Today I Heard the Wind

Writings from Santa Fe

Part One

by R. Noelle

Today I heard the wind

blowing across the land,

rustling nothing but itself.

I walked through lands 

swept away by flood.

Flattened trees and beach sand

everywhere in the forest.

I climbed into cliffs

sitting in ancient dwellings

like a child, pretending

I was safe in my home.

The calls of goats today

made me shutter,

Their indecent rattling 

turning my insides.

The peacocks slept in their trees.

Small yellow snakes

hopped across pebbles.

A bug fell into my shirt,

never to be found again.

Today I touched the soft 

cheeks of my children.

I searched for the in-between

of guidance and acceptance.

Like every mother who has walked this land,

I am empowered by my purpose.

With every dead and living thing I see,

I am reminded that everything I know

is only a season.

But in my own experience,

in my own short life,

I feel the bloom and fade of the flower

and the rushing power of the wind.

Today as I stand on the

sacred ground of ancient life,

I drop to my knees in gratitude

for this strong heart

for this fragile life.

For more poetry and paintings, please visit www.RNoelle.com

Protecting Our Children From Suffering

"Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground."

-Oscar Wilde

     The other night I had a dream that I was parked on a city street, helping my three daughters into the car.  As we walked around the car, opening doors, I looked up and saw that there was a young man on top of the skyscraper above us, about to jump off.  I saw fear in my children's eyes, so I tried to rush them into the car...but I was too late.  The man jumped, and within seconds we heard a horrible groan, a gruesome splat, and I turned around to see his body, exploded into pieces, covering the sidewalk.  His bottom half had separated from his top half, his guts had been strewn around him, and his skin lay there limp and empty like a broken balloon.  I turned around again to see my beautiful daughters standing there staring, their faces frozen in shock.  I stared into their faces, knowing that I could never take away what they had just witnessed.  There was nothing I could do to protect them from experience.  I once again began to rush them into the car, so that we could leave this horrible sight...but I knew that it would be with them forever.

     More and more, when faced with the sufferings of others, I find myself speechless.  My own child, who is weeping because her first boyfriend broke up with her, a four year old who weeps because she knows her mom will hit her when they get home, a woman who was repeatedly raped by her uncle as a young child, a man coming out of many years in prison, who is terrified that there is no place for him in the world.  I open my ears and my heart, and let them in-I nod and listen and hold and hug, I do what I can to facilitate healing, but I am often left speechless.  Yes, I can offer advice and inspiration, yes I can relate to each one of them with my own stories of suffering, but there comes a point in witnessing where the only thing you can offer is love.  

    While holding a weeping child, while taking in the pain of others that I cannot take away, I want to weep as well.  I want to protect each person from heartbreak, holding them in a cocoon of comfort, bringing them up from the depths.  I want to get angry and find retribution for their broken hearts.  I want to make things better.  But that is exactly what I cannot do.  I cannot go to the depths with any of these people, and there is nothing I can say that will take away the pain.  I do what I can as an advocate, and then I step back into the role of mother.   If nothing else, I can listen to them and love them.  I look into their eyes and acknowledge their pain, with compassion.   This is possibly the most difficult part of being a parent.  To hold, to listen and to love, without expectation or need for control.  To witness our children experiencing life, without the need to protect them from it.

     Yes, we protect our children from violent images and language.  Yes, we protect them from the influence of our own cruelty and sickness.  We protect them from damage in the home, the family and in relationship, in the hopes that they will grow up with peaceful hearts.  Limiting what our children are exposed to in our own homes is an important part of keeping them safe and bringing them up right, but we must do this with knowledge that in the blink of an eye, they will be responsible adults, living in a world full of experience.  Allowing them to embrace the light and the darkness of life is not the same as teaching them that violence is ok.

     The instinctual reaction I felt in my dream, to shield my children from experience, is a natural one.  It is natural for humans to want to cushion themselves, and especially their children, from the pain of breaking, and the mystery of truth.  But without that pain, without that breaking, without the transformative experiences that the world has to offer us, how far into our own depths will we be able to go?  If we turn our personal suffering into blame, how will we know what to claim as our own?  If we deny discomforts instead of digesting them, then how will we last when we are truly tormented?  Pain is one of the many experiences that reminds us that we are in fact alive.  Pain is the feeling that often moves us into places we never would have gone, filling us with holes that we can then fill with gold.  As in the ancient art philosophy of Wabi-sabi, we take what is damaged or imperfect and make it extraordinarily beautiful.  Pain, if viewed as essential, is just another wave in the ocean that will soften us, sculpt us and bring us into a fuller self.  Pain is not the end of all things, nor the beginning of forever.  It is simply the journey into the belly of the whale, where we search for treasures that will help us continue on.  

