a part of a smoothly functioning household.  I still do a lot of repeating myself, but the girls are growing up fast, and it's all getting easier, little by little.

    The Happy Household intentions poster went up a couple years ago, but like anything, it's a transition.  We still fight with each other, and we still get angry.  The kids still get violent sometimes when they're angry, but they know now that there is a big price to pay.  Just this morning, my youngest lost 50 hard earned points when she punched and scratched her sister.  No one is exempt from consequences, and the best part is that I don't have to come up with a punishment on the spot.  Of course, we had a discussion and she got a time-out, but it was the points that she was really bummed about.  My point is that there are five living, breathing personalities in this household (eight if you count the cats) and of course we're going to clash sometimes.  Of course we're going to deal with anger, depression, laziness, rebellion and conflicting opinions...but now that we have both a set of intentions for a happy household and a system of reward and consequence, everyone knows exactly what's expected of them.  Removing any doubt or question on duties, behavior and boundaries gives the whole family a safe place to be themselves, and a feeling of belonging to a team.

     Every child needs to know what is expected of them in the household, and I believe it's best when those expectations prepare them for their solo integration into society.  Children should not be expected to be slaves to others, nor should they expect others to clean up after them.  They need to be taught how to be responsible for themselves and their words and actions, and they need to be taught that everything they put out into the world will come back to them.  They must have a sense of healthy community in their upbringing, if they are to carry on a strong legacy.  They must learn a sense of boundaries, and a sense of self worth.  This is our job as parents.  Our job is not to spoil them rotten with sugar and toys, to ignore them because we're too busy, or to smack them because they're too loud.  Our job is to teach them what it feels like to live in respect, to think before they speak and to have happy intentions.  The point of being a parent is to take an active role in guidance, nurture and boundary setting.  The point of being a parent is to become the very best possible version of ourselves, so that we can teach by example.  We let go of such expectations as "when will this happen and what will it look like?" and accept each other unconditionally.  We keep our eyes on the happy household intentions, each person working little by little on themselves, each person contributing to the whole.

     With all of the ups and downs we have in this household, my children have impressed me beyond belief.  They excel in school, they are very healthy, and they are wonderfully compassionate people.  Personally, I believe that they were born wonderful and that they have taught me just as much as I have taught them, but if I were to take credit for them I would say that the most important thing I ever gave my kids was love.  The consequences and rewards, the points and responsibilities, the boundaries and rules are important tools, but for kids to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what is the key to conscious parenting.  Growing up with unconditional love is what gives us the strength to be ourselves in the world, and to continue the positive evolution of our own lineage.  There is nothing more important than love, and showing our kids that we care enough to teach them and train them is just another way to express how much we love them.

     Here is our list of rules for the happy household.  This list is unique to our family and the things we're working on at the moment, but most of these rules would be relevant everywhere.  

Rules and Intentions for a Happy Household

* Speak kindly and honestly.  No trash talking, name calling or teasing.
* Treat everyone with respect.  
* If you get it out or use it, you help put it away.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Listen before you speak.  Try not to interrupt others.
* Every person who eats the food must help with dishes, cooking, table setting and blessing.
* We are all equally responsible for the care and wellbeing of our pets.
* Find a pleasant way to communicate.  Leave negativity and criticism behind.
* Build each other up, help each other out.  We are only as strong as we are united.
*  Love is our religion.
*  When we invite friends over, we show them these rules.  If our friends do not clean up after    themselves, we are personally responsible for them.
*  Be encouraging to each person in the household.  Be a part of the support system.
* Treat everyone's belongings with care, including your own.  
* We are safe to express ourselves.  We always talk to someone when something is bothering us.
* We accept each other just the way we are.
* We are in this together. 

Technical Do's and Don'ts

Do stand up for yourself.
Do stand up for each other.
Do help out without being asked, and then record points on your own.
Do record your points with every task you do.
Do fun points as well-Just Dance, swimming, reading, cooking, piano practice, educational games, etc.
Do plan sleepovers ahead of time.
Do suggest and plan fun family activities.
Do keep yourself clean and healthy.
Do encourage visitors to follow these guidelines.
Do use giraffe language.


Don't put your shoes on anyone's bed.
Don't take food into the bedroom.
Don't put your elbows on the table.
Don't use violence, ever.
Don't steal.
Don't go on electronics unless you have points.
Don't use jackal language.
Don't pass up a chance to say "I love you" or "I'm sorry."


     You will notice that I used the terms "giraffe" and "jackal" language.  This is something I got from Marshall B. Rosenberg's book Teaching Children Compassionately.  It is a book about nonviolent communication, focusing on communicating with children.  A must read for all parents.

     I hope this list inspires you to create your own happy household list or poster.  It is very difficult to change and grow, especially as a group, if the intentions are not known, shared and always evolving.  Take good care of yourself and your children, lead always by example, enjoy this moment that you have, and remember-this list isn't just for your kids-it's for you too!

"Family is not an important thing.  It's everything"

-Michael J. Fox

"A happy family is but an earlier Heaven."

-George Bernard Shaw

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement.  Improve your attitude towards your family."

-Bo Bennett

"The family is the nucleus of civilization."

-Will Durant

"The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home."

-Confucius

"Charlotte" by Rebecca Noelle

www.RNoelle.com

For One Who Is Exhausted

    "That which is destroyed in a person during conscious work brings new life.  Creativity comes through death, as the death wish simultaneously becomes the wish to be reborn.  You must be destroyed in the process of being reborn."

