A Modern Day Rite of Passage

"How shall I begin my song

In the blue night that is settling?

In the great night my heart will go out,

Toward me the darkness comes rattling.

In the great night my heart will go out."

-Papago Medicine Woman Chant

     When I was 19, I gave birth to my first child, and the process of that labor and birth was my own personal initiation into womanhood.  The pain brought me to a place I had never been, and I came away feeling as if I could do anything.  I remember telling someone, "I could get stabbed to death in a dark alley, and it wouldn't compare to what I just went through."  Many say that tribal initiations are designed to match the intensity of what a woman experiences in childbirth. They believe that a person must go into the depths if they are to transition into a better, stronger, more understanding person.  When you go into the depth of labor, it is actually called "transition."  In this moment, you believe you cannot handle another moment of life and pain, and you begin to lose your calm and your self control.  During transition, even the strongest and sweetest of women kick and scream, worry and weep.  To the woman in labor, transition feels like the end, but the midwife knows that transition is a wonderful sign that birth is near.  To a child who is moving into adulthood, the changes can be painful and scary, but adults who have come out the other end know that a powerful soul is being born.

     Giving birth (naturally) is like being on a fast track initiation process.  All that you have known as a child ends, and nobody can stop what is happening to you.  You are flung into space and pain and you are alone there.  It is a spiritual experience.  This is exactly the feeling that rites of passage ceremonies throughout history have tried to convey to their young.  In many cultures, girls are ignored in the initiation process, simply because menstruation and childbirth are considered to be enough of a rite of passage.  But rites of passage are not just about enduring pain-they are also about being welcomed into adulthood by your tribe.  They are about vowing publicly to your community that you have good intentions for your life.  In some cultures, girls and boys alike are initiated in lengthy, painful, and even gruesome ways in order to awaken them to adulthood.  The ceremonies were developed by their tribal elders generations ago, and everyone involved in the process knows exactly what's expected of them.  Some ceremonies last for days and involve feasts, community gatherings, dancing, singing, prayer, and tests of strength and character.  These rituals are designed to challenge the child, to mark a transformational moment in time, and to welcome a new, more evolved being into the family and the community.  As scholar Michael Meade once said (and I think this applies to girls as well), "In many tribal cultures, it was said that if the boys were not initiated into manhood, if they were not shaped by the skills and love of elders, then they would destroy the culture.  If the fires that innately burn inside youths are not intentionally and lovingly added to the health of the community, they will burn down the structures of culture, just to feel the warmth."

     Thirteen  years after that first birth experience, I looked at my daughter Madeline and realized that she too had become a woman.  I felt a growing responsibility to do something, to teach her something, to help her realize the weight of womanhood, but our discussions about love and sex often fell flat.  I knew that I needed to find a way for the women in her life to open pathways to guidance, so that she would always have someone to talk to.  I knew that although Madeline was only thirteen, she was also technically old enough to be a mother, and she needed to be taught and honored as a woman.  I knew that she needed to stand in front of her family and make vows to uphold her character.  But coming from a primarily Christian Science background, I knew nothing of rites of passage until I began my own research.  Sure, I knew about Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and baptisms, and even a bit about Native American practices, but you don't just become a Jew, or join an Apache tribe.  So with my foundation in Buddhism and Christianity, with my knowledge of the Hindu, Catholic and Jewish faiths, and my great love for pagan and Native American culture, without generations of ancestors to guide the way, I developed my own rite of passage ceremony, to welcome my daughter into womanhood.  

     We invited thirty women in Madeline's life who are close knit with our family, and who are role models for her, ensuring that she was the youngest person there.  The only warm, pretty and affordable space I could find to rent was the common room of our apartment building, but we brought in everything we needed to convert it into a sacred space.

     We began with a few creative group projects, which gave our guests an opportunity to bond while creating meaningful gifts for Madeline.  As a group, we made her a one of a kind headdress, a mandala, and a book full of blessings, advice and artwork.  During this time, Madeline made a special head wreath for each of us.

     

     An important aspect of Madeline's initiation was in taking responsibility for her own part of the ceremony.  Once the projects were finished and we were gathered around her, she began by thanking everyone for being there, and by reading a short essay she wrote about what kind of woman she wants to be.  She then vowed to uphold the Buddhist Eightfold Path.

 "I vow as a young woman and community leader, to follow the Eightfold Path:

Right view:  I vow to see through the eyes of understanding and compassion.

Right thought:  I vow to think clear and kind thoughts.

Right speech:  I vow to think before I speak, and to be truthful, gentle, and fearless with my words.

Right conduct:  I vow to match my actions with  my words.  I will not bring harm to myself or to others, and I will make decisions based on the welfare of all living beings.

Right livelihood:  I vow to choose a job that will not harm others.  I will seek happiness by creating happiness.

Right effort:  I vow to always do my best.  I will expand my spirit, share my gifts with the world, and I will not waste time in negative pursuits.

Right mindfulness:  I will be mindful of my thoughts, words and deeds.  I will mindfully care for my body.  

Right concentration:  I will spend my time focusing on what brings strength and beauty to myself and to all living beings."

     In lieu of an overnight fire dance, I then took over and led Madeline through a candle ceremony and meditation.  I placed three candles in front of her, two small and one large.  The first candle was lit, representing her infancy and childhood.  She meditated for a good time on the flame of this candle, and on the gifts and wisdom that those years have given her.  The second candle was lit, representing her life as a woman, and she meditated on the freedom, the responsibility and her life intentions.  The third candle, the large one, was lit, representing her eternal self-the part of her that was here before her birth, and that will live on after her death.  She meditated on this flame, listening to what God and her ancestors might say to her.  

     We provided many drums and percussion instruments at this gathering, and so during and after Madeline's meditation rituals, we sat around her drumming softly.  In truth, this put not just her, but all of us into a trance.  Once the drumming died down, I presented her with the beautiful headdress and gave her a spirit name, which I chose based on her personality and passions.  I borrowed the Hindu rite of passage tradition and made markings on her face, representing "Gayarti", the mind, "Saraswati", the word and "Savitri", the deed, to further impress upon her the importance of aligning the three.  After that, we went around the circle as each woman read.  We read everything from Biblical quotes to John O'Donohue, from Rilke to Rumi to Native American Prayers.

     I closed the ceremony with this ancient blessing, which was so beautifully worded by the Sikh yogi, Gurmukh:

     "May you live in great health, happiness, wholeness.  May you come to know your Sat Nam-your truth, your true identity, and find a peace within yourself.  May the long-time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and may the pure light within you guide your way on."

     At that point, we amped up the drums and Madeline led us in her first dance of womanhood.  She then brought the evening to a close with this Native American Prayer:

"Oh, Great Spirit,

whose voice I hear in the winds

and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me.

I am small and weak.

I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes

ever behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made 

and my ears sharp to hear your voice.

Make me wise so that I may understand

the things you have taught my people.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden 

in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be superior to my sister,

but to fight my greatest enemy-myself.

Make me always ready to come to you 

with clean hands and straight eyes,

so when life fades, as the fading sunset,

my spirit will come to you

without shame."

     As I was thinking, researching, gathering and planning for this important event, there were many, many times where I wondered if my guests would laugh, or leave thinking that I was insane.  I wanted to rely on my elders and my culture to put me in my place, to tell me what to do, but in the end, I had to create for myself what I did not already have.  In the end, every person there said that she wished someone had done something like this for her.  In the end I realized how important it is to acknowledge our young and to bring them formally into adulthood with a sense of compassion, community, acceptance and expectation.  Not an expectation that they will be perfect, but that they will always do their best to be kind to themselves and others, to make good choices, and to consciously cultivate their characters.  

    Madeline had a wonderful time, and was lit the entire evening and for days afterward with an ecstatic glow.  Of course, she still acts like a teenager, but the ceremony changed her.  It made her more confident, more open and more loving.  It gave her a safety in communicating with adults and close family members that she hadn't had before.  It gave her a sense of where she is coming from, an idea about where she is going, and the foundation of a supportive community behind her.   Without painful initiations or childbirth, she was able to experience a new sense of honor and responsibility within herself, a heightened sense of inner strength.