     Beyond protecting others from injustice, it is not our role in life to change suffering.  If we try, we will make ourselves crazy, and we will teach those we love that feeling hurt, getting our hearts broken, and living the human experience are unnecessary and bad.  But if we bear witness to their suffering, holding them as they weep, loving them as they scream and giving them the fullness of our attention, we can help them understand that they are not alone.  We cannot take away or change the trials of the human journey, but we can help each other endure inevitable cracks in the flow of life and heart, just by saying, "I am here.  I hear you.  You will find a way out of this, and it will be beautiful."

"To drink of life is to drink of the miracle

and of the things that break."

-Mark Nepo

www.RNoelle.com

    

Demons, Patterns and Change

     "The inward battle-against our mind, our wounds, and the residues of the past-is more terrible than the outward battle."

-Swami Sivananda

     There is a part of me that I don't know what to do with.  It's ugly, mean, closed down and scared-like a shadow on my shoulder when I've been triggered.  Like a demon, whispering in my ear.  It thinks horrible thoughts and says terrible things.  It makes the nice side of me cower and run.  It hates people and situations, events and even life with a vengeance, and it wants to make everyone around me miserable.  When it's not rearing its ugly head, I think maybe it's gone away, and I live happily, like it never existed.  If I could, I would avoid all situations that bring this part of me to life.  After all, the history of my life is made up of running from pain, so why not?  But that's not an option anymore, because what triggers me most is partnership.  It is not an option for me to run anymore, to blame others anymore and to shut others out.  It's not an option to be hurtful and destructive, to be pushed and prodded by anger and fear.  I find myself in a panic, wedged between the need for intimacy and growth and the dread of what it means to open up and to let someone in.  Relationship, intimacy and trust, three of the most beautiful things in the world are what bring out the worst of the worst in me.

     There are moments when my life flashes before me and I can see every pattern I have repeated.  In those moments, I can also see that it is deeply ingrained in me to repeat that pattern again.  Everything inside me, especially the demon on my shoulder, is telling me that repeating the pattern would be better and more comfortable, because that's all I know.  There are moments when my life, my parent's lives, my grandparent's lives, and the lives of all my ancestors seem to taunt me into believing that these aspects of myself are too deep to change.  My mind becomes jumbled in questions, scanning my past, scanning myself, looking for answers.  Was I born this way?  Was it my family?  Was it my decisions?  Was it my partners?  In truth, all of these things make up who I am, and so all of these things have brought me to this moment of questioning.  But if I had one person or one event to blame my problems on, would that make a difference?  No.  I would still be here-faced with the demon inside, and faced with the desperation for something different.  Whatever the reason for my anger and fear, whoever was a part of instilling it in my psyche, it is my responsibility to move beyond it.  It is my duty to change.

     Even after years of examining this side of myself, I am living in limbo.  One insight at a time, I gain understanding.  One day at a time I see more clearly what my patterns are.  Layer by layer I move through what's holding me back and making me unhappy.  I let go, I pray, I exercise, I meditate.  I talk to friends, I ask advice.  I talk to therapists and I talk to my husband.  I am realizing that hiding my demons never makes them shrink or disappear.  Although exposing the ugly side of myself is the last thing in the world I want to do, I know that I need to talk about it to get it out.  If I don't talk about the way my demons are making me feel, then they will live and breed in my heart, talking about all the ways in which they will burst out some day.  In the holding in and the stuffing of resentment, in the denial of seemingly silly fears, in the pushing away of closeness and love, I only ever made myself less of a person.

     So I start with a commitment not to bottle things up.  My demons don't like this-they want to stay inside my heart and my head, running my life.  I take a deep breath and consciously relax, consciously accept life just the way it is...and then I hear a nagging voice say, "Stay tense.  Stay on guard.  Anger is necessary.  Fear is protecting you.  Never trust anyone."  Sometimes I listen to that voice and hold on to unhappiness.  Sometimes I don't.  It is always my choice.  Every day when I wake up, I choose to continue seeking the peace that I have not yet found, and moment by moment I make decisions that may not be easy, but that I know are better for me and for my family.  The paradox is that all the while, as I live on the faith that one day things will change, things are already changing.  Maybe I will be angry and sad forever, maybe I will be triggered at every level of intimacy that I hit-there is no way for me to know.  I am moving blindly forward, out of pattern, out of comfort.  I have ceased asking "why do I have these problems?" and turned my focus instead to making better decisions in tough moments, having intentions for a better life and envisioning the kind of person I would like to be.

     Our fears may differ, but our lashing out is the same.  Like wild animals, we hiss or hide, run or fight, pretending that we can control our fears by controlling our environment.  Our anger may be triggered by different circumstances, but its affect is the same.  Whether it happens in a lifetime or in a day, a closed heart will either implode or explode when the demons surface, causing destruction within and without.  Something, at some point will push each of us against a wall and give us an option to change.  Every one of us is faced with moments that make us look within and ask, 'Is the pain of repetition finally worse than the pain of growth?"