-Rudi

    I go through periods of time when I'm just downright tired of being human.  As the alarm pulls me out of my dreams in the morning, I groan, wishing I could stay in that dream world forever.  Meanness, rudeness and indifference stab like a knife, and I feel myself choosing between sad defeat and angry retaliation.  Either way, I feel horrible-about myself, about others, about life, about the world.  There are many things I have been working on within myself, and none of them seem to be improving.  All that work, all that pain, to just be in the same place, with the same problems.

     There is no way for us to see clearly where we are going, and who we are becoming.  We see everything through tainted eyes that are full of beliefs, opinions, judgments.  At times like these, I feel old, ugly, and completely incapable of doing all of the things I want to do with my life and my relationships.  All the work I've put into growing and changing seems to slip back into nothingness, and there I am again-the same child, with a big huge wall around her.  Despite the constant work of opening, opening, opening, I feel cursed with the belief that I will never really be open because my brokenness has healed over into a big, ugly scar.  

     Even though I feel completely alone with my problems, I know that we all experience these days.  We all feel angry, used and tired, fed up with constant inner work and facing triggers.  The work of growing and changing is hard stuff, and sometimes the hard part comes when we think we should have changed already.  But how are we to know, when we are stuck inside ourselves, living our daily life, what true change will actually look and feel like?  We don't.  We just have to continue on every day, facing ourselves and each other, and praying that our decisions and beliefs are leading us into a good place, away from the circles of conditioning and patterns.

     Being in this place, I think, is a normal part of life.  It is whether you are still circling in old conditioning, or you are pushing the envelop and building something new for yourself.  It's scary and it's trying, but it's normal.  When people decide to become something new and really look deep within their hearts to find out what needs to be healed, this is only the beginning of the change.  The rest of the change is a moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month practice that has its ups and its downs.  Sometimes you impress yourself by exhibiting a new behavior or learning a new tool.  Sometimes you disappoint yourself by sliding back into old, embarrassing patterns.  There is no such thing as a perfect human, and to have a life based on growth is to have a life of ongoing work.  

     We must be patient with ourselves and each other.  We must keep moving slowly toward the happiness and love that we want, always believing that we are capable and worthy of having it.  When we are lost, we don't always need direction or advice, although that is what most people will want to give.  What we need, at our lowest moments, when we are feeling burdened by just being ourselves, the best thing anyone can say to us is, "I know what that's like.  I go there sometimes too.  Don't worry-you will find your way out, into something beautiful.  You are loved, and you are capable of having the life that you want.  Keep up the good work."

"For One Who Is Exhausted"

by John O'Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,

Time takes on the strain until it breaks;

Then all the unattended stress falls in

On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before

Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you,

Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.

And you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down;

And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest 

And patiently learn to receive the self

You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken

And sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;

Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up

To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain

When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,

Taking time to open the well of color

That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone 

Until its calmness can claim you.

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.

Learn to linger around someone of ease

Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,

Having learned a new respect for your heart

And the joy that dwells far within slow time."

For this painting and others, please visit www.RNoelle.com

     

   

Teachers Everywhere

    "Circumstances do not rise to meet our expectations.  Events happen as they do.  People behave as they are.  Embrace what you actually get."

-Epictetus

     I know a guy who recently became paralyzed from the waist down.  When I saw him in a wheelchair, my eyes bulged and I said, "What happened?!  Did you break your leg?"  He raced over to me like a pro and told me that right after I last saw him, he had gone into the hospital for emergency surgery, and ended up going numb from the hips down.  He bruised his leg when he punched it, trying to feel something, but he can't, and nobody knows why.  All they can tell him is that he might walk again soon, but he continues to wait.  

     Here's the thing.  This guy isn't whining and moping and freaking out at all.  He's talking about how ripped his upper body is going to get, and poppin' wheelies all over the place.  He's excited about his new job, he's completely self sufficient, and he's usually smiling.  He talks openly about what's happening with him, but he doesn't dwell or dote on it.  I can tell he's impatient, I can tell he's uncomfortable, and I can tell he hates not feeling his legs, but he's living his life happily anyway. 

     This guy is someone I think a lot of people might be put off by.  He comes from poverty, he has a sordid past, and he smells like a lifetime of cigarettes.  He isn't well educated and he's kind of goofy, but he is the kind of guy who has been a caretaker for dying family members, and who is unfalteringly courteous.  He prides himself on his heart drawings, his stories, and knowledge of Motown.  He suffers the loss of his legs, and moves on with a smile.  And did I mention that he's fresh out of high school? 

     The more I get to know people, the more I realize that nobody deserves to be judged by what they seem to be.  Sometimes the dirtiest, most annoying kids have the biggest hearts.  Sometimes the beautiful, perfect people do too!  The outwardness of it all is so unimportant.  The status and clothing and stuff that we own means nothing.  Even the way we smell and the energy we put off, our deformities and disabilities, our ailments, our tans and the looks on our faces-those things are merely outward occurrences.  The stuff you never see until you sit down and talk to someone, until you sit down and listen to their story, is the stuff that actually matters.  Any person in this world can teach us a lesson if we listen.  And when you think about what each person you encounter throughout your day has been through in their lifetime (and maybe even in previous lifetimes), doesn't it make you just swell with compassion for the whole human race?  Sometimes we learn the biggest lessons in joy from the ones who have suffered the greatest losses.  Sometimes our greatest lessons in gratitude come from those who have never really had anything.  For what could we possibly need but our love, our integrity, and each other?  What more could we wish for than the intangible beauty of our dreams?