    In the end, I saw clearly that even though I am not a trained minister or priest, an elder or a scholar, I still have a right and a great duty to facilitate spiritual celebrations in my family and community.  Stepping up and becoming the spiritual leader that I had been seeking turned out to be yet another step in my own initiation as well.  In wanting more for my daughter, I found more for all of us, and in forging on through the darkness and fear of uncertainty in our modern and moderately culture-less American world, I found out how close we all are to profound spiritual transformation.  It is our duty to preserve each culture that we grow and learn from, but it is also our duty to create beautiful new things.  We are here to evolve through the generations, to learn from our parents and our past, and to move on from there.  We take the good and the strong with us, and it sustains us when we're lost.  We forge forward, toward the light, so that our children can have a better life than we did.  We must love, support and accept our children, teaching them by example.  We must bring them into adulthood with inspired eyes, a loving heart and a good head on their shoulders.  We must acknowledge their transformations.  We must teach them to communicate, to reach out and above all, we must show them that they are loved.  Everyone needs it and everyone deserves it.  This is how we evolve.

"I live my life in growing orbits

which move out over the things of the world.

Perhaps I can never achieve the last,

but that will be my attempt.

I am circling around God, around the ancient tower,

and I have been circling for a thousand years,

and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm,

or a great song."

-Ranier Maria Rilke

      

www.RNoelle.com

     

     

     

     

How to Recover from Being a Cheater

    "I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true.  I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have."

-Abraham Lincoln

      Cheating isn't something you can clearly define, because every relationship has its own set of boundaries.  From fundamentalist religious beliefs to polyamory communities, the rules and guidelines that we give ourselves and our partners reflect what makes us comfortable.  So why then, if we have the freedom to choose what kind of relationship we want to be in, are there so many people lying and cheating on their partners?  Why do so many people live double lives, pretending to be something that they're not?


      I have some friends who were cheated on, and who went on to being very trusting people anyway.  I have friends who have never trusted anyone.  For many years I was so ashamed of my insecurities and fears that I couldn't talk to anyone about them, not even my therapists.  ,For many years I believed that to just be a part of me.  "I'm just not a trusting person," I would say, and leave it at that.  But I don't want to believe that it's part of my genetics, or part of my character.  I don't want to believe that I will never trust.  I want it so, so badly, and yet, I am sometimes not quite sure how to find it.


     I remember the first time I was cheated on, by my 6th grade boyfriend and my "best friend."  I missed one day of school because I was sick, and they kissed each other in front of everyone.  In the end, neither of them turned out to be decent people, but at the time, I was devastated.  Why would a girl do that to her best friend?  Why would a boy do that to his girlfriend?


     The second time someone cheated on me was in high school.  In 9th grade, I fell in love with the bad boy at school.  He skipped class to smoke and drink, he treated me like crap, he was a "real artist" and I loved him.  He could do no wrong.  He would rip off other people's artwork and claim it as his own brilliant idea.  He would steal song lyrics and poetry and put them in his writings.  He was so threatened by my talent in dance that he actually waited all evening in the car once because he didn't want to come inside and see my show.  Sad, huh?  So this guy who I loved so much cheated on me after about 6 months, and I was devastated.  Two years later, we got back together and a year later, he did it again, with the same girl.  Not only had he cheated on me twice, but he had been deceiving me in the most unbelievable ways for months, while looking in my eyes and telling me that he loved me.  He bought me a promise ring, which I considered an engagement ring.  We talked about marriage.  Turns out he had bought that very same ring for the other girl too, and the only reason he bought it for me was so that he could look at my hand and pretend that it was hers.  One day he was saying he loved me, and the next he was dumping me and destroying every picture he had every taken of me.  Again, I was devastated, and I had no idea why someone would want to hurt me in this way.  I had no idea why he had felt the need to lie to me and tell me that he loved me.


     Well, in the end, it turns out that those two had not been able to stay away from each other since elementary school, and they are now married with tons of kids.  I was just a speed bump on their road to marital success, which I thank God for now, but here's the problem...the second time I put my trust in him was the last time I was able to put my trust in anyone.  After the fateful night when I called the other girl up and she told me about his letters and phone calls, about the ring and about all his lies, after I threw his ring in his face and drove away, I was met with the realization that you cannot tell if someone is lying to you, and therefor you can't trust anyone.


     I dated like a crazy person after that, and was married and pregnant within a year.  I was desperate for some sense stability, desperate to feel worthy and loved.  I chose the most normal, transparent person I could find and settled down, thinking all my troubles were over.  Yup...I don't think so.  Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and marriage threw me for a loop, and no matter how hard I tried to be normal, things just got more and more difficult.  Every problem, every hurt that I had held in from my past relationships and my present marriage was bubbling up.  Every time that pain began to bubble up, I began to push it down.  I was so angry-so angry at everyone who had ever hurt me, so angry at my husband for being so clueless, so angry at myself for not being able to say what I needed.


     During pregnancy and as a new mom, I became isolated in my home, my husband working and commuting long hours.  I sat around, taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, trying to lose the pregnancy weight.  I began obsessing over where he was, and who he was with.  I began wondering if he was leading a double life, if he really was who he said he was.  I held in all my worries and fears, ashamed of even mentioning them.  I began to assume that all of my greatest fears were true, and resenting him for things he had probably never done.  Eventually, after feeling all of these terrible things, and never talking about them, after building up resentments and closing down my heart, a man came into my life who offered me the perfect chance to cheat.  And I did.  After knowing exactly what it feels like to be horribly betrayed, after having been faithful to my partners all my life, the tables turned and I became a cheater.


     It started with one serious affair, which lasted an entire year.  I knew every day of my life that I had become one of those "double life" people, one of those people I had never understood.  I had allowed myself to fall in love this this other person, and so my inability to choose became enough of a justification in my mind to just continue on.  I became unnervingly good at lying, even while looking into the eyes of someone I loved.  Of course it ended in explosion, it always does.  But after that there were more.  Eventually I fell in love with one of my affairs, and left my husband.  I got married a second time, and did the same thing again.  I held everything in, building up resentments and fears, until my heart was desperate for love.  At that point in the cycle, once again, I had closed my heart too much to allow my husband in.  I bounced around for a while once more, and then fell in love again.  Left my husband and got married again, and here I am.


     I think it's probably safe to say that anyone who betrays you has been betrayed themselves.  It begins with heartbreak that you don't recover from, and it grows.  The more you let it eat at you, the more vindictive you begin to feel-towards yourself, your partner, and to everyone.  When we lie to ourselves and justify bad behavior, we cannot help but lose more of our self worth every day.  When you have lost your self worth, you have also lost any sense of value you may have had regarding your relationships and any vows you may have uttered in the past.  The human mind is brilliant at stuffing things it doesn't want to think about, and it's amazing how easy it is to forget important things when you are lost in the moment.  But the human soul is another story.  With all my brilliant lying, with all my carefully detailed finagling, I had never been so miserable.  I hated myself when I was a liar and a cheater more than I had ever hated anyone else.  And the more I proved to myself that I was untrustworthy, the more I knew I could never trust anyone else.


     The opportunity to cheat kind of sneaks up on you.  Things aren't going so well in your relationship, somebody cute comes along in some facet of your life, and suddenly you are locking eyes for far too long, having lengthy conversations about personal issues, hugging, brushing hands...  The hugs get longer, and you start texting.  You allow yourself to fantasize about that person, and you know that he/she is doing the same.  Look how far down the rabbit hole you have gone already, and it started with just two people looking at each other.  But I have chosen a committed relationship, and a life of trust, so that no longer works for me.  These seemingly innocent interactions with people who try to attract us are the very thing that keeps us from truly committing to the one we have vowed to love.


 Like I said before, every relationship is different, but even polyamory groups have rules.  It really helps to be clear on exactly what you expect from your partner, from the very beginning.  If you can't handle the ex girlfriends hanging around, say it.  If you like having more than one woman, say it.  Don't pretend to be one thing just to win someone over, and then stuff the rest of you beneath the skin.  It's all going to come out eventually.  Whatever it is you want in a relationship, just be honest about it in the beginning, and if things change, be honest about that.  We have so many expectations put upon us by society and religion, which works just fine for many people, but when it's not working, don't be afraid to speak up.  If you are about to break a set of vows, or even a promise to someone, stop and think, "

"Do I want to...
A.  Do what it takes to work on this relationship
B.  Negate the vows and move on
C.  Lie and cheat so that I can pretend that everything is ok and still get what I want?"

     Whatever the rules are in your life relationships, you were the one who agreed to them in the first place, so treat them honorably.  It's better to stand up and speak than to cause infinite destruction with your fear and carelessness.