"Suffering makes an instrument of each of us,

so that standing naked, holes and all, 

the unseen vitalities can be heard

through our simplified lives."

-Mark Nepo

www.RNoelle.com

A Modern Day Rite of Passage

"How shall I begin my song

In the blue night that is settling?

In the great night my heart will go out,

Toward me the darkness comes rattling.

In the great night my heart will go out."

-Papago Medicine Woman Chant

     When I was 19, I gave birth to my first child, and the process of that labor and birth was my own personal initiation into womanhood.  The pain brought me to a place I had never been, and I came away feeling as if I could do anything.  I remember telling someone, "I could get stabbed to death in a dark alley, and it wouldn't compare to what I just went through."  Many say that tribal initiations are designed to match the intensity of what a woman experiences in childbirth. They believe that a person must go into the depths if they are to transition into a better, stronger, more understanding person.  When you go into the depth of labor, it is actually called "transition."  In this moment, you believe you cannot handle another moment of life and pain, and you begin to lose your calm and your self control.  During transition, even the strongest and sweetest of women kick and scream, worry and weep.  To the woman in labor, transition feels like the end, but the midwife knows that transition is a wonderful sign that birth is near.  To a child who is moving into adulthood, the changes can be painful and scary, but adults who have come out the other end know that a powerful soul is being born.

     Giving birth (naturally) is like being on a fast track initiation process.  All that you have known as a child ends, and nobody can stop what is happening to you.  You are flung into space and pain and you are alone there.  It is a spiritual experience.  This is exactly the feeling that rites of passage ceremonies throughout history have tried to convey to their young.  In many cultures, girls are ignored in the initiation process, simply because menstruation and childbirth are considered to be enough of a rite of passage.  But rites of passage are not just about enduring pain-they are also about being welcomed into adulthood by your tribe.  They are about vowing publicly to your community that you have good intentions for your life.  In some cultures, girls and boys alike are initiated in lengthy, painful, and even gruesome ways in order to awaken them to adulthood.  The ceremonies were developed by their tribal elders generations ago, and everyone involved in the process knows exactly what's expected of them.  Some ceremonies last for days and involve feasts, community gatherings, dancing, singing, prayer, and tests of strength and character.  These rituals are designed to challenge the child, to mark a transformational moment in time, and to welcome a new, more evolved being into the family and the community.  As scholar Michael Meade once said (and I think this applies to girls as well), "In many tribal cultures, it was said that if the boys were not initiated into manhood, if they were not shaped by the skills and love of elders, then they would destroy the culture.  If the fires that innately burn inside youths are not intentionally and lovingly added to the health of the community, they will burn down the structures of culture, just to feel the warmth."

     Thirteen  years after that first birth experience, I looked at my daughter Madeline and realized that she too had become a woman.  I felt a growing responsibility to do something, to teach her something, to help her realize the weight of womanhood, but our discussions about love and sex often fell flat.  I knew that I needed to find a way for the women in her life to open pathways to guidance, so that she would always have someone to talk to.  I knew that although Madeline was only thirteen, she was also technically old enough to be a mother, and she needed to be taught and honored as a woman.  I knew that she needed to stand in front of her family and make vows to uphold her character.  But coming from a primarily Christian Science background, I knew nothing of rites of passage until I began my own research.  Sure, I knew about Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and baptisms, and even a bit about Native American practices, but you don't just become a Jew, or join an Apache tribe.  So with my foundation in Buddhism and Christianity, with my knowledge of the Hindu, Catholic and Jewish faiths, and my great love for pagan and Native American culture, without generations of ancestors to guide the way, I developed my own rite of passage ceremony, to welcome my daughter into womanhood.  

     We invited thirty women in Madeline's life who are close knit with our family, and who are role models for her, ensuring that she was the youngest person there.  The only warm, pretty and affordable space I could find to rent was the common room of our apartment building, but we brought in everything we needed to convert it into a sacred space.

     We began with a few creative group projects, which gave our guests an opportunity to bond while creating meaningful gifts for Madeline.  As a group, we made her a one of a kind headdress, a mandala, and a book full of blessings, advice and artwork.  During this time, Madeline made a special head wreath for each of us.

     

     An important aspect of Madeline's initiation was in taking responsibility for her own part of the ceremony.  Once the projects were finished and we were gathered around her, she began by thanking everyone for being there, and by reading a short essay she wrote about what kind of woman she wants to be.  She then vowed to uphold the Buddhist Eightfold Path.

 "I vow as a young woman and community leader, to follow the Eightfold Path:

Right view:  I vow to see through the eyes of understanding and compassion.

Right thought:  I vow to think clear and kind thoughts.