"The struggle ends when gratitude begins."

-Neil Donald Walsh

For this painting and more, please visit www.RNoelle.com

   

   

   

Stepping Boldly Into the Unknown

"Greatness is a road leading towards the unknown."

-Charles de Gaulle

     I would like to talk about the process of conscious evolution and what it really means to open up into something new.  Since change is one of the only things we can depend on in this world, wouldn't it be smart to take part in influencing what direction the change will take?  There are many things we can't change in this world, but the direction of our own consciousness isn't one of them.  We have ultimate power over our minds, our decisions, our words and our actions, but what we need to get clear on is our intention.  We need to continuously evaluate where we are going and who we are becoming, so that the outside world doesn't end up being the major force of creation in our lives.  If we let the world bash us around, with no plans for our future and no strong ideals to stick by, who knows where we will end up?  When we set clear intentions for our lives, however, we have a blueprint on how to think, speak and behave.  We have a vision in our minds of the life that we want to live.  We must ask ourselves, "In a perfect world, where nobody can say 'no,' what do I want?"

      Outside change may happen overnight, but interior transformation takes time.  If you're going to make changes in your life, if you want to build something different from what you've had or what you're used to, you need to realize that you will need to adapt into the new person who can live comfortably in that world.  You will have to acquire the skill set to handle your new life, and make it natural.   The skill set you have is of your evolution up to this time, and it has taken you to this point, but moving on means letting go of what you don't need, utilizing your strengths, and moving forward into the unknown.  Because you are unique, nobody can tell you how to truly prepare for your next chapter.  You will have to be ok with feeling vulnerable and unsure of yourself as you move forward, but you must keep your intentions by your side always, as your guide.

     My parents divorced when I was three years old, and as a kid I knew that I would never repeat this pattern.  I wanted a happy, healthy household.  The problem was that I had no idea what that looked like or felt like.  I had no idea how to even be relaxed in this kind of household.  I tried so hard to move away from the pain of my own childhood by creating an outward facade in my new life as a wife and mother, but I didn't have any of the skills I needed to be in a healthy relationship or to take part in a happy household.  I spent so much time buying cute things for my house, shopping for baby clothes and obsessing over organic food that I neglected to feed the important aspects of my life-trust, simplicity, optimism and love.  So not only did I divorce my first husband, but I also divorced my second.  I wanted something but had no idea how to have it.

      No one ever truly transforms until they've chosen to take responsibility for their lives and face themselves.  If you think that doing something drastic like getting married, moving, leaving your spouse or having a baby will change your entire life, you're right, but you will always be you, and you can never run away from yourself.  You will be in a new town, and your same problems will creep up.  You will be with a new spouse and your same problems will creep up.  You will be standing there with a baby on your hip, and guess what-there you are.   There is nothing you can do to get away from yourself, so the only thing you can do is face yourself.  Facing the demons within is the path of the evolving human.  If you don't face yourself, you don't move on from where you are, so why are you here?   The most common interpretation of the Muslim word jihad is the battle within oneself.  In 1887, Native American Chief Yellow Lark said in a prayer, "I seek strength, not to be superior to my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy-myself."  The Buddha said, "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles."

     Up to this point, you have learned from the people who you've chosen to listen to-your parents, your friends, and of course, your own mind.  Ask yourself, "Are the people I'm taking advice from living the kind of life I want to live?" "Are the decisions I'm making congruent with my dreams?" "Are the thoughts in my mind serving me?"  If your thoughts are negative or limiting, you have a choice to change them.  If you make decisions with your intentions in the forefront of your mind, you can change yourself, and you can change your life.  Who you really are is whoever you decide to make of yourself today, and gradually, day by day, as you embody your intentions more and more, things begin to shift.  You can create any kind of life you want to have, but the richest kind of life will take the most work.  Envisioning exactly what you want in your own household, regardless of the way you were raised, deciding to be open and authentic in your relationships, regardless of how you've been hurt, and making a decision to pursue the things you love-those things take courage, work and time.  I am in my third marriage now, and my biggest lesson in change has been patience.  Sometimes the scariest moments for me are the happiest ones.  Sometimes allowing someone so close to me, and caring so much makes me want to run.  The little girl is still there, wanting something different, but the old habits and patterns are there as well, trying to creep up and influence my decisions.  Having a patient husband helps.  Getting really clear on my intentions helps.  Feeling that uncomfortable happiness and frightening trust and letting go into the unknown is the only thing I can do.

     The struggle to find a peace within ourselves and to be happy in our lives has little to do with what time we live in, our external circumstances, our race, religion or culture.  The purpose of our lives is to grow, and it's not easy.  Getting married, having babies, going on adventures, making changes and fighting for causes makes life thrilling, but what constitutes real change is the ability to look at ourselves honestly, notice what is amiss inside of us, create intentions for something more, and then to do the work to take us there.  Unless you get amnesia or Alzheimers, it's impossible to pick up and leave your old self behind.  We must process and release, knowing that the darkness is part of our beauty.  Everywhere we go, there we are, so we may as well learn to dance with our demons and manifest greatness.