     Boundaries:  something I've had to learn a lot about.  There are lots of small boundaries to cross, such as staring, flaunting, texting, emailing and physical touch boundaries, and these are the little things that lead to BIG things.  A huge boundary that I see a lot of people crossing is... inappropriate conversation topic.  We don't share the details of our marriage with anyone, unless that person has the well being of said marriage in their best interest.  We don't talk about important personal relationship issues with anyone who might be perceived as a threat.  Honestly, it's none of their business.  There are many people out there who have no problem crossing boundaries, and so you have to set your own and stick to them.


     People cross a lot of boundaries with body language.  They hold on too long, they squeeze too tight, they flaunt around to get your attention.  Sometimes this is appropriate, sometimes it's not.  Go with your gut, and be careful trusting people who come on strong.  They have nothing invested in your vows or your relationships, so what do they care?  They will happily destroy your entire life, and walk away unharmed.  Is it really worth it to succumb to such behavior?  I find it's best to just look into people's eyes and see that they are human.  I find it's best to just concentrate on your health instead of worrying how sexy your body is.  Save your flirting and your fantasies for your partner, and things will just keep getting hotter.   If your body language is sending out sex signals, or if you are attracted to that in someone else, just remember what your boundaries are, and focus on the person you are committed to.  Be a friend, a sister, a brother, a teacher to others, but never a boundary-less whore.  You are too good for that!

You may not think that a cheater can change, and you may not believe you can trust again, but I am here to tell you that anything is possible.  With a partner who values you, a strong sense of your own boundaries and a lot of hope, trust and honor can be gained little by little.  Moment by moment, with the decisions that we make, our self worth can be recovered.  Even the most frightened of us can begin to feel the cracks in our hearts loosening and opening.  Even the most resentful of us can be shown how to love if we are willing to let ourselves be seen.  There is no reason to lack integrity, because it is in our true nature.  Integrity itself means "complete," and we are indeed complete, and much happier within it.

    I never would have believed this, but I am beginning to trust.  In setting boundaries for myself, I have defined myself as someone who has worth.  My third husband is my coach in this journey, which is an admirable position, considering he gets the brunt of my emotion.  He listens to me, he encourages me to speak.  He tells me that he loves me no matter what I do, and so he completely owns my heart.  He holds his arms open to me even when I feel like packing, because he completely trusts me.  Feeling his trust in me is a huge part of my healing.  Every day, when I am faced with small choices like, "Should I check his email?" or "Should I walk away, take a deep breath and let it go?", I try to choose the one that I know is moving me in the right direction.

     When I have to talk about something, I do it.  Sometimes it takes me a while, but I get it out.  Moment by moment, day by day, I make conscious decisions to communicate, to open my heart even when it's fucking scary, and to never hold on to grudges.  If I'm scared about a circumstance, or a specific person, I do everything I can to get up the nerve and just ask.  I never regret asking, because each time we have a conversation, another burden is lifted.  I choose integrity consciously until it begins to feel natural.  I choose to be honest with myself.  I have chosen trust, in myself and in my husband, and slowly, with time, it is trickling in.

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

-William Shakespeare

www.RNoelle.com

   


   

 

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

10 Lies We Tell Ourselves

1.  "That person is better than me."

     Sometimes I marvel at how much time I've wasted on jealousy and insecurity.  Wanting to be prettier, wanting a better body, wanting more money, wanting fame, wanting so many things that seem to make other people happy.  Many of us spend our entire lives wishing we were someone else, while the real us is under there going, "Hey-I'm pretty amazing too, if you'd just give me a chance to grow!"  It doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside, how smart or strong or talented they are, how much they know, or how many possessions they own.  What matters is the thing that we each came to this earth with, and the thing that we will be taking with us when we die.  What matters is our spirit.  If you take everything else away, and see everything and everyone as spirit, you begin to realize that nobody could possibly be any better than anyone else.  The best people in the history of humanity have been the people who became the best versions of themselves, and who lived purely through their spirits.  It is not my job to criticize everything about myself from birth until death.  It is my job to become myself, without any comparison to anyone else.

     As Epictetus said in The Art of Living, "How easily dazzled and deceived we are by eloquence, job title, degrees, high honors, fancy possessions, expensive clothing, or a suave demeanor.  Don't make the mistake of assuming that celebrities, public figures, political leaders, the wealthy, or people with great intellectual or artistic gifts are necessarily happy.  To do so is to be bewildered by appearances and will only make you doubt yourself.  Remember:  The real essence of good is found only within things under your own control.  If you keep this in mind, you won't find yourself feeling falsely envious or forlorn, pitifully comparing yourself and your accomplishments to others.  Stop aspiring to be anyone other than your own best self:  for that does fall within your control."

2.  I am better than that person.

     As we go around comparing ourselves to everyone else, we feel envious of those who we feel are "better," than us, but at the same time, we have the audacity to believe that some people are "not as good" as us.  Think about it-who do you look down upon?  Who do you consider to be stupid, ugly, gross, annoying, mean, insane, pathetic or worthless?  Drug addicts?  Prostitutes?  Murderers?  Beggars?  A co-worker or family member?  Is there a whole group of people who you despise?  A different political party than your own?  People of another religion?  Another race?  Another sex?  If we are honest with ourselves, most of us can probably fill a page with people who we have looked down upon at one time or another.  

  

     Many people are lost, yes.  There are countless humans committing countless atrocities, as there have been since the beginning of time.  There are a billion different beliefs, a billion different view points.  We cannot control what others will do with their lives, or the paths that they decide to take.  To see someone as worthless is to suffer from your own lack of vision and understanding.  To look down on anyone is to lose reverence for all of life, including your own.  The moment you close your heart and feel arrogance instead of compassion, pride instead of mercy, and vanity instead of humanity, is the moment when your own evolution, and the evolution of the human race comes to a screeching halt.  Reverend Jesse Jackson put it so well when he said, "Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up."

3.  I am my mind.

     You know all those thoughts you have circling around your brain all the time?  You know how those voices in your head love to bother you constantly?  Do you believe that this conflicting, pestering worrying, obsessing parade of thoughts and emotions is you?   No one knows why, but this is the way our brains work-through thinking, talking and bickering, through selectively focusing and obsessing, through multiple channels of thought consciousness, all the time.  Our mind can be a beautiful thing, full of creativity, knowledge and focus...but it can also be the death of us.  Think about how many people throughout history have wallowed in their anger and depression, who have allowed themselves to go mad over one event or one person, who have slipped off into another realm, completely within their own minds.  

     This steady stream of thoughts, both the good ones and the bad ones, is one of the most difficult parts of being human.  This is why we meditate, and why some can spend an entire lifetime just learning how to still the mind and release the ego.  You get used to the sound of our own voice in your head, and many of us believe that that is who we are.  However, if that constant speaking voice in your head is you, then who is the one listening?  You are not the thoughts-you are the one who is hearing them.  Dig a little deeper, below your brain and your mouth.  Dig down into your heart and your stomach, and there you will find the pureness of who you really are.

4.  I am my body.

    The beauty industry loves to take advantage of this belief.  The amount of time and money that is spent on outer appearances is horrifying, because countless people look at themselves in the mirror and believe that that is who they are.  Rather than listening to a woman and hearing her speak from her heart, we look at her breasts, her butt, her lips, her eyelashes, comparing her to our own idea of "perfection."  Rather than respect a man for his nobility and character, we appraise his body like a piece of meat and scrutinize his face with a keen eye.  No one is immune from physical judgment-it is a part of life.  But we all know that the real person is hiding just below the surface.  We all come to know, little by little, that appearances are only an insignificant part of our vast experience, and a minuscule bit of who we actually are.

     Of course we all need to eat well and exercise...but the depth of our loveliness does not come from outside perfection-it comes from the soul within.  Beautiful young people will either die or wither, and we all end up merging into the Earth in the end.  Whatever body you are given, treat it kindly so that it may take you painlessly through life.  Whatever face you are given, light it from within with a smile.  Make eating, exercising, and all of life a part of your spiritual practice, and you will find that your body is merely an extension of the light you hold within.  Your body is your host for this lifetime, and nothing more.  You are bigger than anything that happens to your body.