Right speech:  I vow to think before I speak, and to be truthful, gentle, and fearless with my words.

Right conduct:  I vow to match my actions with  my words.  I will not bring harm to myself or to others, and I will make decisions based on the welfare of all living beings.

Right livelihood:  I vow to choose a job that will not harm others.  I will seek happiness by creating happiness.

Right effort:  I vow to always do my best.  I will expand my spirit, share my gifts with the world, and I will not waste time in negative pursuits.

Right mindfulness:  I will be mindful of my thoughts, words and deeds.  I will mindfully care for my body.  

Right concentration:  I will spend my time focusing on what brings strength and beauty to myself and to all living beings."

     In lieu of an overnight fire dance, I then took over and led Madeline through a candle ceremony and meditation.  I placed three candles in front of her, two small and one large.  The first candle was lit, representing her infancy and childhood.  She meditated for a good time on the flame of this candle, and on the gifts and wisdom that those years have given her.  The second candle was lit, representing her life as a woman, and she meditated on the freedom, the responsibility and her life intentions.  The third candle, the large one, was lit, representing her eternal self-the part of her that was here before her birth, and that will live on after her death.  She meditated on this flame, listening to what God and her ancestors might say to her.  

     We provided many drums and percussion instruments at this gathering, and so during and after Madeline's meditation rituals, we sat around her drumming softly.  In truth, this put not just her, but all of us into a trance.  Once the drumming died down, I presented her with the beautiful headdress and gave her a spirit name, which I chose based on her personality and passions.  I borrowed the Hindu rite of passage tradition and made markings on her face, representing "Gayarti", the mind, "Saraswati", the word and "Savitri", the deed, to further impress upon her the importance of aligning the three.  After that, we went around the circle as each woman read.  We read everything from Biblical quotes to John O'Donohue, from Rilke to Rumi to Native American Prayers.

     I closed the ceremony with this ancient blessing, which was so beautifully worded by the Sikh yogi, Gurmukh:

     "May you live in great health, happiness, wholeness.  May you come to know your Sat Nam-your truth, your true identity, and find a peace within yourself.  May the long-time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and may the pure light within you guide your way on."

     At that point, we amped up the drums and Madeline led us in her first dance of womanhood.  She then brought the evening to a close with this Native American Prayer:

"Oh, Great Spirit,

whose voice I hear in the winds

and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me.

I am small and weak.

I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes

ever behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made 

and my ears sharp to hear your voice.

Make me wise so that I may understand

the things you have taught my people.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden 

in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be superior to my sister,

but to fight my greatest enemy-myself.

Make me always ready to come to you 

with clean hands and straight eyes,

so when life fades, as the fading sunset,

my spirit will come to you

without shame."

     As I was thinking, researching, gathering and planning for this important event, there were many, many times where I wondered if my guests would laugh, or leave thinking that I was insane.  I wanted to rely on my elders and my culture to put me in my place, to tell me what to do, but in the end, I had to create for myself what I did not already have.  In the end, every person there said that she wished someone had done something like this for her.  In the end I realized how important it is to acknowledge our young and to bring them formally into adulthood with a sense of compassion, community, acceptance and expectation.  Not an expectation that they will be perfect, but that they will always do their best to be kind to themselves and others, to make good choices, and to consciously cultivate their characters.  

    Madeline had a wonderful time, and was lit the entire evening and for days afterward with an ecstatic glow.  Of course, she still acts like a teenager, but the ceremony changed her.  It made her more confident, more open and more loving.  It gave her a safety in communicating with adults and close family members that she hadn't had before.  It gave her a sense of where she is coming from, an idea about where she is going, and the foundation of a supportive community behind her.   Without painful initiations or childbirth, she was able to experience a new sense of honor and responsibility within herself, a heightened sense of inner strength.

    In the end, I saw clearly that even though I am not a trained minister or priest, an elder or a scholar, I still have a right and a great duty to facilitate spiritual celebrations in my family and community.  Stepping up and becoming the spiritual leader that I had been seeking turned out to be yet another step in my own initiation as well.  In wanting more for my daughter, I found more for all of us, and in forging on through the darkness and fear of uncertainty in our modern and moderately culture-less American world, I found out how close we all are to profound spiritual transformation.  It is our duty to preserve each culture that we grow and learn from, but it is also our duty to create beautiful new things.  We are here to evolve through the generations, to learn from our parents and our past, and to move on from there.  We take the good and the strong with us, and it sustains us when we're lost.  We forge forward, toward the light, so that our children can have a better life than we did.  We must love, support and accept our children, teaching them by example.  We must bring them into adulthood with inspired eyes, a loving heart and a good head on their shoulders.  We must acknowledge their transformations.  We must teach them to communicate, to reach out and above all, we must show them that they are loved.  Everyone needs it and everyone deserves it.  This is how we evolve.