     The most important thing to remember when you are building a new life is to have patience with yourself and with the world.  It is possible to break old patterns and shed old fears-it's called growing up.  But guess what-it's a process.  It takes time.  No one wakes up one day, in their new life, in a new world, and realizes that suddenly they are wise, virtuous or enlightened.  It starts with controlling the thought processes in your mind.  You stay focused on creating something beautiful, even when you don't know what it looks like.  You work through your issues one moment at a time, and you do your best to keep growing.  You stop wasting time wallowing in fear and regret.  You develop good habits that support your growth-physically, mentally and emotionally.  I'm not saying that you have to become an immaculate saint, but the more positive things you do for yourself and others, the happier you will be.  My own life really began when I began to give back.  Instead of sitting around, wondering what my purpose was, I went out and made helping others my purpose.  Instead of worrying and moaning about my lengthy unemployment, I made it my job to work and teach for free.  The amount of change within me in one year of volunteer work is equal to the amount of change I had experienced in my entire life.  The best way to ensure your own happiness and wellbeing is to become an important member of your own community, and the best way to do that is to simply give what you have to give, with your own hands.

     When you are in times of change, you are vulnerable to opinions.  Make sure you take advice from people who know what they're talking about.  If your grandfather has filed for bankruptcy five times, you probably shouldn't take financial advice from him.  I know it sounds silly, but we do it.  We think that people who we feel close to are the right people to confide in and ask advice from, but sometimes it's just not so.  Be careful who you confide in, and be careful who you take advice from.  Most of what people have to say has only to do with them and their own experiences, so take it all with a grain of salt, and decide later which of it really rings true for you.  Don't let anyone's opinions, fears or resentments taint your view of the truth.   Write down your goals-the life that you want and the kind of person you want to be.  Seek out people who have those qualities, and ask them questions about how they live.  Don't waste your time talking your problems in circles with people in a shallower mindset-seek out people who are more evolved than you are.  For example, I once caught poet David Whyte in a hallway and asked him, "What should I do with my anger?"  He was very kind and he gave me a wonderful answer, "See yourself as bigger than your anger.  Get inside of it.  Get outside of it.  Let it transform you, and put an arm around the part of you that has been hurt."  This was amazingly transformative for me, and because I took his advice seriously and implemented it into my life, my anger started to change.  Because I connected with a wise and generous person who also feels anger, I realized that it is a battle we all face.  I started asking more and more people what to do about anger, and I started learning how to deal with it.  The point is, if you are going to have to adapt into a new life that you are creating, you'd better be surrounding yourself with cool people and seeking advice from wise ones.  Once you have that advice, it is your decision whether you will use it in creating your ideal life.

     Sometimes evolving is very uncomfortable.  It means letting things go that you would normally obsess over.  It means becoming the parent figure with your own parents.  It means changing in ways that scare the crap out of you and make you weep like a baby.  It means opening your heart and forgiving the hurt.  Whether we grow or not, we are subject to the human experience, and although doing the inner work seems difficult, can you imagine the alternative?  We all live in a world of uncertainty and suffering, we all become attached to things we cannot keep...why not evolve and open anyway?  No one is safe from life, even those who have built elaborate protective shells over their hearts.  If we can let go of defining ourselves based on our past mistakes and accomplishments, we will open up space for something new to sink in.  If we can hold onto our intentions and keep patience in our souls, our choices will bring us smoothly into the life we always dreamed of.  Who we are can never be defined, because we never even come close to understanding the depth of our own souls or the potential for our minds and hearts to grow.  When it comes to change and growth, we must step boldly into the unknown.  Once you're there, just relax, smile, and continue towards the light.

"Walker, there is no path,

you make the path as you walk."

-Antonio Machado

For this painting and others by R. Noelle, please visit www.RNoelle.com

   

   

 

Letting Go of Our Children

"They look so small and frail 

but they are so great and magnificent.  

They are born of the same womb 

that birthed the cosmos 

and knitted together the galaxies."

-William Martin

     Letting go of our children-a familiar daily ache.  A dance of fear and gratitude.  How silly we feel when we cry over small separations or let worry build to panic.  Constant reminders to cherish, always.  A living, breathing life that has escaped from inside of us is now free and wild and completely outside of our control.  We do the best we can, just as our parents did.  We vow to be different, but they shine through us anyway. What can we do except hold that vow like a lit candle in the darkness of our evolution?  What can we do except absorb the blood of our ancestors deeply into our own hearts and teach our children to be strong, compassionate and proud of who they are?  

     Our children's' destinies are beyond our comprehension.  Their paths will turn and weave and expand, the way lives do.  Everything imaginable is waiting for them.  Even the unimaginable.  We ask ourselves, "Have I done enough?  Have I been enough?"  We try to keep them safe.  We hold them tightly as they pull away, in search of an open space where they alone can spread their roots, find their light, follow their destinies.  After having loved more than we thought we could love, after having given everything we had to give, we must let them go.  We must decide to trust them.  We must decide to trust life.  And death. 

     The letting go hurts.  Every single step.  Let go anyway.  Loving fiercely hurts.  Vulnerability is uncomfortable.  Love anyway.  You accept the ache of the umbilical cord as one of your greatest assets.  You decide to embrace the love and the pain as they continue to open your heart.  You decide to spread yourself deeper into your own roots, while the soil of your bosom strengthens and holds every branch of your family tree.  You let go of fear, you let go of control, and you fall into the magic of unconditional love.

"Although you give your children names,

their reality is nameless and mysterious.

Their mystery is hidden,

yet plain to see.