5.  There are lots of things I need in order to be happy.

     Beyond basic survival, the only thing any of us really needs to be happy, is the right mindset.  Once we realize that we cannot control events, circumstances and other people, then we can just relax into being happy for whatever comes.  We need only to make the decision to be happy, no matter what the circumstances, and we have saved ourselves from a life of conditional happiness.  You don't need that one house, or that one car, that one partner, that one job, that one hairdo, or that one opportunity to be happy.  In fact, there is very, very little that you do need.  If you make the decision to be happy anyway, you will open yourself up to endless opportunity, and in the meantime you will lead a fulfilling life.

     As Michael A. Singer so clearly stated in Untethered Soul, "Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything.  You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life?  The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're doing with the rest of your life is already defined-you're letting go of yourself so that you can remain happy."

6.  I have all the time in the world.

     Everyone says that the older you get, the faster time flies.  As each year moves on in the blink of an eye, you begin to realize that you'd better get going on the things you really want to do.  Think about it:  even if you live to be 100, how much time do you have left to fulfill your legacy?  What do you want to have done with your life?  

     Let me take that to another level and remind you that today could be your very last day here on this earth, living breathing, talking, blinking.  Many, many, many people die each day, and it's only a matter of time before you are one of them, before I am one of them, before each person that we love and hate is one of them.  Liz Gilbert once said, "Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."  I feel the same way about living out our unique destinies.  Each and every day that we have here on this earth is a gift, and an opportunity to do the very best that we can.  We must go after our lives and live out our legacies, because today could be our only chance.

7.  That's just the way I am, and I can't change.

     Change is funny.  When you see something within you that you no longer want to live with, when the light momentarily shines on a deep chasm within you that you have been carrying around and trying to forget about, that is only the beginning.  When an alcoholic decides to get sober, when an addict goes through rehab, when a wife decides to trust her husband, when a child decides to be different from his parents, this is only the beginning. Changes can be journeys, and can take lifetimes.   Many people are not interested in change, because it takes vision and strength of heroic proportion.  Change comes to those who are strong enough to stand up and say, "I don't know what I am growing into, but I have a vision."

     Even if their choices are destroying their lives, people can be solidly resistant to change.  I have heard people say things like, "I will always be fucked up," and "I never do anything right." The beginning of change happens with this person refuses to speak these words, and begins replacing them with something productive.  The thoughts and words are replaced, day by day, and the mindset begins to change.  This person's heart begins to open more gradually, and more of the world begins to spill in.  The change that happens when we begin to exercise our will and our vision is the beginning of a new life.  Anyone can do it, at any time.  The trick is to keep at it, and to be patient.

8.  The world is out to get me.

     Since ancient times, many humans have believed this-whether it is the gods, or God, the devil or the Universe, humanity, or luck, we have always tried to blame our shortcomings on others, and our unhappiness on circumstance.  The fact is, events happen as they do, and people act they way they want to-it has nothing to do with you.  None of us knows what will happen from one moment to the next, and every single person who lives experiences both good and bad events, and a constant array of intense emotion.  We all feel trauma, we all feel anger, and we are put here on this planet to enjoy it anyway.   Life will hurt us, inevitably.  People will hurt us, sometimes intentionally.  It is a waste of time to take these things personally and to think that our own light is diminished by any of it. 

      If we can focus on the blessings in our lives, we will begin to see that rather than a bucketful of misfortune and doom, life is really an ocean of conflicting energies.  Between our mindset and our decisions, we have the power to catch the positive waves, and ride them through any circumstance.  Sometimes we may fall and feel the pull of darkness under us, but it is always within our will to get back up and ride another wave.

9.  Pain is bad.

     Some are afraid of emotional pain, some are afraid of physical pain.  Some are so afraid to feel anything at all that they numb everything all the time and create buffers of comfort between themselves and the world.  What they don't realize is that, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you cannot escape pain.  As the First Noble Truth states in the Buddhist tradition, "Life is suffering."  Of course life is suffering!  Do you think that growth, change, love, death, and any of the moments we experience can happen without pain?  Even the moments we love cause us pain, because we cannot experience them forever.  So many times our hearts break open, and it hurts.  So many beautiful times are locked forever only in our memories, and it hurts.  It hurts because of all the things we want.  We want happiness to last, and suffering to go away.  We want more stuff that will make us happy, or we want to control events to suit our own hearts.  We can never have all that we desire, and so we suffer.

     A woman giving birth naturally knows that she is about to dive into a world of pain, but she also knows that motherhood lies at the other end.  An athlete learns to embrace the pain of training, because he knows that many rewards lie at the other end.  We can use our pain to help us grow and transform, pushing us slowly out of our cocoons, showing us how strong we really are.  If we ignore the urge to stuff it down or push it away, the suffering in life will naturally rise and fall with the tide.  Every time it comes up, if we allow it, it will crack us open a bit more, helping us develop more fully.  Every time it goes, it will bring us gratitude for our own resilience.  Learn to relax through the pain, the anger and the fear.  Just feel it rise like a wave, and let it melt back down.  If you relax, you can turn that energy into light.

     

10.  Death is scary.

     Here, right now, on this Earth, in our lives, everything seems so permanent.  All of our relationships, all of the things we've collected and the places we've been.  When I think about it, in this moment, it seems that my husband and I and my children will be here together forever.  Then I begin to think about reality.  The reality is that there will come a time when we have to say goodbye to each and every person that we love.  Every single one.  Maybe it will be you who is making the transition into the unknown, maybe it will be someone you love.  Maybe it will be a long illness, and maybe it will be a sudden accident.  Think of a cause of death, and I can tell you right now that it has probably happened to someone.  Death lies ahead, waiting for each one of us, and not even the wisest sage or smartest person can tell us where we are going.  Death is so looming and mysterious, such a companionless adventure, and from where we sit in these human lives, it can seem so scary.

     Death is only scary if you try to resist it.  If you actually believe that your worrying will keep your children alive, or that your health food obsession will prolong your life, you are trying to control something that is uncontrollable.  Yes, your healthy food obsession might make you happier while you're here, and yes your worrying might make you a more cautious parent, but the only true peace comes in accepting that there is no escaping death.  You have no control, so just surrender.  You are already dead.  Your time here is a quick season, and then you're off to unknown territory, where every other human has gone before you.  You will not be the first to die, and you will not be the last, because it is the destiny of all living things to live out their lives and perish.  There is such beauty in the realization that there could be anything beyond that tunnel of light.

     Throw yourself into the winds of life and let them carry you upward.  Surrender to the inevitable and find a sense of peace in it.  Trust yourself and your strength, always knowing that your spirit will survive it all.  Have faith in the deeper, invisible world.  Embrace the mystery.  Float up into your higher self, where you are connected to all that you hold dear, and you will see that there is nothing to be angry about, nothing to grieve, and nothing to fear.

"Moonlight Beach" by R. Noelle.

www.RNoelle.com

Dealing With Bad Days

    "To stand up and be worn 

to something deeper 

is a pledge that living 

forces us to keep."

-Mark Nepo

     From the moment we are born on this planet, we are subject to the elements, the unknown, emotions, responsibilities, and all kinds of fluctuating energies both inside and outside of us.  Each moment brings new possibility for change, both negative and positive, and none of us know how to predict the way we will feel at any given moment.  Some people treat their bodies badly and live to be 100, and others who die young are puritanical about their self care.  Sometimes we get hardly any sleep, and wake up feeling refreshed...and sometimes we sleep for hours and wake up exhausted and cranky.  I used to think that I could prepare myself for the next day, and what it would bring, but I am realizing more and more that I really have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I do not know how to ensure that tomorrow will be a good day, that I will wake up feeling happy, or even that I will still be alive.

     Sometimes my brain goes to the thought, "What if this is my last day?"  I wonder if the clothes I'm putting on will be the clothes that I die in.  I worry about all the things I haven't done yet in my life.  I worry about the welfare of my kids.  Sometimes I wake up and feel the weight of my responsibilities crushing me, before I even lift my head off the pillow.  My worst mornings are the ones where the pressure of waking into real life feels like quicksand, pulling me out of my free and glorious dreamland.  I drag myself up and stagger around, fulfilling my morning routine slowly, methodically.  I notice that some of my hair falls out in the shower, and I am suddenly overwrought with depressing thoughts about aging, fears about going bald, anger that youth is so short.  I look in the mirror, picking every inch of myself apart, reprimanding myself for not being healthy enough, for not working out hard enough, for eating too much sugar, for everything.  I reprimand myself for being too hard on myself.  Of course, it's a bad hair day.  Of course I have dark circles under my eyes.  No amount of makeup can make me look the way I wish I looked, and no cute clothes can turn me into the young, perfect Barbie doll that I (at this moment) believe I should be. I drop my eyeshadow and it breaks into a billion pieces on the floor.  I hit my head as I'm standing up from cleaning the mess.  My daughter refuses to get out of bed and get ready for school.  We are late for school and work, and we get stuck waiting for a train.  A taxi cab runs a stop sign and almost kills us all...

