Letting Go of Our Children

"They look so small and frail 

but they are so great and magnificent.  

They are born of the same womb 

that birthed the cosmos 

and knitted together the galaxies."

-William Martin

     Letting go of our children-a familiar daily ache.  A dance of fear and gratitude.  How silly we feel when we cry over small separations or let worry build to panic.  Constant reminders to cherish, always.  A living, breathing life that has escaped from inside of us is now free and wild and completely outside of our control.  We do the best we can, just as our parents did.  We vow to be different, but they shine through us anyway. What can we do except hold that vow like a lit candle in the darkness of our evolution?  What can we do except absorb the blood of our ancestors deeply into our own hearts and teach our children to be strong, compassionate and proud of who they are?  

     Our children's' destinies are beyond our comprehension.  Their paths will turn and weave and expand, the way lives do.  Everything imaginable is waiting for them.  Even the unimaginable.  We ask ourselves, "Have I done enough?  Have I been enough?"  We try to keep them safe.  We hold them tightly as they pull away, in search of an open space where they alone can spread their roots, find their light, follow their destinies.  After having loved more than we thought we could love, after having given everything we had to give, we must let them go.  We must decide to trust them.  We must decide to trust life.  And death. 

     The letting go hurts.  Every single step.  Let go anyway.  Loving fiercely hurts.  Vulnerability is uncomfortable.  Love anyway.  You accept the ache of the umbilical cord as one of your greatest assets.  You decide to embrace the love and the pain as they continue to open your heart.  You decide to spread yourself deeper into your own roots, while the soil of your bosom strengthens and holds every branch of your family tree.  You let go of fear, you let go of control, and you fall into the magic of unconditional love.

"Although you give your children names,

their reality is nameless and mysterious.

Their mystery is hidden,

yet plain to see.

It disappears when you stare at it.

It hides when you seek it.

To find it you must look into yourself.

If you can discover the secret of your own life,

you will glimpse they mystery of your children.

Though this mystery cannot be described,

it can be trusted.

You can trust it in yourself.

You can trust it in your children.

How do I know this?

I see it everywhere.

Imagine yourself as a  child.

There was someone present there

your parents never knew,

a mystery they could not fathom.

Look at your children closely.

You will never know the mystery of their being.

Can you love them still?"

-William Martin

Control Your Mind, Control Your Happiness

"Ever since you were a child, you've had energies going on inside.  Wake up and realize that you are in there, and you have a sensitive person in there with you.  Simply watch that sensitive part of you feel disturbance.  See it feel jealousy, need and fear.  These feelings are just part of the nature of a human being.  If you pay attention, you will see that they are not you; they are just something you're feeling and experiencing.  You are the indwelling being that is aware of all of this.  If you maintain your center, you can learn to appreciate and respect even the difficult experiences...You don't have to get rid of loneliness; you just cease to be involved with it.  It's just another thing in the universe, like cars, grass and the stars.  It's none of your business.  Just let things go.  That's what the Self does.  Awareness does not fight; awareness releases.  Awareness is simply aware while everything in the universe parades before it."

-Michael A. Singer

     As humans, we have these incredible minds that can reach into the past, dream about the future, problem solve, and innovate.  Many of us learn to control our minds to the extent of studying, and test taking or blocking out what seems unpleasant or unnecessary, but how many of us have taken full responsibility for the thought processes that dictate our lives?  For instance, how much of our lives are spent focused on fear?  When a fear comes up, the mind can be all-consumed with feeding the fear and justifying that the fear is logical.  We will talk ourselves in circles and the fear will become bigger and more real.  Holding on to that fear feels safe-as if not having the fear would be dangerous and stupid. Other negative feelings fly by as well, pulling in our entire focus.  Anger, jealousy and sorrow can hit so suddenly that nothing else exists in that moment.  We allow our minds to spiral off into despair, and suddenly the world around us is gone.  We have removed ourselves completely from the reality of our lives and placed ourselves into our worst nightmare-purely in our own mind.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we feel that it's safe or good for us to endlessly process negative feelings?  If we can have any experience we want to have, why do we dwell on toxic, miserable thought patterns?  

    My biggest struggle in life has been fear of abandonment and betrayal.  In my teens and twenties, I set my whole life up around protecting myself from those things-I got married and started having children so that I would have a family around me, so that I would never be alone.  I jumped into commitments with people whom I thought would stick by me-not because we were compatible or had mutual respect and love, but because I wanted to feel safe.  The problem was that even after I had a house, a husband and kids, my fear was still there...only now I had more to lose, and my fear grew exponentially.  At home with my kids, I would worry all day long about what my husband was doing, where he was and whether he was in love with someone else.  My mind talked itself from "I wonder if he is in love with someone else" to "I know he loves someone else, and I'm going to find out who it is." I allowed my mind to become obsessive, searching through my husband's papers, drawers, computer-looking desperately for some proof that I was being betrayed.  Everything in my life became evidence in my mind that my worst fears were realized.  Whenever I tried to let go of my fear, it would come back tenfold, because not feeling it felt more unsafe.  I believed that I was actually being smart by letting my mind go there, that I was protecting myself and my children from abandonment.  Of course, what I was really doing was driving my husband away, creating a toxic life for myself and my kids and allowing anger and resentment to eat away at my relationship.  After a long enough time of assuming that my fears were true, my mind was then free to say, "Well, if he's betraying me, then I will betray him."  So I did.  I had multiple affairs, and eventually my marriage fell in ashes.  Amazing what one little fear can do.

     What about anger?  Do you know that feeling when rage starts to bubble?  Do you know what it's like to feel so angry that you can't see straight?  Your heart is pounding, your adrenaline is rushing, and time has stopped.  Your mind can no longer see straight, even though moments before, life was normal.  Your entire focus has decided to shine its light on this feeling-this sickening, enraging, out of control feeling, and you feel that you will either implode or explode.  You feel like a big, pulsing, open nerve, and you want to lash out-to make the world around you feel as bad as you do, or at least to control others so that your nerve doesn't get touched again.  You want to throw your hurt at someone or you want to break something.  Anything to just get it away and not feel it anymore.  You hold it in, you stuff it down, it turns into depression, but it will come back.  You get it out, you yell, you hit, you break something or someone, but it still comes back.  That open nerve is still there inside you, waiting to be touched again, and God help the person who touches it.  