It disappears when you stare at it.

It hides when you seek it.

To find it you must look into yourself.

If you can discover the secret of your own life,

you will glimpse they mystery of your children.

Though this mystery cannot be described,

it can be trusted.

You can trust it in yourself.

You can trust it in your children.

How do I know this?

I see it everywhere.

Imagine yourself as a  child.

There was someone present there

your parents never knew,

a mystery they could not fathom.

Look at your children closely.

You will never know the mystery of their being.

Can you love them still?"

-William Martin

Control Your Mind, Control Your Happiness

"Ever since you were a child, you've had energies going on inside.  Wake up and realize that you are in there, and you have a sensitive person in there with you.  Simply watch that sensitive part of you feel disturbance.  See it feel jealousy, need and fear.  These feelings are just part of the nature of a human being.  If you pay attention, you will see that they are not you; they are just something you're feeling and experiencing.  You are the indwelling being that is aware of all of this.  If you maintain your center, you can learn to appreciate and respect even the difficult experiences...You don't have to get rid of loneliness; you just cease to be involved with it.  It's just another thing in the universe, like cars, grass and the stars.  It's none of your business.  Just let things go.  That's what the Self does.  Awareness does not fight; awareness releases.  Awareness is simply aware while everything in the universe parades before it."

-Michael A. Singer

     As humans, we have these incredible minds that can reach into the past, dream about the future, problem solve, and innovate.  Many of us learn to control our minds to the extent of studying, and test taking or blocking out what seems unpleasant or unnecessary, but how many of us have taken full responsibility for the thought processes that dictate our lives?  For instance, how much of our lives are spent focused on fear?  When a fear comes up, the mind can be all-consumed with feeding the fear and justifying that the fear is logical.  We will talk ourselves in circles and the fear will become bigger and more real.  Holding on to that fear feels safe-as if not having the fear would be dangerous and stupid. Other negative feelings fly by as well, pulling in our entire focus.  Anger, jealousy and sorrow can hit so suddenly that nothing else exists in that moment.  We allow our minds to spiral off into despair, and suddenly the world around us is gone.  We have removed ourselves completely from the reality of our lives and placed ourselves into our worst nightmare-purely in our own mind.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we feel that it's safe or good for us to endlessly process negative feelings?  If we can have any experience we want to have, why do we dwell on toxic, miserable thought patterns?  

    My biggest struggle in life has been fear of abandonment and betrayal.  In my teens and twenties, I set my whole life up around protecting myself from those things-I got married and started having children so that I would have a family around me, so that I would never be alone.  I jumped into commitments with people whom I thought would stick by me-not because we were compatible or had mutual respect and love, but because I wanted to feel safe.  The problem was that even after I had a house, a husband and kids, my fear was still there...only now I had more to lose, and my fear grew exponentially.  At home with my kids, I would worry all day long about what my husband was doing, where he was and whether he was in love with someone else.  My mind talked itself from "I wonder if he is in love with someone else" to "I know he loves someone else, and I'm going to find out who it is." I allowed my mind to become obsessive, searching through my husband's papers, drawers, computer-looking desperately for some proof that I was being betrayed.  Everything in my life became evidence in my mind that my worst fears were realized.  Whenever I tried to let go of my fear, it would come back tenfold, because not feeling it felt more unsafe.  I believed that I was actually being smart by letting my mind go there, that I was protecting myself and my children from abandonment.  Of course, what I was really doing was driving my husband away, creating a toxic life for myself and my kids and allowing anger and resentment to eat away at my relationship.  After a long enough time of assuming that my fears were true, my mind was then free to say, "Well, if he's betraying me, then I will betray him."  So I did.  I had multiple affairs, and eventually my marriage fell in ashes.  Amazing what one little fear can do.

     What about anger?  Do you know that feeling when rage starts to bubble?  Do you know what it's like to feel so angry that you can't see straight?  Your heart is pounding, your adrenaline is rushing, and time has stopped.  Your mind can no longer see straight, even though moments before, life was normal.  Your entire focus has decided to shine its light on this feeling-this sickening, enraging, out of control feeling, and you feel that you will either implode or explode.  You feel like a big, pulsing, open nerve, and you want to lash out-to make the world around you feel as bad as you do, or at least to control others so that your nerve doesn't get touched again.  You want to throw your hurt at someone or you want to break something.  Anything to just get it away and not feel it anymore.  You hold it in, you stuff it down, it turns into depression, but it will come back.  You get it out, you yell, you hit, you break something or someone, but it still comes back.  That open nerve is still there inside you, waiting to be touched again, and God help the person who touches it.  