     In the past, (until I read the book Untethered Soul), each and every one of these events would have built up inside me, and I would have ended up pulled over on the side of the road weeping, or racing onto the freeway with severe road rage.  But something clicked inside me when I read this book, and it is impossible for me to ignore.  So much so that I have been reading it one chapter per month, so as to make sure that I'm applying Michael A. Singer's concepts to my daily life.  I know now that I cannot allow any event or string of events to close up my heart and ruin my day.  Now that I have been awakened to the infinite strength inside my own soul, I know that I can depend on myself to just observe the thoughts and events as they pass through, and let them go.  In every moment of our lives, including the worst ones, we have a choice to either let our consciousness delve into negativity, or to allow the deeper, stronger part of ourselves to take over and bring us forward.  

     The real you, your soul, is meant to listen and observe.  This part of you is witness to all of the crazy thoughts that reach out into the depths of your fear, anger, sorry and joy.  The real you is not the critical voice, the paranoid voice, the nagging voice, or any of the other voices you hear as your day unfolds.  The real you is the one who is underneath all of that, observing it.  So if we can observe the patterns of our brains, then we also have the power to control them.  We may not be able to control what pops up in the first place, but where we let it go is completely under our control.  As the taxi driver speeds away, not even flinching at the fact that he almost killed my family, I observe my thoughts become murderous.  I want to chase him, to crash my car into his, to punch him, to scream.  These thoughts begin to lead into further thoughts that take me deeper and deeper into rage and misery.  This is the point where I know I need to take control, and I know that the sooner I take control, the easier it's going to be for me, and the better chance I have of having a peaceful day despite the events that take place.  

     Have you noticed how one bad thought leads to the next?  Have you noticed that the more you let your mind spiral off, the harder it is to recognize reality?  I am still battling with vices and obsessions that I must work on every day to let go of-needs and thought patterns that I created out of fear, resentment and boredom.  These thought patterns used to be my reality-I allowed my mind to obsess severely over things that eventually destroyed relationships, dreams, opportunities.  I obsessed so much over certain things that I eventually ended up making them realities, and believe me-these were not positive things.  I clung to my vices for comfort when my obsessions had brought me to my lowest, and I circled down there in my own scum for years and years.  I know from experience how easy it is to let your mind get lost, which is why I really believe in the importance of controlling your thoughts.  When I read Untethered Soul, I realized that not only is it possible to bring yourself back into reality, but it's also very simple.  Just remember that your thoughts aren't you.  Recognize your soul and learn to rely on it.  Your soul is stronger than any thoughts, emotions or events that you experience, and all you have to do is observe where your mind is going, reel it in, and relax.  Letting go and moving on has nothing to do with stuffing the feeling down, and everything to do with breathing, physically relaxing, and saying "Hello...and goodbye" to passing thoughts and feelings.  If we can rely on ourselves to drop down into our souls during difficult moments, if we can reel our consciousness back in when it lashes out, if we can keep the negative and positive energy in constant flow, if we can experience each present moment that comes, then we can move our lives forward and upward, away from the stagnant waters of misery.

     I am developing little ways in which I can rely on myself to pull through tough situations.  In the early morning when I am already feeling angry or sad, and I dread coming into real life again, I know that if I just breathe for a while, if I just sit up and do one round of chanting, if I envision all of the people who will smile at me today, I am then able to take the next step forward and set foot on the floor with gratitude.  In the shower, as I begin to panic about hair loss, I stop and remember something Mark Nepo once said, "Misery stems from a loss of perspective."  I ask myself, "What does that mean to me?  How does that apply to this situation?"  Immediately, I have my answer-that there is no time in this world for getting lost in tiny, personal problems.  That there is no time in this world for being miserable over the way we look, or might look some day.  We are all here to age and die.  We ourselves are only a passing season.  In the vastness of eternity, in the grandeur of the universe, what does it matter that two hairs fell out of my head?  What does it matter if all my hair falls out?  There are beautiful sights to be seen.  There are wondrous millenniums to unfold.  There are people to love and support, friends to grow old with, children to guide.  There is a universe full of unknown miracles.  There is your destiny, my destiny, our destiny as a species, as a planet, as life.  We are alive, and we are so fragile.  We are almost gone, and here we are-fighting, obsessing, skulking around in misery.  But when we live from our souls and allow them to keep us present, we can find the peace and perspective we need to save both ourselves and the world.

     Bad days will happen.  Difficult events will happen.  None of that has to break us.  None of it has to be held in.  None of it has to escalate.  Let's let it all move through us, let it all change us.  Let's surrender our egos and stay open to the mystery of our lives.  Let's be kinder to ourselves.  Let's be more understanding with others.  Let's make it our goal to discover our own souls, to close our eyes and recognize ourselves.  Let your smile bring you wrinkles and let your hair fall out.  Find something bigger, deeper and more lovely to live for.  Join me in the ups and downs, and we can continue to bring each other into the truth.  Release the light of your soul, and I will release mine.  Eventually, one day, if we are lucky enough to be old, wrinkled and bald, we will smile knowing that we experienced every moment.

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

-Emerson

www.RNoelle.com

     

     

How Do I Love Myself?

     "Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend."

-Elizabeth Gilbert

     I spend a lot of time wondering when I will have a clear sense of self worth.  When will I feel confident in my ability to succeed?  When will I be open and trusting in my relationships?  The trust, the confidence-they come and go, and when they go, I'm left there wondering, "Who am I to be a teacher/writer/artist/mother/wife/friend?  What makes me special?  What makes me lovable?"  It really doesn't matter how many compliments I receive or how many people love me-I still seem to spend time wondering about my worth.  I wonder if the compliments were true or false.  I wonder if the people who say they love me are being honest.  I feel so much love for others, but when it comes to me, I do a lot of wondering.

     Things happen in our lives that break our hearts and compel us to question our worth.  When a lover ignores us, treats us badly, leaves us or is unfaithful to us, we turn ourselves upside down, wondering what essential beauty we ourselves are lacking.  When our parents criticize or hurt us, we are like children again, defensive and angry or desperate for approval and acceptance.  We hang onto those hurts for years and years, obsessing over them until they become a part of us.  We carry around broken pieces of our hearts, and when our self worth comes into question, all of those pieces come bobbing up to the surface.  Those thoughts and memories make us feel small and exhausted, like we have no place on this earth and no stable ground to stand on.  Even when things are good sometimes we wonder how it is that we deserve happiness, and how long it will stay.

     At my worst, I feel a wretched, spiteful anger toward anyone who provokes me to question my self worth.  In one moment I can turn from tenderness to venom, from Jekyll to Hyde.  In one moment, my heart closes.  Even when I know that it's not the other person-that it's me and my own issues-even then, I feel violence surge inside of me.  I want to hurt the person, to share my suffering, to make them feel the horrible way that I do.  I want to close the doors and never show them love again.  The lack of love that I have for myself turns into hideous anger, directed outwards at others.  In that moment, I feel that hurting someone else would be the answer, that destruction is the only solution to my pain.  And if I can't destroy the other person, I will then turn around and do something destructive to myself.  I wonder what I could possibly do to make things better, or even to just show the world how much it hurts, but nothing I can ever do or say will satisfy my pain.  When I speak from this place, I create more misery.  When I act from this place, I only hurt myself more, I destroy the world around me, and I create pathways to shame and regret.  So I know I must do what it takes to find seeds of love, deep within my gashed bosom.  I know I must do whatever I possibly can to love those who hurt me deeply.  I know that a life of anger and violence, an existence of fear and self pity, is not for me.

     Each person that lives has something that evokes violent urges inside.  We all have our buttons, we all have our weaknesses, and I know for a fact that many, many people in this world have problems stemming from a perceived lack of love.  Quite often we feel desperately alone and positively worthless, and we expect others to fill that void for us, or to at least not trigger the pain.  Of course, others are who they are, and they will do what they will do, so we are left with the pain of bearing our own broken hearts and the huge underlying questions, How do I love myself?  How do I find a place where I can be ok with my rage?  How do I keep from constantly questioning what I'm worth?  How do I become a stable soul who cannot be broken by the mistreatment of others?  