     What about depression?  Do you know what it's like to feel that all hope is gone?  To feel so lost in misery that you cannot enjoy any of your life, or so numb and lifeless that you wait impatiently for death?  When I look back at my own times of depression, I think, "Of course I felt like that!  Look at the life I created!  Look at the thought patterns I allowed into my mind!" but at the time, it felt that there was nothing to live for, and I didn't know why.  I believed for many, many years that depression was a part of who I was.  I learned to live with my low energy, and I used my strong feelings of misery to feed my artwork, but I wasn't really living.  I merely existed, as an outsider, under a huge dark cloud, while the world around me looked like a distant movie.  The depression became comfortable, and it even comfortably covered over stronger feelings of rage and sorrow, so that I didn't have to deal with them.  The only thing I cared about was myself and my misery.  I lived in a fog that I had accepted as part of me, until one day I went to see a therapist who said to me, "You are depressed because you believe that you are depressed, but you can change your thoughts and that will change your life."  And guess what my first reaction was to this....rage!  I wanted someone to say, "Oh, you poor thing.  You've had such a hard life.  Here--let me take you by the hand, and do things to make you feel better.  Let me lift you up above your fog into the happy place where the rest of us are, so that you don't have to do any hard work to get here."  I wanted him to tell me that my misery stemmed from my life, from the world around me, from the people around me.  I wanted him to say, "If you leave your husband, you will be happier" or "If you move out of this town, you will leave your depression behind."  I had assumed for so long that it was the world that had battered me down into depression, and that I was entitled to feeling miserable all the time because of my difficult life.  Of course, we are all entitled to feeling unhappy, but we are equally entitled to a joyous, meaningful, connected life.  The difference is in how you choose your thoughts, and how you control your thought processes.

     My own journey out of depression did begin with making huge changes in my life, because the life I had created in my various states of unconsciousness was not a supportive environment to grow in.  It also began with facing myself, accepting everything that had gone on in my life up to that point, and deciding to face my fears and anger like a big girl.  It began with making a decision to build my new life upon the principles of virtuosity, honesty and kindness, rather than jealousy, fear, self-destruction and lies.  I went into complete solitude for four days, and for the first time in my life, I could watch my emotions come and go, with nothing and no one there to trigger them.  I got scared,  I got angry, I got sad, I got happy, I got grateful, and in the end, I gave myself a big hug and said, "I love you anyway."  Whenever my old ways of thinking and behaving come up (and they do) I remember that I don't need a miracle to continue to grow, I don't need drugs to numb the pain, and I don't need anyone to save me-all I need is the willpower to change one thought at a time. 

     I realize now that what I found in my four days of solitude, was the seat of the Self.  Up until that point, I had lived in my mind and emotions, and I had believed that that was who I was.  Removing everyone and everything and being left completely alone, I discovered that there was someone under there, witnessing it all.  There was a strong, peaceful soul beneath the ebb and flow of constant thought, who had been leading me all along.  For the first two days, I fought with boredom and loneliness.  My mind tried to take over many times and tell me that I was wasting my time, that I needed something or someone, or that I was never going to make it through this alone.  But once I relaxed into this new world of silence and cleared my mind of the racing, pointless thoughts, I knew-that place of peace has always been available to me, as it is to everyone.  The thoughts will race, and our focus will be stolen at times, but the seat of Self is always underneath, witnessing it all.  And once you find your soul, the witness, the true self that waits there in silence, you have found the key to growth.

     Thoughts and feelings come and go, all the time.  That's part of being human.  Everything means so much to us, because we feel so much and we know so little.  We latch onto beliefs that give us some sense of security, and we block out everything else.  Our little minds feel secure until suddenly something triggers us, and we realize that blocking things out doesn't make them go away.  If you block it, it will come back up again-over and over and over.  It is normal to feel suffering.  It is normal to feel fear and anger.  It is normal to feel overwhelmed and out of control when we don't give ourselves time to sit in silence and heal.  It is normal to question the meaning of our lives constantly-what else would one expect from humans?  It is normal to allow our minds to focus on pain-it's uncomfortable and we don't want it there.  And it never fails that the most important things in your life will trigger you the most.  The things you hold dear are the things you most fear losing.  The person you care about most is the one who can hurt you the most.  It is so easy to believe that you can deal with all these feelings by thinking about them, processing them, stewing over them and building your life around them.  We delve deeper into the pain and let it consume us because that's all we know, but what if we could learn to quiet our minds and depend on our deeper self in these times?  What if we all could just accept that these thoughts, whether they are good or bad, are just like little birds that come and go, chirping in our ear, trying to get our attention?  If we listen and get involved, that bird will build a nest on our shoulder, and continue to talk day in and day out.  It will become the loudest voice that we hear, and it will drown out the rest of our lives.  That little voice of fear will gradually become our sole voice of reason.  But if we listen, and realize that this bird is only old stuff passing through, and that it doesn't actually mean anything, the bird will continue on and we will continue on with our lives.  It's just a thought.  It's just a feeling.  