"I live my life in growing orbits

which move out over the things of the world.

Perhaps I can never achieve the last,

but that will be my attempt.

I am circling around God, around the ancient tower,

and I have been circling for a thousand years,

and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm,

or a great song."

-Ranier Maria Rilke

      

www.RNoelle.com

     

     

     

     

How to Recover from Being a Cheater

    "I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true.  I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have."

-Abraham Lincoln

      Cheating isn't something you can clearly define, because every relationship has its own set of boundaries.  From fundamentalist religious beliefs to polyamory communities, the rules and guidelines that we give ourselves and our partners reflect what makes us comfortable.  So why then, if we have the freedom to choose what kind of relationship we want to be in, are there so many people lying and cheating on their partners?  Why do so many people live double lives, pretending to be something that they're not?


      I have some friends who were cheated on, and who went on to being very trusting people anyway.  I have friends who have never trusted anyone.  For many years I was so ashamed of my insecurities and fears that I couldn't talk to anyone about them, not even my therapists.  ,For many years I believed that to just be a part of me.  "I'm just not a trusting person," I would say, and leave it at that.  But I don't want to believe that it's part of my genetics, or part of my character.  I don't want to believe that I will never trust.  I want it so, so badly, and yet, I am sometimes not quite sure how to find it.


     I remember the first time I was cheated on, by my 6th grade boyfriend and my "best friend."  I missed one day of school because I was sick, and they kissed each other in front of everyone.  In the end, neither of them turned out to be decent people, but at the time, I was devastated.  Why would a girl do that to her best friend?  Why would a boy do that to his girlfriend?


     The second time someone cheated on me was in high school.  In 9th grade, I fell in love with the bad boy at school.  He skipped class to smoke and drink, he treated me like crap, he was a "real artist" and I loved him.  He could do no wrong.  He would rip off other people's artwork and claim it as his own brilliant idea.  He would steal song lyrics and poetry and put them in his writings.  He was so threatened by my talent in dance that he actually waited all evening in the car once because he didn't want to come inside and see my show.  Sad, huh?  So this guy who I loved so much cheated on me after about 6 months, and I was devastated.  Two years later, we got back together and a year later, he did it again, with the same girl.  Not only had he cheated on me twice, but he had been deceiving me in the most unbelievable ways for months, while looking in my eyes and telling me that he loved me.  He bought me a promise ring, which I considered an engagement ring.  We talked about marriage.  Turns out he had bought that very same ring for the other girl too, and the only reason he bought it for me was so that he could look at my hand and pretend that it was hers.  One day he was saying he loved me, and the next he was dumping me and destroying every picture he had every taken of me.  Again, I was devastated, and I had no idea why someone would want to hurt me in this way.  I had no idea why he had felt the need to lie to me and tell me that he loved me.


     Well, in the end, it turns out that those two had not been able to stay away from each other since elementary school, and they are now married with tons of kids.  I was just a speed bump on their road to marital success, which I thank God for now, but here's the problem...the second time I put my trust in him was the last time I was able to put my trust in anyone.  After the fateful night when I called the other girl up and she told me about his letters and phone calls, about the ring and about all his lies, after I threw his ring in his face and drove away, I was met with the realization that you cannot tell if someone is lying to you, and therefor you can't trust anyone.


     I dated like a crazy person after that, and was married and pregnant within a year.  I was desperate for some sense stability, desperate to feel worthy and loved.  I chose the most normal, transparent person I could find and settled down, thinking all my troubles were over.  Yup...I don't think so.  Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and marriage threw me for a loop, and no matter how hard I tried to be normal, things just got more and more difficult.  Every problem, every hurt that I had held in from my past relationships and my present marriage was bubbling up.  Every time that pain began to bubble up, I began to push it down.  I was so angry-so angry at everyone who had ever hurt me, so angry at my husband for being so clueless, so angry at myself for not being able to say what I needed.


     During pregnancy and as a new mom, I became isolated in my home, my husband working and commuting long hours.  I sat around, taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, trying to lose the pregnancy weight.  I began obsessing over where he was, and who he was with.  I began wondering if he was leading a double life, if he really was who he said he was.  I held in all my worries and fears, ashamed of even mentioning them.  I began to assume that all of my greatest fears were true, and resenting him for things he had probably never done.  Eventually, after feeling all of these terrible things, and never talking about them, after building up resentments and closing down my heart, a man came into my life who offered me the perfect chance to cheat.  And I did.  After knowing exactly what it feels like to be horribly betrayed, after having been faithful to my partners all my life, the tables turned and I became a cheater.