     There are many times that I do feel love for myself.  When I lift others up, when I eat something healthy, when I stop resisting and take care of business, when I create a piece of art that I feel is beautiful or powerful-these things confirm my worth and the worthiness of my path.  Essentially, when I make good choices, I reinforce my self esteem.  When I have done what it takes to pull my life together, when I get out and help others, when I have the strength to reach out, when I have beautiful moments with my children, when I pass up an opportunity to be mean-these things bring me into a sense of peace within myself.  I think, "Wow-I think I can actually learn to love this person who I am.  I think I can actually be grateful for the gifts, and even the problems that I possess.  I think I can actually trust that others will be true and honest to me.  I think I'm worth loving!"  I do these things daily, weekly, monthly, to bring meaning into my life, and yet I still have my open nerves, my moments of despair.  But this is just the first level of true self love.  The first level is to answer the question, "Am I making good choices?"  When we do things that we know are bad for us, we are slowly but surely diminishing our feeling of self worth.  The more things we do for our body mind and soul that we know are keeping us on the right path, the more our sense of self worth will grow.

     The second level comes in facing our past.  There is no need to let the past rule our current lives, but if we are honest with ourselves about the root of what originally hurt us, we can connect more deeply and truly with why it is we are feeling this way now.  When you find that root feeling, and connect with that hurtful moment in time, the only work then is in releasing it.  It was only a moment in time, and we have held it for so long.  There is no reason for us to be hurt, for us to live in fear, for us to close our hearts because of a memory.  At this level, we identify the root feeling and accept it.  Even if the true feeling is, "I hate myself sometimes" or "I feel worthless," just fall into that feeling for a moment and let your soul digest it.  There is nothing you can do in this world to keep the pain away.  When you get hurt, you just let go.  Let the light of your soul burn away all the crap, and just let go.  There are so many ways to let go in the moment, but all of them include breathing.  So when a feeling of hurt comes along, when a painful memory comes up, just empty your lungs completely and then fill them up again.  Don't go down the path that your pain is trying to lead you to-stay right inside yourself, and just feel it.  Face your past, feel the hurt, and let it go.  In doing this, we can learn to rely on ourselves for compassion.  We learn to be resilient.

     The third level into self love is in living with gratitude and embracing your gifts.  Accept that you are a miracle, accept that you are unique.  No one else but you can tell your story.  No one else but you can create what you can create.  You are the one and only person who has lived your life, and here you are still-living and breathing!  There is just so much to be grateful for, and to turn our lives into acts of gratitude is to find more to love than we ever knew existed.  The fourth level of self love comes with the shedding of the ego.  When we realize that we are already dead, when we realize that we are already reborn, when we stand in awe at the vastness orbiting around our tiny little lives, and stop in wonder at the greatness within our hearts, then we can surrender and say, "Wow-this is my one chance, and this is what has been given to me, now.  Choosing to love it all will be my savior.  Choosing to love who I am will allow me to live this precious life!"  Don't let big egos fool you-they are often an outward symptom of a very small sense of self worth.  Look around you at people who love themselves-they shine with a light that is all theirs, and they share it with others.  They see no competition in being who they are, and they accept themselves as divine.  They don't need anyone else's approval to shine.  They don't need to show off.  They don't need praise, and they don't even need acceptance.  To accept that you are divine is the deepest level of self love.

     I heard a woman express recently that she knew what it felt like to love others, but she didn't feel that same kind of feeling about herself.  She took care of herself, she respected herself, but she didn't know if she loved herself.  Isn't it true with all of us?  Do we ever have a rushing feeling of giddiness when we are about to spend time alone with ourselves?  Do we ever wrap our arms around ourselves and say, "I love you so much!"  Do we feel joy in giving ourselves gifts and doing nice things for ourselves?  Do we ever look in the mirror and say, "You're sooooo good lookin'."?  Not really.  In fact, I believe that most people spend most of their lives being very, very hard on themselves.  I have seen it in myself, I have seen it in many of my students, and I have seen it in all of the people I know intimately.  We keep our most precious faults hidden because we are terrified of being vulnerable.  We allow our negative self talk to become our whole existence, and we kick and scream our way through each day.  We wonder if people like us, we wonder if we fit in.  We wonder constantly if we're good enough, young enough, pretty enough, etc, etc, etc.  We can't stop listening to our egos, which are so weighed down with sensitivity that we can't face the truth, and yet we actually believe we can go on pretending to be "normal".  Looking at and loving who we are gets further clouded and complicated by the falsities of the media and the expectations of society, and the thoughts that we allow ourselves to think are rarely the self-nourishing ones.  Is it possible to look within with compassion and tenderness, like a mother loving her daughter, or a father raising his son?  How do we spend more time in that deeper, wiser part of ourselves, and how do we council ourselves out of negative thought patterns and deep-seated fears?

     As Thich Nhat Hahn says, "Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.  Conscious breathing is my anchor."  Sometimes there is nothing we can do with our feelings, and so all we can do is to make sure we're not holding them in.  We do this by simply breathing.  When the last thing our bodies want to do is relax, we relax.  We experience the wave of emotion and we surrender to it.  We breathe it out, we slow our breath, we clear our mind of obsessive thoughts.  We slow down and we breathe, and we put an arm around the small child within us.  We soften our shell, and we relax deeply-right then and there.  We find our true self, the one who holds us up so tenderly through all of our pitfalls, the one who is capable of unconditional love, beneath the breath and beneath the waves of constant feelings.  

     Even as I write this, my feelings of panic that I'm not enough are starting to seem foreign.  The intense fears I thought would invade my thoughts always are so distant to me that I may as well have read them in a book.  It is this way so often with feelings-they are so strong, and yet so fleeting.  And so of course I know that the fear, anger and sadness can easily be triggered again.  Yet this is the beauty of doing conscious inner work.  In the past, my fears would have invaded my existence, affecting my entire life and all my choices and relationships.  Now that I have learned to breathe and pry open my heart again, I am becoming more resilient.  My nerves are still open, yes, because I choose to be more vulnerable each and every day, but I cannot do this work of loving myself unless I am willing to give all of myself away.  A person who knows their self worth has nothing to lose and everything to give away.  With patience and conscious work, we can each realize that we are just as worthy as anyone else.  Our souls may be full of holes, but that just means that the breath of God can move through us more freely.  Our hearts may be broken, our bodies may be broken, but as long as we have the power to fill ourselves with oxygen and cultivate inner peace, we have the power to fully live without debilitating fear and regret.  The inner work, the beauty we each create, the legacy we leave behind as loving people-these are the things that we truly live for, and these are the things that will help us realize that we are each an invaluable and essential piece of the world.

"The secret of individuality is powerfully suggested by the act of birth.  We come to the earth in an intensely vulnerable way, for birth is an act of separation.  We are cast out into the emptiness as the cord is cut, yet the wound of connection remains open for the visitation of beauty...The shape of each soul is different.  An individual is a carefully fashioned, unique world.  The shape of the flaw that each person carries is also different.  The flaw is the special shape of personal limitation; angled at a unique awkwardness to the world, it makes our difficulty and challenge in the world different from that of others.  When we stop seeing the flaw as a disappointment and exception to an otherwise laudable life, we begin to glimpse the awkward light and hidden wisdom that the flaw holds.  As we look deeper, we begin to realize that the flaw might be the first window into a world of difference that we rarely notice."

-John O'Donohue

www.RNoelle.com

     

How to Become a Grown Up

"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future."

-George Bernard Shaw

1.  Take responsibility for yourself and your life.  Think of it this way:  before you were born, your soul decided on the perfect situation, the perfect physical body, and the perfect family for you to be born into, so that you could learn the lessons you needed to learn.  Beginning with those decisions and leading up to this very moment, you have created your entire existence.  The way you feel about things, the way you view your surroundings and yourself, the life that you are living right now, and the amount of joy that you feel-you need to take 100% responsibility for all of these things.  You have no control over what others think and feel, or over the destiny of nature, but when it comes to you, you have the right and supreme duty to take over.  Stop blaming others for your shortcomings and misfortunes.  Ask yourself instead, "Which of my decisions lead me to this, and what can I do to turn things around for myself?"  You know what you need to do to heal yourself and your life, so do it.  Resist negative self talk, and take responsibility for your thoughts.  Think before you speak, and take responsibility for your words.  The Google definition for responsibility is this:  "The state or fact of having a duty to deal with something, or of having control over someone."  This someone is you, this duty is your life.