     Maybe you were hurt in the past.  Let the memories come up, and let them go.  Don't allow your past suffering to destroy the life you lead today, and don't allow your mind to trail down the path of one negative thought.  Maybe something is not right in your life and everything around you angers you.  Before you let yourself become consumed with rage, before you ever even get to that point, drop down away from your mind so that you can get some perspective.  Choose to find your true self underneath all of that, before you become clouded even more with obsessive thought patterns.  The sooner you stop the process, the easier it is.  The sooner you stop and say, "I'm not going there.  I choose to focus on this present moment," the sooner that little bird will realize that he has chosen the wrong person, and he will move on.  Negative thoughts never serve you-they confuse your mind and weaken your heart.  They take time away from the living of your life.  They ensure that you are consistently focused on suffering, but they never, ever protect you from it.  Suffering is a part of life.  The first noble truth.  But it's not who we are.  We are the one who is watching all of this from inside, and we are much, much stronger than suffering.  We are the entire ocean that holds the thoughts and feelings of a human, and as those thoughts and feelings ebb and flow, the only thing we need to do is sink down to the bottom, where there is perspective and understanding.  Underneath the choppiness of our minds and the confusion of the human life, there is an endless flow of strength and clarity for us to pull from.  Our deeper self is always in connection with the energy of the universe.  This means that in the very moment that a negative or destructive thought pops up, we say, "This is not me.  I am the one witnessing this thought and I am the one who can change it and let it go."  

     It starts small, one thought at a time, and it gradually grows into an entire life.  In the same way that we can create an unstable, unsupportive, fearful, toxic life with our thought patterns, we can also create a beautiful, open, joyous life.  We can be whoever we want to be, and we can have any experience we want to have.  Nobody is miserable forever, unless they choose it.  If a problem pulls your focus suddenly out of the living of real life, just use the power within you to stop and pull yourself back.  It's as easy as that.  Just don't let yourself go there.  Choose your thoughts wisely, and they will take you to amazing places.  Focus on letting the pain open your heart instead of closing it, and you will find that you are connected to everyone and everything around you.  Accept the pain in the same way that you accept the joy, and you will find that the only thing constant is change.  Don't let it build, and don't let it stew-let it go.  Feel it deeply and open your heart anyway.  Realize that the power to change lies within you, in the seat of the Self, in the breaking open of your heart and in the strength of your own mind.  Realize that you already have everything you need to be happy.

     Have my fears gone away?  Not at all.  In fact, I still have the exact same fears of abandonment and betrayal that I had all those years ago, and they still threaten to overtake my mind and my relationships on a daily basis.  Sometimes I let myself go there, and then I watch how everything seems to crumble around me.  Most of the time I say to myself, "There's that feeling again," and I take a deep breathe and let it go.  Sometimes it takes days to move through thought patterns, sometimes it takes moments, but if I remind myself that my number one goal is to live this moment in happiness, then I am able to pull the strength from inside of me to let go.  When the fear seems real, even when it feels like protection and even when it feels like all I know, I choose something different.  I don't want to create a life out of fear, and this is nothing but a moment by moment choice.  Holding onto the facade of protection or comfort that negativity brings isn't worth a half-lived life.  Closing your heart is not going to protect you from suffering.  Make a decision to hold yourself in love, no matter what happens, and you will be making a decision to free yourself.  This decision will change you, it will change the people around you and it will change your life.  I know-I am watching from my seat of Self as my own life transforms.  Even though I am angry, I can still control my actions.  Even though I am scared, I can still fall into trust.  Even though I was hurt, I can still be happy.  

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.  Conscious breathing is my anchor."

-Thich Nhat Hahn

For this painting and more, please visit RNoelle.com

     

     

Question Authority

    "It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority."

-Benjamin Franklin

     I wish I could write about something light and happy, but that's just not where I'm at right now.  I woke up this morning wondering why there is so much suffering in the world, and what we can do to change it.  Why are we here,  and why do we have this life, when there is so much possibility for pain?  And why is so much of that pain caused by religion and government?  I'm not talking about myself-my life is relatively painless, but the stories I read and the things I see make me think that we might be evolving a little more slowly than I suspected...

Siachen: A War for Ice

     When one man questioned the border lines on the map of the Siachen Glacier in the early 1980's, it caused a race between the two governments to climb and occupy as many peaks as possible.  The government leaders' obsession with sending their young men to fight in this severely unoccupiable land is nothing short of murder.  Thousands of young men dying, mountains of trash, contaminated resources and endless wasted money from both Pakistan and India...for what?  Certainly not for the people.

Inside Guantanamo

     The tragedy of Guantanamo will live forever in our history as Americans, and we may never repair our ties with the Arab people.  Some say that valuable information was found through torture, but are we really any safer for it?  How many more people hate the American government now because of these unconstitutional atrocities?  And how many other times have our leaders broken the rules for the purpose of revenge, (or justice as they like to call it,) or simply for economic purposes?  

     This brings me to a story by Mark Jenkins that I came across in Outside Magazine on Saramakaland, where the descendants of runaway slaves have built communities on the Suriname River in South America.  In modern times, these people must endure a government that refuses to acknowledge their rights, and the stripping of their land by Chinese loggers.  Their legacy has never been an easy one.  Their ancestors, who escaped from plantations through treacherous jungles to establish "Maroon Societies" were the lucky ones.

"Runaway slaves threatened the very structure of the New World economy during the 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries.  Without slave labor, the sugarcane, tobacco and cotton industries would collapse and rich, aristocratic planters would become paupers.  Thus, the most demonic punishments were reserved for recaptured runaway slaves.  According to Suriname criminal court records from 1730, 'the Negro Joosie shall be hanged from the gibbet by an iron hook through his ribs, until dead; his head shall then be severed and displayed on a stake by the riverbank, remaining to be picked over by birds of prey.  As for the Negroes Wierrie and Manbote, they shall be bound to a stake and roasted alive over a slow fire, while being tortured with glowing tongs.  The Negro girls, Lucreita, Ambira, Aga, Gomba, Marie and Victoria will be tied to a cross, to be broken alive, and then their heads severed to be exposed by the riverbank on stakes.'"

     Explicit, detailed orders to torture men, women and children because they desire a free, happy life and for a profitable economy?  For money???  This may have happened a long time ago, but here is a story that will show you that this problem has not gone away.