     It started with one serious affair, which lasted an entire year.  I knew every day of my life that I had become one of those "double life" people, one of those people I had never understood.  I had allowed myself to fall in love this this other person, and so my inability to choose became enough of a justification in my mind to just continue on.  I became unnervingly good at lying, even while looking into the eyes of someone I loved.  Of course it ended in explosion, it always does.  But after that there were more.  Eventually I fell in love with one of my affairs, and left my husband.  I got married a second time, and did the same thing again.  I held everything in, building up resentments and fears, until my heart was desperate for love.  At that point in the cycle, once again, I had closed my heart too much to allow my husband in.  I bounced around for a while once more, and then fell in love again.  Left my husband and got married again, and here I am.


     I think it's probably safe to say that anyone who betrays you has been betrayed themselves.  It begins with heartbreak that you don't recover from, and it grows.  The more you let it eat at you, the more vindictive you begin to feel-towards yourself, your partner, and to everyone.  When we lie to ourselves and justify bad behavior, we cannot help but lose more of our self worth every day.  When you have lost your self worth, you have also lost any sense of value you may have had regarding your relationships and any vows you may have uttered in the past.  The human mind is brilliant at stuffing things it doesn't want to think about, and it's amazing how easy it is to forget important things when you are lost in the moment.  But the human soul is another story.  With all my brilliant lying, with all my carefully detailed finagling, I had never been so miserable.  I hated myself when I was a liar and a cheater more than I had ever hated anyone else.  And the more I proved to myself that I was untrustworthy, the more I knew I could never trust anyone else.


     The opportunity to cheat kind of sneaks up on you.  Things aren't going so well in your relationship, somebody cute comes along in some facet of your life, and suddenly you are locking eyes for far too long, having lengthy conversations about personal issues, hugging, brushing hands...  The hugs get longer, and you start texting.  You allow yourself to fantasize about that person, and you know that he/she is doing the same.  Look how far down the rabbit hole you have gone already, and it started with just two people looking at each other.  But I have chosen a committed relationship, and a life of trust, so that no longer works for me.  These seemingly innocent interactions with people who try to attract us are the very thing that keeps us from truly committing to the one we have vowed to love.


 Like I said before, every relationship is different, but even polyamory groups have rules.  It really helps to be clear on exactly what you expect from your partner, from the very beginning.  If you can't handle the ex girlfriends hanging around, say it.  If you like having more than one woman, say it.  Don't pretend to be one thing just to win someone over, and then stuff the rest of you beneath the skin.  It's all going to come out eventually.  Whatever it is you want in a relationship, just be honest about it in the beginning, and if things change, be honest about that.  We have so many expectations put upon us by society and religion, which works just fine for many people, but when it's not working, don't be afraid to speak up.  If you are about to break a set of vows, or even a promise to someone, stop and think, "

"Do I want to...
A.  Do what it takes to work on this relationship
B.  Negate the vows and move on
C.  Lie and cheat so that I can pretend that everything is ok and still get what I want?"

     Whatever the rules are in your life relationships, you were the one who agreed to them in the first place, so treat them honorably.  It's better to stand up and speak than to cause infinite destruction with your fear and carelessness.


     Boundaries:  something I've had to learn a lot about.  There are lots of small boundaries to cross, such as staring, flaunting, texting, emailing and physical touch boundaries, and these are the little things that lead to BIG things.  A huge boundary that I see a lot of people crossing is... inappropriate conversation topic.  We don't share the details of our marriage with anyone, unless that person has the well being of said marriage in their best interest.  We don't talk about important personal relationship issues with anyone who might be perceived as a threat.  Honestly, it's none of their business.  There are many people out there who have no problem crossing boundaries, and so you have to set your own and stick to them.


     People cross a lot of boundaries with body language.  They hold on too long, they squeeze too tight, they flaunt around to get your attention.  Sometimes this is appropriate, sometimes it's not.  Go with your gut, and be careful trusting people who come on strong.  They have nothing invested in your vows or your relationships, so what do they care?  They will happily destroy your entire life, and walk away unharmed.  Is it really worth it to succumb to such behavior?  I find it's best to just look into people's eyes and see that they are human.  I find it's best to just concentrate on your health instead of worrying how sexy your body is.  Save your flirting and your fantasies for your partner, and things will just keep getting hotter.   If your body language is sending out sex signals, or if you are attracted to that in someone else, just remember what your boundaries are, and focus on the person you are committed to.  Be a friend, a sister, a brother, a teacher to others, but never a boundary-less whore.  You are too good for that!

You may not think that a cheater can change, and you may not believe you can trust again, but I am here to tell you that anything is possible.  With a partner who values you, a strong sense of your own boundaries and a lot of hope, trust and honor can be gained little by little.  Moment by moment, with the decisions that we make, our self worth can be recovered.  Even the most frightened of us can begin to feel the cracks in our hearts loosening and opening.  Even the most resentful of us can be shown how to love if we are willing to let ourselves be seen.  There is no reason to lack integrity, because it is in our true nature.  Integrity itself means "complete," and we are indeed complete, and much happier within it.