     What about depression?  Do you know what it's like to feel that all hope is gone?  To feel so lost in misery that you cannot enjoy any of your life, or so numb and lifeless that you wait impatiently for death?  When I look back at my own times of depression, I think, "Of course I felt like that!  Look at the life I created!  Look at the thought patterns I allowed into my mind!" but at the time, it felt that there was nothing to live for, and I didn't know why.  I believed for many, many years that depression was a part of who I was.  I learned to live with my low energy, and I used my strong feelings of misery to feed my artwork, but I wasn't really living.  I merely existed, as an outsider, under a huge dark cloud, while the world around me looked like a distant movie.  The depression became comfortable, and it even comfortably covered over stronger feelings of rage and sorrow, so that I didn't have to deal with them.  The only thing I cared about was myself and my misery.  I lived in a fog that I had accepted as part of me, until one day I went to see a therapist who said to me, "You are depressed because you believe that you are depressed, but you can change your thoughts and that will change your life."  And guess what my first reaction was to this....rage!  I wanted someone to say, "Oh, you poor thing.  You've had such a hard life.  Here--let me take you by the hand, and do things to make you feel better.  Let me lift you up above your fog into the happy place where the rest of us are, so that you don't have to do any hard work to get here."  I wanted him to tell me that my misery stemmed from my life, from the world around me, from the people around me.  I wanted him to say, "If you leave your husband, you will be happier" or "If you move out of this town, you will leave your depression behind."  I had assumed for so long that it was the world that had battered me down into depression, and that I was entitled to feeling miserable all the time because of my difficult life.  Of course, we are all entitled to feeling unhappy, but we are equally entitled to a joyous, meaningful, connected life.  The difference is in how you choose your thoughts, and how you control your thought processes.

     My own journey out of depression did begin with making huge changes in my life, because the life I had created in my various states of unconsciousness was not a supportive environment to grow in.  It also began with facing myself, accepting everything that had gone on in my life up to that point, and deciding to face my fears and anger like a big girl.  It began with making a decision to build my new life upon the principles of virtuosity, honesty and kindness, rather than jealousy, fear, self-destruction and lies.  I went into complete solitude for four days, and for the first time in my life, I could watch my emotions come and go, with nothing and no one there to trigger them.  I got scared,  I got angry, I got sad, I got happy, I got grateful, and in the end, I gave myself a big hug and said, "I love you anyway."  Whenever my old ways of thinking and behaving come up (and they do) I remember that I don't need a miracle to continue to grow, I don't need drugs to numb the pain, and I don't need anyone to save me-all I need is the willpower to change one thought at a time. 

     I realize now that what I found in my four days of solitude, was the seat of the Self.  Up until that point, I had lived in my mind and emotions, and I had believed that that was who I was.  Removing everyone and everything and being left completely alone, I discovered that there was someone under there, witnessing it all.  There was a strong, peaceful soul beneath the ebb and flow of constant thought, who had been leading me all along.  For the first two days, I fought with boredom and loneliness.  My mind tried to take over many times and tell me that I was wasting my time, that I needed something or someone, or that I was never going to make it through this alone.  But once I relaxed into this new world of silence and cleared my mind of the racing, pointless thoughts, I knew-that place of peace has always been available to me, as it is to everyone.  The thoughts will race, and our focus will be stolen at times, but the seat of Self is always underneath, witnessing it all.  And once you find your soul, the witness, the true self that waits there in silence, you have found the key to growth.

     Thoughts and feelings come and go, all the time.  That's part of being human.  Everything means so much to us, because we feel so much and we know so little.  We latch onto beliefs that give us some sense of security, and we block out everything else.  Our little minds feel secure until suddenly something triggers us, and we realize that blocking things out doesn't make them go away.  If you block it, it will come back up again-over and over and over.  It is normal to feel suffering.  It is normal to feel fear and anger.  It is normal to feel overwhelmed and out of control when we don't give ourselves time to sit in silence and heal.  It is normal to question the meaning of our lives constantly-what else would one expect from humans?  It is normal to allow our minds to focus on pain-it's uncomfortable and we don't want it there.  And it never fails that the most important things in your life will trigger you the most.  The things you hold dear are the things you most fear losing.  The person you care about most is the one who can hurt you the most.  It is so easy to believe that you can deal with all these feelings by thinking about them, processing them, stewing over them and building your life around them.  We delve deeper into the pain and let it consume us because that's all we know, but what if we could learn to quiet our minds and depend on our deeper self in these times?  What if we all could just accept that these thoughts, whether they are good or bad, are just like little birds that come and go, chirping in our ear, trying to get our attention?  If we listen and get involved, that bird will build a nest on our shoulder, and continue to talk day in and day out.  It will become the loudest voice that we hear, and it will drown out the rest of our lives.  That little voice of fear will gradually become our sole voice of reason.  But if we listen, and realize that this bird is only old stuff passing through, and that it doesn't actually mean anything, the bird will continue on and we will continue on with our lives.  It's just a thought.  It's just a feeling.  

     Maybe you were hurt in the past.  Let the memories come up, and let them go.  Don't allow your past suffering to destroy the life you lead today, and don't allow your mind to trail down the path of one negative thought.  Maybe something is not right in your life and everything around you angers you.  Before you let yourself become consumed with rage, before you ever even get to that point, drop down away from your mind so that you can get some perspective.  Choose to find your true self underneath all of that, before you become clouded even more with obsessive thought patterns.  The sooner you stop the process, the easier it is.  The sooner you stop and say, "I'm not going there.  I choose to focus on this present moment," the sooner that little bird will realize that he has chosen the wrong person, and he will move on.  Negative thoughts never serve you-they confuse your mind and weaken your heart.  They take time away from the living of your life.  They ensure that you are consistently focused on suffering, but they never, ever protect you from it.  Suffering is a part of life.  The first noble truth.  But it's not who we are.  We are the one who is watching all of this from inside, and we are much, much stronger than suffering.  We are the entire ocean that holds the thoughts and feelings of a human, and as those thoughts and feelings ebb and flow, the only thing we need to do is sink down to the bottom, where there is perspective and understanding.  Underneath the choppiness of our minds and the confusion of the human life, there is an endless flow of strength and clarity for us to pull from.  Our deeper self is always in connection with the energy of the universe.  This means that in the very moment that a negative or destructive thought pops up, we say, "This is not me.  I am the one witnessing this thought and I am the one who can change it and let it go."  