Modern Day Slavery in America

     War, torture and slavery have corrupted our planet from the beginning, and we all know it...so why do we still live like this?  Why do we still place fickle, power hungry liars into positions of leadership, and then turn a blind eye as long as it doesn't affect us?  From Genghis Kahn to George W. Bush, from Atilla the Hun to Idi Amin Dada-a man who tastes the rush of power and who manipulates those around him with fear, has the potential to cause destruction for the entire planet.  Each leader who allows himself to rise above others and who loses respect for human life should be considered dangerous, not heroic.  Why are we still pretending that money and power are the most important things in life?  Why are we so willing to destroy the lives of others to make our own lives easier?  Why are our leaders so sadly incapable of running peaceful, profitable governments without the exploitation and devastation of the soldiers, the immigrants and the working class?  If our leaders truly cared about the people they represent, then everyone would have enough.  If countries stopped fighting with each other over geographical territory and religious beliefs, then everyone could enjoy their lives and add to the profit.  If only the angry, greedy little people with their microscopic views would just expand their vision to include all of humanity, then they would see how futile their fighting is.  Here we are-on this planet, spinning through space.  Clearly, we are all in this together.  

     Nothing has really changed in the human story, except that our intelligence is expanding.  We have created more efficient ways of hurting and killing, but our fears, our emotions and our beliefs are still driving us.  But now that we have the intelligence and the broad scope of historical events to refer to, we can see that making decisions based on fears, emotions and beliefs is fruitless and possibly catastrophic for everyone.  There is more to life than a bottom line, a set of beliefs or a plot of land-there's the freedom to live it.  There is more to power than just making sure you and your people rise to the top-there is the future of all humanity to think of.  If you are not thinking of the future of all humanity, you are living a meaningless life.

     I don't know what we can do to turn our species around, but I have some ideas.  First of all, an open heart and mind is the most important thing, so the more we can stay open to each other's stories and ideas, the more we will be able to move forward together.  Put "stay open" at the top of your Change the World List, and imagine yourself in the shoes of whoever you fear and hate the most.  Find out what they love, what they want, and what their dreams are.  They are only human.  Maybe they have lost their way, maybe they deserve to be locked up forever, but wish them only healing and growth.  Wish them freedom from whatever is making them so hurtful.  Wish yourself the ability to accept them.  Wishing pain, destruction and revenge on anyone will only make for more and more and more suffering, and the people who change the world will be the people who move on from that.  

     Also, I feel compelled to somehow let people in suffering countries and devastating conditions know that we feel very deeply for them and that we are sorry.  It doesn't matter what side of anything you are on-if you can be a part of the healing process, you will have made a difference.  I think it's especially important as Americans that we reach out to the countries that we have harmed and let them know that we are not our government.  Every country has its hard times and corruption, but many of us are still in search of liberty and justice.

     Last and most important is the idea that silence is just as bad as violence.  If you encounter suffering and have an opportunity to do something, then do it.  Not just for the well being of others, but for your own integrity, I beg you to be an advocate for all of us.  If we don't look out for each other, then what chance have we got? If it were you living in solitary confinement or losing your ancestors' home to loggers, wouldn't you wonder why no one cares?  It's just as important as ever to question authority.  Ask yourself who you really believe should be your leader, and make your choice with good will and integrity.  Talk to your leaders-tell them when they upset you and tell them when they make you proud.  Our leaders should be open-minded, stable, decent people, and they should reflect the true heart of our country.  We ourselves should step up to lead with the firm knowledge that shining a bright light on this mess and fixing it up will only happen through generosity and love.  Nothing but damage will come of the fighting, and this Earth and each person on it is so precious.  

     I know many people will call me a fool for thinking that the world can change, but I don't care.  I know that my world has changed by accepting others, and it continues to develop in depth and richness.  I know that beginning to speak up against hatred and violence has given me a solid foundation of integrity that I never found in fighting over politics, in judging others, or in turning a blind eye.  I know that if I can change, love and grow, anyone can.  I know that the power of forgiveness is worth a million times more than the rot of revenge, and I know that power and money are pointless without honor.  

     I'm sorry to burden you with these stories, but I also think it's important to hear them.  We have to know where we're coming from and where we're at, before we can know how to get where we're going.  So where are we going?  Envision it.  When you think of heaven, do you picture it with wars, slavery and pain?  Are there people being stepped on so that others can get into higher kingdoms?  No-that's more like hell.  Heaven is a place where we can really live.  Where we feel fulfilled and joyful, where we are surrounded by beauty.  So why do we have to wait to die before we can experience that? Because we have fears and anger?  Because we're mad about something that someone did to us?  Because we were raised with an idea that some humans are better than others?  No.  No excuse is big or important enough for the fighting to go on.  There are no reasons that anyone could possibly come up with to justify environmental and human destruction.  We have the choice to create heaven during this lifetime, here on Earth, and it starts within ourselves.  It begins as a vision of peace in our own minds, and then it spills out into our communities, towns, states, countries and continents.  The people united are the ones with the power-not the governments divided, and not the greedy, power-hungry, mentally unstable warlords.  This is our home, and our planet, these are our brothers and sisters and these are our lives at stake.  This world has been through many, many changes and I hope you join with me in creating a new Age.  It's time for the open-minded, peaceful people to stand up and create something better.  We were given so many gifts, so let's protect and cherish them.  Let's release our fears.  Let's begin again.  

"World belongs to humanity.  Not this leader, that leader, or that king or prince or religious leader.  World belongs to humanity."

-Dalai Lama

A portrait of Jose Clemente Orozco, a Mexican muralist who exposed the atrocities of the Mexican Revolution and the suffering of the peasant workers of his time.  

More R. Noelle paintings

     

     

   

     

     

     

Love is My Religion

"One cannot pursue one's own highest good without at the same time necessarily promoting the good of others.  A life based on narrow self-interest cannot be esteemed by any honorable measurement.  Seeking the very best in ourselves means actively caring for the welfare of other human beings.  Our human contract is not with the few people with whom our affairs are most immediately intertwined, nor to the prominent, rich, or well educated, but to all our human brethren.

View yourself as a citizen of a worldwide community and act accordingly."