    I never would have believed this, but I am beginning to trust.  In setting boundaries for myself, I have defined myself as someone who has worth.  My third husband is my coach in this journey, which is an admirable position, considering he gets the brunt of my emotion.  He listens to me, he encourages me to speak.  He tells me that he loves me no matter what I do, and so he completely owns my heart.  He holds his arms open to me even when I feel like packing, because he completely trusts me.  Feeling his trust in me is a huge part of my healing.  Every day, when I am faced with small choices like, "Should I check his email?" or "Should I walk away, take a deep breath and let it go?", I try to choose the one that I know is moving me in the right direction.

     When I have to talk about something, I do it.  Sometimes it takes me a while, but I get it out.  Moment by moment, day by day, I make conscious decisions to communicate, to open my heart even when it's fucking scary, and to never hold on to grudges.  If I'm scared about a circumstance, or a specific person, I do everything I can to get up the nerve and just ask.  I never regret asking, because each time we have a conversation, another burden is lifted.  I choose integrity consciously until it begins to feel natural.  I choose to be honest with myself.  I have chosen trust, in myself and in my husband, and slowly, with time, it is trickling in.

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

-William Shakespeare

www.RNoelle.com

   


   

 

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

10 Lies We Tell Ourselves

1.  "That person is better than me."

     Sometimes I marvel at how much time I've wasted on jealousy and insecurity.  Wanting to be prettier, wanting a better body, wanting more money, wanting fame, wanting so many things that seem to make other people happy.  Many of us spend our entire lives wishing we were someone else, while the real us is under there going, "Hey-I'm pretty amazing too, if you'd just give me a chance to grow!"  It doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside, how smart or strong or talented they are, how much they know, or how many possessions they own.  What matters is the thing that we each came to this earth with, and the thing that we will be taking with us when we die.  What matters is our spirit.  If you take everything else away, and see everything and everyone as spirit, you begin to realize that nobody could possibly be any better than anyone else.  The best people in the history of humanity have been the people who became the best versions of themselves, and who lived purely through their spirits.  It is not my job to criticize everything about myself from birth until death.  It is my job to become myself, without any comparison to anyone else.

     As Epictetus said in The Art of Living, "How easily dazzled and deceived we are by eloquence, job title, degrees, high honors, fancy possessions, expensive clothing, or a suave demeanor.  Don't make the mistake of assuming that celebrities, public figures, political leaders, the wealthy, or people with great intellectual or artistic gifts are necessarily happy.  To do so is to be bewildered by appearances and will only make you doubt yourself.  Remember:  The real essence of good is found only within things under your own control.  If you keep this in mind, you won't find yourself feeling falsely envious or forlorn, pitifully comparing yourself and your accomplishments to others.  Stop aspiring to be anyone other than your own best self:  for that does fall within your control."

2.  I am better than that person.

     As we go around comparing ourselves to everyone else, we feel envious of those who we feel are "better," than us, but at the same time, we have the audacity to believe that some people are "not as good" as us.  Think about it-who do you look down upon?  Who do you consider to be stupid, ugly, gross, annoying, mean, insane, pathetic or worthless?  Drug addicts?  Prostitutes?  Murderers?  Beggars?  A co-worker or family member?  Is there a whole group of people who you despise?  A different political party than your own?  People of another religion?  Another race?  Another sex?  If we are honest with ourselves, most of us can probably fill a page with people who we have looked down upon at one time or another.  

  

     Many people are lost, yes.  There are countless humans committing countless atrocities, as there have been since the beginning of time.  There are a billion different beliefs, a billion different view points.  We cannot control what others will do with their lives, or the paths that they decide to take.  To see someone as worthless is to suffer from your own lack of vision and understanding.  To look down on anyone is to lose reverence for all of life, including your own.  The moment you close your heart and feel arrogance instead of compassion, pride instead of mercy, and vanity instead of humanity, is the moment when your own evolution, and the evolution of the human race comes to a screeching halt.  Reverend Jesse Jackson put it so well when he said, "Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up."

3.  I am my mind.

     You know all those thoughts you have circling around your brain all the time?  You know how those voices in your head love to bother you constantly?  Do you believe that this conflicting, pestering worrying, obsessing parade of thoughts and emotions is you?   No one knows why, but this is the way our brains work-through thinking, talking and bickering, through selectively focusing and obsessing, through multiple channels of thought consciousness, all the time.  Our mind can be a beautiful thing, full of creativity, knowledge and focus...but it can also be the death of us.  Think about how many people throughout history have wallowed in their anger and depression, who have allowed themselves to go mad over one event or one person, who have slipped off into another realm, completely within their own minds.  