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"I do not want the peace which paseth understanding.  I want the understanding which bringeth peace."

-Hellen Keller

2.  Move away from judgment, towards understanding.  You have no idea where anyone is coming from, or what their experience of life is.  You have no idea what awaits you in your lifetime.  If you think about it, humans don't really know much, so wouldn't it be wise to stop closing ourselves off to things we can't comprehend, or things that make us angry and fearful, and to instead have an intention to question and understand?  Wouldn't it make more sense as a human to look around with wonder, loving everyone and learning what we can?  Imagine the life of the fundamentalist.  The fundamentalist has closed his mind and heart completely to the ways and views of others, thereby creating his own sealed existence.  He has decided that his beliefs and opinions are worth closing his heart over, and he goes to insane lengths to feel worthy, right and better than.  If a person is on a truly wise and spiritual path, he knows that the only answer to growth is to continue opening, accepting, surrendering, understanding.  No one ever became a Sage or a Saint by closing his mind and hiding his heart.  When we view our surroundings with fear, anger and judgment, we are experiencing only a portion of what life has to offer.  When we put labels on things and people, we are seeing through the very smallest of minds.

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"Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself."

-Saint Francis de Sales

3.  Surrender to patience.  Everywhere I look, I see how hard this is for people.  Every single day of my life, I'm reminded of how hard it is for me.  We want what we want, when we want it, and we don't want to wait.  But here's the thing.  Life is a glorious adventure, and I can say from experience that we rarely ever know where the bends in the road will lead us.  I used to feel so enraged by the fact that I hadn't become successful yet, and that was in my teens.  Then, in my twenties I learned as many skills as I could, obsessing over them and then dropping them, one by one, always so impatient with myself and with time, wondering when success would come to me.  As a kid, I dreamed every day of being a grown up.  Now, I work tirelessly on my inner work and when I am triggered again, anyway, and it seems like I have made no progress, I kick and scream...until I remember that wonderful things rarely ever happen instantly, and that the purpose of this life is to just keep swimming.  Time and the cultivation of patience are some of our most painful and most difficult lessons in life, but in so many of our biggest questions, the only true answer, whether we want to hear it or not...is "time."  Learn to trust yourself and your destiny.  Learn to just be.  Set your intentions, work hard, and cultivate beautiful things...one day at a time.

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"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.  He does not need punishment; he needs help.  That is the message he is sending."

-Thich Nhat Hahn

4.  Love people anyway (including yourself.)  Don't take anything personally, especially not other people's crap.  Be kind to everyone.  If you have a problem with someone, ask yourself, "What about me is registering with the negative energy in them?"  If you weren't experiencing a closing of fear and anger, then you wouldn't be bothered, right?  So, if we don't want to be trapped in a world of fear and anger whenever we are triggered by someone, then we just need to just learn to stop taking stuff personally and accept each other the way we are.  We also need to accept ourselves even when we're pissed.  When someone touches one of your nerves, imagine them in an encounter with someone like Jesus, St. Francis, or Gandhi.  Take off your judgement lenses and try to see through the emotions that people throw at you.  The weight of one unhappy person is not nearly enough to extinguish the light of someone who lives in love.  It is always the unhappy person who is changed in the end.  As Longfellow once said, "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."  Live in the light of love and acceptance, and you will ensconce each person you meet, and yourself, with the freedom to be authentic.

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"It is not a demonstration of kindness or friendship to the people we care about to join them in indulging in wrongheaded, negative feelings.  We do a better service to ourselves and others by remaining detached and avoiding melodramatic reactions.  Still, if you find yourself in conversation with someone who is depressed, hurt, or frustrated, show them kindness and give the a sympathetic ear; just don't allow yourself to be pulled down too."

-Epictetus

5.  Be a good example.  Even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done.  Be respectful and kind to yourself.  You don't need to take it upon yourself to change the world-just don't participate in negativity.  Use your will power and continuously remind yourself of what your values are.  Many people won't understand you, but as they see you changing and growing, they will either disappear, or they will be changed by you and accept you for the person you are becoming.  Hold your life as precious, and don't allow anyone to bring you to lower levels of energy.  Continue spiraling up, into more and more beautiful, positive energy.  The negativity will gradually drop away, but only if you are making conscious, daily choices to live in your own integrity.  By deciding to be a positive influence you do everyone a favor, especially yourself.

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"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

6.  Live in gratitude.  Stop complaining.  Forget about self pity.  You don't like something about your life?  Do something about it.  Are things bothering you?  Look within and find out why.  Start focusing your critic's eye inward-not to question your self worth or wallow in negative self talk, but to fine-tune your physical, mental, and spiritual self.  Once you have taken responsibility for your life, you will realize that everything you may have to complain about is self-created anyway, so the only person you're really complaining about (and to) is yourself.  Your life is the product of your decisions, so turn your complaining into transformation.  Learn to see life as a gift, and be grateful that you even woke up this morning.  Be grateful for your freedom, and for a new chance each day to get it right.  Give out compliments instead of insults, and maybe even let someone merge in front of you on the freeway tomorrow.  Look at every setback and annoyance as the perfect opportunity for growth.  That's exactly what good businesses do, so why not take that approach with your own life?

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"Be truthful, gentle and fearless."

-Gandhi

7.  Tell the truth.  There is no time in this world for lying.  You have just as much right to a voice as anyone else, so speak it.  Be a grown up and learn to live in your integrity.  I love this Gandhi quote, because these three traits go together so beautifully, and in a way that I have faith in.  I grew up fearing honesty, because I thought that it always meant criticism and confrontation, but it isn't so!  Yes, it takes strength for us to be honest with ourselves and each other, but when you learn how to communicate in authentic, loving ways, there is really nothing to fear.  As long as you are living in your integrity, there is never anything to fear.

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"The great question is:  will you pay attention to things other than yourself?"

-David Whyte

8.  Have the strength to think about something other than yourself.  Pull yourself out of your thoughts every once in a while.  Absorb the world.  Listen to the wind, to the children, to your friends.  Let your ego relax for a while and make space for experience.  I think of this Haiku by Basho quite often:  "A blind child, guided by his mother, admires the cherry blossoms."  Close your eyes like the child and immerse yourself in touch, sound, scent.  Reach out like the mother and lead others to beautiful experiences.  Learn to open and grow, like the blossom, existing and flourishing not for approval or appreciation, but because it is simply natural for you to be who you are.  Notice how the things around you, even objects, are alive and impermanent-an integral part of your existence.  It's so easy to become 100% absorbed in the "I" and "Me" of life, but the only way to grow up is to see yourself as a small part of the whole.

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"Override your dark habits, leave your dark behind.  Let the dark emerge, rise up, and deal with it so there is more space for the light."

-Steven Morrison

9.  Find tools that help you release fear and anger.  Suffering is a natural part of life, and I have never known anyone who could process and release it without tools.  Spiritual evolution (what I call actually growing up,) comes through experience and hard work-not through stuffing emotion, throwing tantrums like a child, or self medicating.  If we don't find tools to process and release them, trauma and emotion build up in our bodies throughout the years, eventually turning into physical and psychological ailments.  My current doctor is working on healing distressed organs in my body through energy release and toxin cleansing, and the biggest part of what he does is pinpointing exactly what trauma, from a specific point in my life, is still stuck inside of my body.  So far, he has hit the nail on the head every time, and I end up weeping out years of backed up emotion for hours.  There is a direct line between your emotional state and your physical state, so think about what you need to do to keep yourself free from energetic blocks.  Here are some suggestions:  breathing, yoga, exercise, TFT, EFT, meditation, Trauma Release Therapy, chanting, toning, crying, laughing, gardening, art, dance, music...the list goes on.  Whatever you do, do it with the intention of opening, surrendering, and releasing.

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"An essential part of spiritual growth is the removal of spiritual blocks.  One of the basic blocks is the sense of guilt.  To feel unworthy prevents surrender and subtly impedes spiritual growth.  Guilt is an indulgence-an emotional teething ring which enables us to remain immature while whimpering that we are not good enough to have the experience we feel is reserved for 'better people.'"