-Epictetus

     The most difficult thing about the establishment and development of so many religions on our planet is the separation that has formed between us because of it.  Religious people separate themselves from non-religious people.  Atheists separate themselves from believers.  Believers of one story separate themselves from believers of another story.  So many people are so intimidated, frightened and angered by other religions and philosophies that they don't actually bother to learn about or understand them.   I have heard many people from many different belief systems refer to other belief systems as "evil," "from the Devil" or "worthless blasphemy."  While talking to a Christian recently about the benefits of yoga and meditation, I was cut off and shut down with the words, "You don't need all that garbage.  All you need is Jesus Christ."

     I attended middle school in a Seventh Day Adventist community, where my religion teacher refused to see validity in anything except his own particular sect of Christianity.  When I asked him why he believed Buddhism was "evil" he was never able to give me a real answer, or even a moment of thought on the subject.  Buddhism is evil, and that's it.  No questions.  So imagine my surprise when I began to learn about Buddhism-about breathing and staying present and love and kindness, and visualization and connecting to God inside of my own heart.   Imagine my shock when I researched the principles of Wicca after years of hearing that Wiccans "worship Satan."  There are all kinds of crazy stories going around religious communities that are based not on fact, but on folklore and superstition, and that have been passed down through generations of families and church families.  There are all kinds of beliefs based on those crazy stories that attach themselves to people, keeping them from ever fully understanding and loving the majority of the people they share this planet with.  If we can't get down to the basic fact that we are a either a species united or a species divided, then maybe we need a little lesson in acceptance from some of our greatest religious and spiritual leaders...

"I am giving you a new commandment; to love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

-Jesus Christ

"Do you love your Creator?  Love your fellow beings first."

-Muhammad

"Hatred does not cease by hatred.  Only by love; this is the eternal rule."

-Buddha

"There is only one religion-the religion of love.  There is only one God-the light that shines in your heart."

-Satya Sai Baba

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

-Mother Teresa

"Our prime purpose in life is to help others.  And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

-Dalai Lama

"The great calm and tranquility of a saint is not indifference, but understanding."

-Rudi

"If you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times.  In the kingdom of love, there is no competition, there is no possessiveness or control.  The more love you give away, the more love you will have."

-John O'Donohue

"Be afraid of nothing.  Hating none, giving love to all, feeling the love of God, seeing His presence in everyone, and having but one desire-for His constant presence in the temple of your consciousness.  That is the way to live in this world."

-Paramahansa Yogananda

"A man filled with the love of God is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race."

-Joseph Smith Jr.

"The more we come out and do good to others, the more our hearts will be purified and God will be in them."

-Swami Vivekananda

"To live and let live, without clamor for distinction or recognition, to wait on divine love, to write truth first on the tablet of one's own heart, this is the sanity and perfection of living, and my human ideal."

-Mary Baker Eddy

"We have been called to heal wounds, to unite what has fallen apart, and to bring home those who have lost their way."

-St. Francis of Assisi

"It is not earthly rank, nor birth, nor nationality, nor religious privilege which proves that we are in the family of God; it is love, a love that embraces all humanity."

-Ellen G. White

     Teachers throughout time have been trying to get us to see one common thing-that it is our duty to care for each other.  It is clear to me that we find our Spirit in different places, under different circumstances, through different teachers, and each person's wisdom has value.  One may find God in the sky, while one may find God inside the heart...but isn't it still the same God?  We grow and learn and evolve in our understanding together, not separated, not divided by judgement and closed up in fear.  All anyone wants is to be listened to, understood and inspired, to be treated as an equal despite background, race, religion or income level.  If we can't give out acceptance and willingness to understand, then we are never going to receive it, and we ourselves will never be loved or understood.  What a sad life it would be to never open to new ways of praising and understanding God and each other.  

   Do not be afraid of religion-be wary of fundamentalism.  Most people who choose a religious or spiritual way of life do so because they want to lead a happier, more fulfilled life-not because they want to cause damage and become irrational.  The thoughts, words and behaviors that happen when fundamentalism creeps in are something to watch for, as one watches for mental illness.  We all know that countless atrocities have been committed in the "name of God," but we also know that these atrocities were committed by desperate, unstable people who became obsessed with a very small picture.  When a person, family or community latches on to fear, hatred and judgment, nobody can see anything clearly.  Nobody is seeing things for what they truly are.  When you cannot clearly see and accept the world around you, you have no way of being connected to it.  When you cannot connect with the world around you, you cannot grow beyond the confines of your mind.  When you cannot grow beyond the confines of your own mind, you are closing yourself to growth, understanding, love and of course happiness.  Fundamentalism and obsession are not the core of faith.  Divine love is the true core of faith.  God's love is constant, open and beautiful, as our words, our thoughts and our actions should be-not exclusively reserved for those who believe the same story that we do.  We are given this love in plentitude.  Shouldn't we be sharing it?

     If you don't believe in God, so what?  Scientists and researchers are starting to agree with religious leaders on things like meditation, compassion, happiness, acceptance, energy and consciousness.  I believe in God, but I also have no idea what (or who) God is.  Life is a paradox, and as the amazing songwriter Billy Jonas says, "God is in the atheist saying, 'Yeah...I don't exist!'"  Even if God is that incredible energy force that fills you up when you fall in love, even if God is a supreme ruler who expects you to lead a virtuous life, even if God is masculine or feminine or both or neither, even if God is far beyond anything we could ever envision or imagine, and even if there is no God, don't you still want to be a conscious, open human being?  Don't you want to fulfill a beautiful destiny with what you've been given?  Whether this is your hundredth chance at life or your only chance at life, don't you want to find meaning in your existence?  Don't you want to be a part of healing instead of hating, accepting instead of judging, loving instead of fighting and evolving instead of declining?  Would you rather obsess over little differences, or zoom out to a bigger picture where we are all in this together?