     It starts small, one thought at a time, and it gradually grows into an entire life.  In the same way that we can create an unstable, unsupportive, fearful, toxic life with our thought patterns, we can also create a beautiful, open, joyous life.  We can be whoever we want to be, and we can have any experience we want to have.  Nobody is miserable forever, unless they choose it.  If a problem pulls your focus suddenly out of the living of real life, just use the power within you to stop and pull yourself back.  It's as easy as that.  Just don't let yourself go there.  Choose your thoughts wisely, and they will take you to amazing places.  Focus on letting the pain open your heart instead of closing it, and you will find that you are connected to everyone and everything around you.  Accept the pain in the same way that you accept the joy, and you will find that the only thing constant is change.  Don't let it build, and don't let it stew-let it go.  Feel it deeply and open your heart anyway.  Realize that the power to change lies within you, in the seat of the Self, in the breaking open of your heart and in the strength of your own mind.  Realize that you already have everything you need to be happy.

     Have my fears gone away?  Not at all.  In fact, I still have the exact same fears of abandonment and betrayal that I had all those years ago, and they still threaten to overtake my mind and my relationships on a daily basis.  Sometimes I let myself go there, and then I watch how everything seems to crumble around me.  Most of the time I say to myself, "There's that feeling again," and I take a deep breathe and let it go.  Sometimes it takes days to move through thought patterns, sometimes it takes moments, but if I remind myself that my number one goal is to live this moment in happiness, then I am able to pull the strength from inside of me to let go.  When the fear seems real, even when it feels like protection and even when it feels like all I know, I choose something different.  I don't want to create a life out of fear, and this is nothing but a moment by moment choice.  Holding onto the facade of protection or comfort that negativity brings isn't worth a half-lived life.  Closing your heart is not going to protect you from suffering.  Make a decision to hold yourself in love, no matter what happens, and you will be making a decision to free yourself.  This decision will change you, it will change the people around you and it will change your life.  I know-I am watching from my seat of Self as my own life transforms.  Even though I am angry, I can still control my actions.  Even though I am scared, I can still fall into trust.  Even though I was hurt, I can still be happy.  

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.  Conscious breathing is my anchor."

-Thich Nhat Hahn

For this painting and more, please visit RNoelle.com

     

     

Question Authority

    "It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority."

-Benjamin Franklin

     I wish I could write about something light and happy, but that's just not where I'm at right now.  I woke up this morning wondering why there is so much suffering in the world, and what we can do to change it.  Why are we here,  and why do we have this life, when there is so much possibility for pain?  And why is so much of that pain caused by religion and government?  I'm not talking about myself-my life is relatively painless, but the stories I read and the things I see make me think that we might be evolving a little more slowly than I suspected...

Siachen: A War for Ice

     When one man questioned the border lines on the map of the Siachen Glacier in the early 1980's, it caused a race between the two governments to climb and occupy as many peaks as possible.  The government leaders' obsession with sending their young men to fight in this severely unoccupiable land is nothing short of murder.  Thousands of young men dying, mountains of trash, contaminated resources and endless wasted money from both Pakistan and India...for what?  Certainly not for the people.

Inside Guantanamo

     The tragedy of Guantanamo will live forever in our history as Americans, and we may never repair our ties with the Arab people.  Some say that valuable information was found through torture, but are we really any safer for it?  How many more people hate the American government now because of these unconstitutional atrocities?  And how many other times have our leaders broken the rules for the purpose of revenge, (or justice as they like to call it,) or simply for economic purposes?  

     This brings me to a story by Mark Jenkins that I came across in Outside Magazine on Saramakaland, where the descendants of runaway slaves have built communities on the Suriname River in South America.  In modern times, these people must endure a government that refuses to acknowledge their rights, and the stripping of their land by Chinese loggers.  Their legacy has never been an easy one.  Their ancestors, who escaped from plantations through treacherous jungles to establish "Maroon Societies" were the lucky ones.

"Runaway slaves threatened the very structure of the New World economy during the 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries.  Without slave labor, the sugarcane, tobacco and cotton industries would collapse and rich, aristocratic planters would become paupers.  Thus, the most demonic punishments were reserved for recaptured runaway slaves.  According to Suriname criminal court records from 1730, 'the Negro Joosie shall be hanged from the gibbet by an iron hook through his ribs, until dead; his head shall then be severed and displayed on a stake by the riverbank, remaining to be picked over by birds of prey.  As for the Negroes Wierrie and Manbote, they shall be bound to a stake and roasted alive over a slow fire, while being tortured with glowing tongs.  The Negro girls, Lucreita, Ambira, Aga, Gomba, Marie and Victoria will be tied to a cross, to be broken alive, and then their heads severed to be exposed by the riverbank on stakes.'"

     Explicit, detailed orders to torture men, women and children because they desire a free, happy life and for a profitable economy?  For money???  This may have happened a long time ago, but here is a story that will show you that this problem has not gone away.