-Rudi

10.  Give up guilt.  Let go of the past.  Don't keep yourself locked in that prison anymore.  Guilt is a heavy weight to carry around through your days, and it only ever brings unhappiness.  Let it go.  Whatever you feel guilty about, whatever you may have done, is already gone.  It's in the past, and today you started fresh...so choose today to move on and build something new.  If you have done something wrong, then seek forgiveness and change, and do the hard work to accept that you are forgiven.  Going through our lives feeling unworthy and sorry for ourselves is a waste of time, especially when all those days, weeks, years and lifetimes could be spent in joy and beauty.  Things happen so that we can learn from them and grow up-not so that we can hold on to them forever and weigh our souls down with anguish.  Find peace in your relationship with yourself, find a path away from self-sabotage, and you will feel a release from guilt, shame and blame.

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"In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness."

-Henry David Thoreau

11.  Live simply.  Slow down.  Stop running and experience life.  You don't need a ton of money, food or possessions.  Nobody wants to hear this but, you really don't need much.  Learn to live frugally, and share what you have.  Find an inner experience that is more fulfilling than the exteriors in your life.  Minimize clutter.  Speak when your words are necessary.  Put your focus into the simple things in life, rather than complicating everything all the time.  Try sitting in silence every once in a while.  Do what you love and enjoy it, because you already have everything you need.

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"A sense of reverence includes the recognition that one is always in the presence of the sacred.  To live with reverence is to live without judgement, prejudice and the saturation of consumerism.  The consumerist heart becomes empty and lonesome because it has squandered reverence.  As a parent, child, lover, prayer or artist-a sense of reverence opens pathways of beauty to surprise us.  The earth is full of thresholds where beauty awaits the wonder of our gaze."

-John O'Donohue

12.  Walk with reverence.  Walk gently, with care.  Treat each living thing with respect and thankfulness, always remembering the sacred nature of your surroundings.  Let go of consumer obsession and remember that none of the objects that money can buy have any real value.  Make good use of this short time you have, to grow your own flourishing garden.  Take it upon yourself to make this planet healthier and lovelier when you leave than it was when you arrived.  Make your song a prayer, make your dance a celebration.  In all that you do, honor yourself.  In all that you do, open your face to God. "...seeing that as I went, I left my beatitude behind me,,." -Dante

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"Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know of avoiding the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked.  There is no reason not to follow your heart."

-Steve Jobs

13.  Do what you love, as often as possible.  There is no sense in following a path that you don't enjoy.  What do you love?  What inspires you each day?  Find out all the things that inspire you to get up in the morning, and do them.  Make time for your interests and hobbies, follow a line of work that makes you feel good and that you are good at.  Do all the things you love, as often as possible.  Steve Jobs says, "You are already naked."  David Deida says, "You are already dead."  Both are equally true.  Your time here is too short not to do what you love.

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"Rule of thumb:  The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more resistance we will feel toward pursuing it."

-Steven Pressfield

14.  Stop resisting and get to work.  You already know every single thing you've been resisting, because you probably get a stomach ache or want to push it out of your mind the moment you think of it.  Some things in life take a lot of effort from us, and we don't help ourselves at all by putting them off and then feeling bad about it.  It may feel good to put things off at first, but it will always be weighing on your conscience, affecting your mental, physical and psychological health.  Impress yourself with courage and open up Pandora's box.  Until you do the thing you most need to do, your life will be merely half lived-a daily act of avoidance.  Don't put it off til your death bed-get to work.

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"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

-E.E. Cummings

15.  Accept yourself just the way you are.  With all my talk about growth and evolution, now I have to tell you that accepting who you are right now, is the first step in that process, and a crucial part of spiritual work.  We must be kind to ourselves to experience real growth, because growth involves opening, and opening happens with acceptance.  The moments of revelation, of ecstasy, of pure purpose, are few and far between, and in between them we are faced with ourselves and our issues.  It is the same with everyone, and it always has been.  We are meant to have flaws, so that we can learn and grow.  We are taught to see ourselves in a funhouse mirror-where society, family, fear and delusion have shaped an image that is completely distorted from reality.  This is the human path-the path to the true self, and it's not an easy one.  We all need companionship because we can't do it alone, solitude in order to come home again...and little moments to wrap our arms around ourselves and say, "I'm here, and I love you."

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"Success is not final.  Failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts."

-Winston Churchill

16.  Cultivate resilience.  When life hits you hard you will fall, but it is down in the depths that we often find our saving grace.  But once you have found the beautiful comfort of having surrendered completely into grief, it is time to return home.  Keep your eyes ahead and your spirits light.  Let yourself go into the depths, and then pull yourself out again.  When we linger too long in despair, holding onto it and wearing it like a shroud, our hearts begin to close.  The longer we spend time in the dark, the more our hearts sink down into darkness.  Let life take you where it will, and always know that you were meant to be there, facing what you are facing.  Keep picking yourself up, keep looking up, keep breathing and laughing and crying and believing that you deserve joy.

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"It is a grand mistake to think of being great without goodness and I pronounce it as certain that there was never a truly great man that was not at the same time truly virtuous."

-Benjamin Franklin

17.  Be good.  Being a good person is not something to joke about or cast off with insults.  What have you got if you are not good?  If you say one thing and do another, then why do you even speak?  If your actions are destructive to your life, your relationships and the world, then why are you here?  If you believe in certain moral or religious guidelines, don't you think you should be following them?  To be good is to live in integrity, and the state of integrity is the place where your deepest self lies.  My favorite definition of integrity is from FreeDictionary.com:  "The quality or condition of being whole or undivided.  Completeness."  To live in integrity means to be complete within yourself.  You don't do it for anyone else-you do it because it brings you happiness, it's good for you, and it brings you closer to yourself.  You do it because it helps remove the trouble from your existence so that you can live with a sense of purpose.  As Epictetus once said, "Goodness isn't ostentatious piety or showy good manners.  It's a lifelong series of subtle readjustments of our character.  We fine-tune our thoughts, words and deeds in a progressively wholesome direction.  The virtue inheres in our intentions and our deeds, not in the results."

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"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

-Miguel Ruiz

18.  Don't take anything personally.  If you let other people's opinions and realities affect the way you feel about yourself, you will be like an untied sail, flapping in the winds of change.  When someone hands you a compliment, your ego will soar.  When someone else hands you an insult, you will feel crushed and depleted.  What others think of you has nothing at all to do with you, so just be who you are and let energies wash right over you.  Look at others with understanding and have compassion for the ignorance that blinds them.  

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"The body has often been a scapegoat for the deceptions and twists of the mind, but the body has a real primordial innocence about it and an incredible brightness and goodness."

-John O'Donohue

19.  Take care of your body.  Put some thought into what's entering your body and try to keep toxins at a minimum.  Eat in moderation, and eat actual whole foods.  Cut down chemicals, sugars, and all the undigestible waste items that are labeled as "food."  Get lots of sleep.  Drink lots of clean water.  Exercise, stretch, and find a good way to release stress.  Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, because this is the only body you're going to get.  

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"The mind that opens to a new idea never returns to its original size."

-Albert Einstein

20.  Admit that you know nothing.  There is no need to hold onto a false sense of security by living in rejection and ignorance.  Let go of the idea that your way is the right way, or your belief is the right belief.  As Robert Heinlein so cleverly stated, "One man's theology is another man's belly laugh" so try to keep your beliefs from becoming "knowledge" in your mind.  Believe what you want to believe, and stand up for what you feel, but in the end, it is only logical to admit that you know nothing.  Great scientific discoveries are found false, great religious leaders are found salacious, and all we humans really know is what we learn in our own experience.  Wouldn't it stand to reason then, that experiencing more and learning more is the path to "knowledge" and "righteousness?"  Never let go of your questioning mind.  Never give up your desire to learn.  There are lessons and awakenings in every corner of this world-clear your mind and seek them.

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"So join me on this journey we are already on.  We can help each other hold nothing back.  We can help each other live a sincere life.  We can help each other wear down what gets in the way, waking close to the bone.  
Come.  There are teachers everywhere:  in the stories around us, in the stories within us, in the life expression that sings where we are broken, in the kinship of gratitude that keeps remind us that we need each other as we become the earth."

-Mark Nepo

For this painting and others by R. Noelle, please visit www.RNoelle.com