     If leaving a positive legacy for our children is our intention, there is no more time for fighting and degradation.  We are not animals preying and attacking, blindly following law and instinct.  We are an advanced, sensitive species who has the ability to move into a new consciousness together.  We actually have a choice to accept and celebrate each other's differences and focus our fire on changing ourselves.  We can consciously choose to open in love, forgetting the old monologue about how everyone is so separate, so different from us.  The truth is, if you hear the story of your enemy, you will understand their beliefs and decisions.  If you open your mind to holy script, science, folklore, spiritual wisdom and to other humans, you will see that there is beauty and value in everything.  The Seventh Day Adventist community at the world renown Loma Linda University Medical Center has recently accepted the mindful awareness practices of Buddhism as a valid form of treatment in dialectical behavior therapy.  We never know what incredible things we can create together until we open up our minds and try!

     I remind myself daily that although anger is sometimes necessary, hatred is not.  I remind myself daily that the scariest people can be softened by a heartfelt encounter.  Nobody wants to live in fear and hatred-it just happens.  It happens when that's what we teach, so let's stop teaching it.  Let's make a choice to stop living in it.  After we have told our stories and opened our hearts, we will have the space and healing to move forward, leaving no one behind.  The more we bring blessings to others and wish love to all humanity, the more those blessings will fall into our own lives.  Let's create a beautiful world for our future ancestors.  Let's find a way to turn our planet around.  Let's unite as flesh and blood in the quest for joy and meaning, for in this human form, in this spiritual life, we already hold the key to heaven.  God is already here, just waiting for us to open our eyes and say, "What a gift this life is!  What a gift it is to be human!  Thank you!"

"This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples.  No need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple.  The philosophy is kindness."

-Dalai Lama

For this painting and others, please visit www.RNoelle.com

     

     

     

     

      

     

Accepting Yourself, Saving Yourself.

"When we fight with our failing, we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself."

-David Whyte

     Disorders, disorders, disorders.  We live in a world full of disorders.  Half of the people I know have at least one disorder, and most of them are on multiple drugs for them.  Numbing the feeling, evening the moods, saving us from experiencing ups and downs-that's what the drugs seem to be for.  I know for a fact that many people benefit greatly from psyche meds-people who have a true imbalance that requires chemical help...but I wonder how many people that is, compared to the number of people who are simply using their "disorders" as a way to acquire mind-altering drugs, to gain endless help and sympathy, and to get out of actually doing the personal growth work that growing up requires.  

     I myself used to walk through my life with such labels pinned on me as "Anxiety Disorder", "Panic Disorder", "Depressive Disorder" and "Eating Disorder."  I fed into these labels so easily, feeling sorry for myself for having disorders and looking for ways to numb my feelings of intense panic and extreme sorrow, just so that I could make it through day to day life.  The more I thought about my "Panic Disorder," the worse and more frequent my panic attacks became.  The more I thought about my depression, the more I allowed myself to slip into it, and the more easily I justified my addictions.  I tried everything from heavy pain meds to alcohol to prescription psyche meds, but every single chemical I put into my body made me feel worse, and worse about myself.  After a beautiful day of Vicodin happiness, I would spend two days crying from the low that inevitably came when it wore off.  After months of anti anxiety and depression meds that numbed everything (including my orgasms,) I stopped taking them, only to find that my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts returned stronger than ever.  Do you know how many people commit suicide while trying to get off of psyche meds?  

     It is a beautiful thing to seek peace...but when did it become the norm to numb yourself out of existence?  When did doctors go from being caregivers and healers, to being drug dealers?  Were these drugs invented so that they could be loosely thrown around into society, and into any patient that wanders into the office complaining that they feel stressed?  Is putting someone on multiple psyche meds for anxiety and depression, and other drugs to treat the side effects of the psyche meds really that different from more primitive psychiatric therapies like insulin shock therapy, electroconvulsive therapy and lobotomies?  How many people are actually better off in the end?   And when the psyche meds start messing with the rest of the body-the blood pressure, the sex drive, body weight and movement, and overall physical and mental health, how many other drugs for other problems will people end up on?  

Psychiatric Side Effects   

     I heard a radio show recently that talked about how many people are on disability in the U.S. for things like anxiety and depression.  These people are panicked about ever losing their disability money, so guess what-they continue to go into their clinics, complaining of anxiety and depression.  They continue to feed their own minds about how messed up they are and why they can't survive without help.  They complain that it keeps them from holding a job, paying their bills, getting up in the morning, etc.  Their entire psychological and financial existence is based upon their disorder, and so they cannot live without it.  In short, if they ever move on from their disorder, they will no longer receive the check that is paying their bills.

     I know a homeless mother of three who drags her kids from motel to motel, barely able to find a bed each night, because she has "panic disorder."  When she can't get her psyche meds, she drinks alcohol to numb her panic.  She hides out in her motel room all day, too scared to go see her doctor to get the meds she thinks she needs to survive.  Maybe she does need these meds-I don't know, and I doubt if her doctor knows either.  What I do know is that she is seriously burdened with a disorder mentality.  When I attempt to walk her through a meditation practice or hand her literature on local shelters, she simply continues spewing out all the reasons why she can't pull herself together.  Her daughter has been taught to act in the same way.  If she drops something on the ground, she complains, "Can someone help me?"  If she wants something from across the room, she whines, "Can someone go get that for me?"  Her favorite thing to say is, "I can't do it."  I say, "Bullshit.  You are the only one who can do it."

     I know exactly how people feel when they slide into a victim mentality.  I had been through so much by the time I reached Steven that I could barely see straight.  I had no idea who I was, and less of an idea of what I wanted to become.  I had learned to rely on my problems to get me out of my responsibilities.  I had learned to feel comfortable with misery and depression.  But the panic was horrible, the loneliness was unbearable and my adrenal system was giving out on me, so I knew that if I didn't change, I would die. When Steven asked me this question during one of our sessions, I wanted to punch him.  I know now that it's because that's exactly what I needed to hear, but in the moment, I thought, "What the hell is he talking about?  I have a million responsibilities, and a million issues and I'm just doing the best I can!!!"  