Modern Day Slavery in America

     War, torture and slavery have corrupted our planet from the beginning, and we all know it...so why do we still live like this?  Why do we still place fickle, power hungry liars into positions of leadership, and then turn a blind eye as long as it doesn't affect us?  From Genghis Kahn to George W. Bush, from Atilla the Hun to Idi Amin Dada-a man who tastes the rush of power and who manipulates those around him with fear, has the potential to cause destruction for the entire planet.  Each leader who allows himself to rise above others and who loses respect for human life should be considered dangerous, not heroic.  Why are we still pretending that money and power are the most important things in life?  Why are we so willing to destroy the lives of others to make our own lives easier?  Why are our leaders so sadly incapable of running peaceful, profitable governments without the exploitation and devastation of the soldiers, the immigrants and the working class?  If our leaders truly cared about the people they represent, then everyone would have enough.  If countries stopped fighting with each other over geographical territory and religious beliefs, then everyone could enjoy their lives and add to the profit.  If only the angry, greedy little people with their microscopic views would just expand their vision to include all of humanity, then they would see how futile their fighting is.  Here we are-on this planet, spinning through space.  Clearly, we are all in this together.  

     Nothing has really changed in the human story, except that our intelligence is expanding.  We have created more efficient ways of hurting and killing, but our fears, our emotions and our beliefs are still driving us.  But now that we have the intelligence and the broad scope of historical events to refer to, we can see that making decisions based on fears, emotions and beliefs is fruitless and possibly catastrophic for everyone.  There is more to life than a bottom line, a set of beliefs or a plot of land-there's the freedom to live it.  There is more to power than just making sure you and your people rise to the top-there is the future of all humanity to think of.  If you are not thinking of the future of all humanity, you are living a meaningless life.

     I don't know what we can do to turn our species around, but I have some ideas.  First of all, an open heart and mind is the most important thing, so the more we can stay open to each other's stories and ideas, the more we will be able to move forward together.  Put "stay open" at the top of your Change the World List, and imagine yourself in the shoes of whoever you fear and hate the most.  Find out what they love, what they want, and what their dreams are.  They are only human.  Maybe they have lost their way, maybe they deserve to be locked up forever, but wish them only healing and growth.  Wish them freedom from whatever is making them so hurtful.  Wish yourself the ability to accept them.  Wishing pain, destruction and revenge on anyone will only make for more and more and more suffering, and the people who change the world will be the people who move on from that.  

     Also, I feel compelled to somehow let people in suffering countries and devastating conditions know that we feel very deeply for them and that we are sorry.  It doesn't matter what side of anything you are on-if you can be a part of the healing process, you will have made a difference.  I think it's especially important as Americans that we reach out to the countries that we have harmed and let them know that we are not our government.  Every country has its hard times and corruption, but many of us are still in search of liberty and justice.

     Last and most important is the idea that silence is just as bad as violence.  If you encounter suffering and have an opportunity to do something, then do it.  Not just for the well being of others, but for your own integrity, I beg you to be an advocate for all of us.  If we don't look out for each other, then what chance have we got? If it were you living in solitary confinement or losing your ancestors' home to loggers, wouldn't you wonder why no one cares?  It's just as important as ever to question authority.  Ask yourself who you really believe should be your leader, and make your choice with good will and integrity.  Talk to your leaders-tell them when they upset you and tell them when they make you proud.  Our leaders should be open-minded, stable, decent people, and they should reflect the true heart of our country.  We ourselves should step up to lead with the firm knowledge that shining a bright light on this mess and fixing it up will only happen through generosity and love.  Nothing but damage will come of the fighting, and this Earth and each person on it is so precious.  

     I know many people will call me a fool for thinking that the world can change, but I don't care.  I know that my world has changed by accepting others, and it continues to develop in depth and richness.  I know that beginning to speak up against hatred and violence has given me a solid foundation of integrity that I never found in fighting over politics, in judging others, or in turning a blind eye.  I know that if I can change, love and grow, anyone can.  I know that the power of forgiveness is worth a million times more than the rot of revenge, and I know that power and money are pointless without honor.  

     I'm sorry to burden you with these stories, but I also think it's important to hear them.  We have to know where we're coming from and where we're at, before we can know how to get where we're going.  So where are we going?  Envision it.  When you think of heaven, do you picture it with wars, slavery and pain?  Are there people being stepped on so that others can get into higher kingdoms?  No-that's more like hell.  Heaven is a place where we can really live.  Where we feel fulfilled and joyful, where we are surrounded by beauty.  So why do we have to wait to die before we can experience that? Because we have fears and anger?  Because we're mad about something that someone did to us?  Because we were raised with an idea that some humans are better than others?  No.  No excuse is big or important enough for the fighting to go on.  There are no reasons that anyone could possibly come up with to justify environmental and human destruction.  We have the choice to create heaven during this lifetime, here on Earth, and it starts within ourselves.  It begins as a vision of peace in our own minds, and then it spills out into our communities, towns, states, countries and continents.  The people united are the ones with the power-not the governments divided, and not the greedy, power-hungry, mentally unstable warlords.  This is our home, and our planet, these are our brothers and sisters and these are our lives at stake.  This world has been through many, many changes and I hope you join with me in creating a new Age.  It's time for the open-minded, peaceful people to stand up and create something better.  We were given so many gifts, so let's protect and cherish them.  Let's release our fears.  Let's begin again.  

"World belongs to humanity.  Not this leader, that leader, or that king or prince or religious leader.  World belongs to humanity."

-Dalai Lama

A portrait of Jose Clemente Orozco, a Mexican muralist who exposed the atrocities of the Mexican Revolution and the suffering of the peasant workers of his time.  

More R. Noelle paintings