     What he really meant by "taking responsibility" was this:  Imagine that you chose everything in your life before you came here, for the purpose of growing, learning and making connections.  Imagine that you have the light and power of the universe and God right inside of you, waiting for you to acknowledge it, waiting for you to use it.  Imagine that you have created everything that has happened to you up to this point.  Imagine that you can create any life that you want to have, with each decision that you make.  Imagine that you have the power to take and keep responsibility for yourself and your children, and the ability to change into anyone you want to be.  To bring your darkness into the light, and just be you.  To be vulnerable whether you are accepted or not.  To take responsibility for your good and your bad, your gifts and your shortcomings.  To do the hard work every day of lessening stress and building strength.  To be accountable for your actions, to forgive yourself and others, and to make a decision with each moment to heal instead of hurt.  Can you imagine what our world would be if we each took this kind of responsibility?

     In Herman Hesse's incredible novel, Steppenwolf, Harry watches the universe around him transform from a dark, wretched purgatory into a beautiful, living, breathing miracle.  A lifetime of utter misery and near suicide opens up into a full, joyous and connected existence.  All because the people around him dared him to stop feeling sorry for himself, and showed him another way.  In Hesse's novel Siddhartha,  after many years of searching and changing, incredible ups and hideous downs, true joy and meaning finally come to Siddhartha at the moment when he is about to kill himself.  Life took him to the depths before he ever saw what a gift it was.  Hesse himself had a difficult life, weighted with serious hardship and depression, which of course is why he was able to capture the feeling so unbearably well.    He experienced many chapters and transformations in his lifetime, but the search for understanding and joy that burned within him brought him through the darkness, to many beautiful places.  He turned the hard lessons of his life into inspiration for the rest of humanity.  Studying his life and work, and the lives and work of all authentic artists and teachers, we get a glimpse into the incredible depth of feeling that this world has to offer.  If not for the lows, would the highs be so magnificent?  

     What bothers me most about pinning disorders on people and numbing them with drugs is that it takes the focus away from what's important-understanding our pain, taking responsibility for our pain and learning the best ways to heal our pain and move on.  It takes away from the acceptance that pain is just another feeling.  When children are put on mind numbing drugs, they no longer have to find the tools they need to make it through the ups and downs of their own life.  What they are learning instead is that the only way to be accepted as who they are is to be on drugs.  Of course we all have problems.  Of course we are going to have horrible times in our lives.  Of course we are going to be sad and angry.  Of course we experience anxiety when we ignore our feelings or relive the past or resist responsibility or neglect our health.  Lasting healing has nothing to do with numbness and quick fixes, and everything to do with finding the will power, tools and support we need to lead meaningful lives, despite our troubles.  

     People in our society say, "Leave your baggage at the door," and that's taken to mean "We expect you to be perfect, and if you're not perfect, fake it."  Well, nobody's perfect, so that means that we're all faking it.  And how are we faking it?  We're numbing it, or stuffing it.  We're hiding how we feel under an exterior of image and ego and lusting after all the crap we think we need to make us happy.  What if we changed from "Leave your baggage at the door" to "Bring everything you have, and we will help you find more."?  "Bring your experience, tell your story, let us know who you really are, and we will accept you.  Show us your weaknesses so that we can give you tools to strengthen them.  Show us your gifts so that we can help inspire them."  What if we learned to embrace the contrast, rather than believing that difficult feelings are bad?  What if we realize that everything that haunts us is here to teach us?  What if we stop fearing and avoiding intense feelings and realize that it's just a part of being human?  What if you decided in this moment to forget your entire past and create yourself anew?  Would you decide to have disorders or just gratitude and excitement?  We are not perfect, and we cannot fake it forever.  But we're also not broken, and it is up to each of us to save ourselves.  

TED talk: Brene Brown on shame, vulnerability, authenticity and happiness.

     It is our duty to care for this life that we have been given.  It is up to us to take responsibility for our own mental and physical health, our thoughts, our behaviors, and our decisions.  It is up to us to be strong enough to listen to the truth, when someone is brave enough to speak it.  When we give up the numbing of truth and our resistance to doing the hard work, we discover an expanse of consciousness that pulls us back on track.  When we get over the fact that we're not perfect and accept responsibility for our own happiness, we learn ways to create peace everywhere we go.  We can only be helped if we stop destructive behaviors and learn to care for ourselves.  We can only find joy if we take our sorrow and transform it.  We can only find strength if we continuously seek our own brilliance.  We can only find peace if we lovingly accept our own insanity. 

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."

-Agnes Repplier

R. Noelle Paintings

     

     

     

Finding the Meaning of Life

"You give but little when you give of your possessions.  It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."

-Kahlil Gibran

     I've been wanting to talk about volunteerism for quite a long time now, because I've rarely found anything so life changing.  I used to send money here and there to charities that touched my heart-orphans in Africa, women in Afghanistan, people who I really felt needed the help.  They do.  People always say that even the smallest amount helps, and I believe that, but when my family and I were barely scraping by, I needed to find another way to give.  I also felt so distant from any help I might be giving, and I felt in a way that it was a cop out to doing any real work in the world.  I don't want to be the person sitting under a palm tree in California, sending out checks to third world countries.  I want to be the person who is in the middle of it, helping out.   I don't want the worth of my giving to be purely financial-I want it to also bring meaning into my life, and the lives of others.  I want to make authentic connections.  I want to help build a better life.  I want to be a part of the change.

     Very few of us have lives that allow us to go running off to build a church in Mexico or fly to Rwanda to teach about healing techniques, no matter how much we may dream.  Sometimes the real work seems to be so distant and complicated that writing a check seems like the only option.  That's how I felt before moving to San Diego, but when I got here, everything changed.  Thousands of homeless people sleep on the streets here.  Thousands of soldiers, many with serious physical and emotional injuries, are returning from deployments only to be given pink slips.  Women and children are sleeping on the streets or going in and out of shelters and motels, because they are addicted, mentally ill or simply have no support.  Animals and sea life are dying because of the trash they eat off the beaches.  Men and women are getting out of prisons into a world that seems like no one cares what happens to them.  Thousands of sick and elderly people sit in hospital rooms day after day, with no visitors except their nurses.  Public school children no longer get field trips, art classes, counselors, nurses, librarians, office staff, and many other things because of budget cuts.  I had to move smack dab in the middle of it all to realize that all around me, in my own community, there is an aching hole that can only be filled by me.

     I realized when I moved into the city, that my heart couldn't handle what my eyes were seeing unless I started helping.  I began by giving food and money to beggars, and learning which ones actually wanted food, (I was turned down more than once) and which ones were spending the money on their addictions.  The truth is that if you give a street person money, you are possibly feeding the addiction that is keeping them on the streets.  However, I have also seen people who haven't eaten for days, who benefit greatly from me buying them a burrito, or even sharing half of mine with them.  I try now to give food instead of money so that I don't have to worry about where my money is going.  I try to carry something in my car (even bottled water) for the guys on the corners, and little bags of snacks aren't hard to carry in your pocket.  It always amazes me how grateful people are for the tiniest things.  Not all of them,  but many.  And some people really do need small favors.

     I needed more than just handing out snacks on the street, so I found a shelter and residential rehab program in walking distance to my apartment, and I began volunteering there.  I go there once a week to serve lunch to the men, and just being there for a couple of hours changes my day and my week.  I quite often drag myself there in a bad mood, but I always bounce out on top of the world.  It's the easiest job in the world, it's fun because the guys are so funny and such incredible, authentic people, and I have made many lifelong friends there, in under a year.  Everyone knows my name, and they know that I'm the one who makes them the homemade cookies.  Don't think cookies make a difference?  Try asking the guy who tasted one and cried because it brought him instantly back home with his wife and kids.  Or the guy who tasted a cookie and suddenly remembered his last Christmas with his mother.  Such seemingly small things are gestures that I care about them, and they never, never miss that.  In fact, it's what they need and appreciate the most.  They know that the regular volunteers are there because we really do care, and their gratitude and love is overwhelming.  They cheer for us before lunch, and bless us during grace, and thank us to infinity for being there.  Just for being there.  Where else can you experience that?

     Another thing I started doing is volunteering in 2nd, 4th and 6th grade public school classrooms.  I teach art, but as every teacher realizes, it's so much more.  So many kids need someone who will listen to them, care about them, and encourage them.  I teach them the technicalities of art, and all about staying creative, but what I also feel a need to teach them is that they are valuable, beautiful, talented human beings who each have something different to say.  So many kids who have severe difficulties in academics or who have "attitude problems" are brilliant at art, but they're rarely getting a chance to do it anymore, so they don't think they're good at anything.  It is easy to get angry at the government and the school system about the lack of funds for education, but it is a lot more productive to just get involved directly with providing the kids with what they need.  When I realized this, I knew that although I can't help every child, at every school in the whole world, like I'd like to, I can at least teach one child at a time and help pick up the slack for the teachers.  Here's what's in it for me (besides the feeling of a completely meaningful life):  More authentic friendships-with teachers, children and parents, more inspiration and knowledge in my own artistic work, and incredible gifts from the children!

     I'm not telling you all these things because I want you to know how generous I am-I actually feel that what you do for others is a private matter.  But I also don't want to not talk about it.  The more I talk to people, the more I realize that so many people are lacking meaning in their lives, because they're not doing what they're passionate about, because they don't feel like they're making a difference, or because they're not satisfied with the quest for extrinsic satisfaction.  They realize that there is something else out there, some other way to live, but they don't know what step to take, and in what direction.    With so many causes, it's hard to know where to start, and with so many people living only for themselves, it's easy to retreat, with your blinders on.  But the real truth is that eventually you will be affected by what's going on around you.  You already are.  

     It's truly admirable to believe in causes and fight for things, but it's more important to get into the middle of it and be a positive influence.  It's undoubtedly important to send checks to poverty stricken countries, homeless shelters, animal shelters, environmental advocates, human rights advocates, local schools, and whoever you feel compelled to help, but it's also so important, both for the healing of others and for yourself, to be the one doing the work.  If you follow your own personal passions and talents and give what you can, when you can, you will be the recipient of more love than you ever knew existed.  I don't know why it took me so long to become a regular volunteer.  We all have our excuses.  What I do know is that I will never go back.  Caring for others because you want to, showing up for people who really need it, giving your own time and attention to the things that matter most to you-that is how you find out what you're capable of and what you're worth.

My husband is an avid volunteer, for many organizations.  He is the one who inspired me to act on my need to give back.  The people who have been touched by his love and generosity and the people who have been touched by mine, have him to thank.  When I saw how much he gave of his time and life to all of these people who otherwise would have been lost, and how much love and gratitude he got in return, I knew that I was missing out on something big.  Another thing he taught me is that there are infinite ways to volunteer.  You can teach, you can perform, you can hammer and dig or pick up trash-there is no limit to your options, once you open the door.  I heard recently of a non-profit that is entirely devoted to holding proper burial services for abandoned babies.  My husband runs our local chapter of a non-profit that teaches veterans how to play the guitar.  There are people who go out in the middle of the night, asking the homeless if they want to get off the streets, and offering them more.  There are shelters and beach cleaning groups and hospital music programs.  There is no end to the possibilities of what we can do with our talents to help others.

     Your community needs you, just as much as your family needs you.  Protecting yourself and your family does not come through ignoring what is wrong with the world-it comes from getting in there and fixing it.  Finding a deep sense of self worth does not come from holing up on facebook all day or ruthlessly pursuing money, power or fame.  It comes from human connection, witnessing change, and being a part of something beautiful.  Think about what you have to offer, and give it.  Share your time, your talents, your sweat and your attention with the world and you will wake up every day knowing that your life has meaning.  Let your generosity extend to yourself, your family members, your friends, and everyone you meet.  Do these things for a few months, a few years, a few decades, (without announcing it on social media) and you will find a strength and integrity within your heart that you never knew existed.  Once you witness a magnificent change, you will know the true meaning of why you're here.

"We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give."

Winston Churchill 

R. Noelle

For this piece and more of my artwork, please visit www.RNoelle.com