     This steady stream of thoughts, both the good ones and the bad ones, is one of the most difficult parts of being human.  This is why we meditate, and why some can spend an entire lifetime just learning how to still the mind and release the ego.  You get used to the sound of our own voice in your head, and many of us believe that that is who we are.  However, if that constant speaking voice in your head is you, then who is the one listening?  You are not the thoughts-you are the one who is hearing them.  Dig a little deeper, below your brain and your mouth.  Dig down into your heart and your stomach, and there you will find the pureness of who you really are.

4.  I am my body.

    The beauty industry loves to take advantage of this belief.  The amount of time and money that is spent on outer appearances is horrifying, because countless people look at themselves in the mirror and believe that that is who they are.  Rather than listening to a woman and hearing her speak from her heart, we look at her breasts, her butt, her lips, her eyelashes, comparing her to our own idea of "perfection."  Rather than respect a man for his nobility and character, we appraise his body like a piece of meat and scrutinize his face with a keen eye.  No one is immune from physical judgment-it is a part of life.  But we all know that the real person is hiding just below the surface.  We all come to know, little by little, that appearances are only an insignificant part of our vast experience, and a minuscule bit of who we actually are.

     Of course we all need to eat well and exercise...but the depth of our loveliness does not come from outside perfection-it comes from the soul within.  Beautiful young people will either die or wither, and we all end up merging into the Earth in the end.  Whatever body you are given, treat it kindly so that it may take you painlessly through life.  Whatever face you are given, light it from within with a smile.  Make eating, exercising, and all of life a part of your spiritual practice, and you will find that your body is merely an extension of the light you hold within.  Your body is your host for this lifetime, and nothing more.  You are bigger than anything that happens to your body.

5.  There are lots of things I need in order to be happy.

     Beyond basic survival, the only thing any of us really needs to be happy, is the right mindset.  Once we realize that we cannot control events, circumstances and other people, then we can just relax into being happy for whatever comes.  We need only to make the decision to be happy, no matter what the circumstances, and we have saved ourselves from a life of conditional happiness.  You don't need that one house, or that one car, that one partner, that one job, that one hairdo, or that one opportunity to be happy.  In fact, there is very, very little that you do need.  If you make the decision to be happy anyway, you will open yourself up to endless opportunity, and in the meantime you will lead a fulfilling life.

     As Michael A. Singer so clearly stated in Untethered Soul, "Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything.  You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life?  The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're doing with the rest of your life is already defined-you're letting go of yourself so that you can remain happy."

6.  I have all the time in the world.

     Everyone says that the older you get, the faster time flies.  As each year moves on in the blink of an eye, you begin to realize that you'd better get going on the things you really want to do.  Think about it:  even if you live to be 100, how much time do you have left to fulfill your legacy?  What do you want to have done with your life?  

     Let me take that to another level and remind you that today could be your very last day here on this earth, living breathing, talking, blinking.  Many, many, many people die each day, and it's only a matter of time before you are one of them, before I am one of them, before each person that we love and hate is one of them.  Liz Gilbert once said, "Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."  I feel the same way about living out our unique destinies.  Each and every day that we have here on this earth is a gift, and an opportunity to do the very best that we can.  We must go after our lives and live out our legacies, because today could be our only chance.

7.  That's just the way I am, and I can't change.

     Change is funny.  When you see something within you that you no longer want to live with, when the light momentarily shines on a deep chasm within you that you have been carrying around and trying to forget about, that is only the beginning.  When an alcoholic decides to get sober, when an addict goes through rehab, when a wife decides to trust her husband, when a child decides to be different from his parents, this is only the beginning. Changes can be journeys, and can take lifetimes.   Many people are not interested in change, because it takes vision and strength of heroic proportion.  Change comes to those who are strong enough to stand up and say, "I don't know what I am growing into, but I have a vision."

     Even if their choices are destroying their lives, people can be solidly resistant to change.  I have heard people say things like, "I will always be fucked up," and "I never do anything right." The beginning of change happens with this person refuses to speak these words, and begins replacing them with something productive.  The thoughts and words are replaced, day by day, and the mindset begins to change.  This person's heart begins to open more gradually, and more of the world begins to spill in.  The change that happens when we begin to exercise our will and our vision is the beginning of a new life.  Anyone can do it, at any time.  The trick is to keep at it, and to be patient.

8.  The world is out to get me.

     Since ancient times, many humans have believed this-whether it is the gods, or God, the devil or the Universe, humanity, or luck, we have always tried to blame our shortcomings on others, and our unhappiness on circumstance.  The fact is, events happen as they do, and people act they way they want to-it has nothing to do with you.  None of us knows what will happen from one moment to the next, and every single person who lives experiences both good and bad events, and a constant array of intense emotion.  We all feel trauma, we all feel anger, and we are put here on this planet to enjoy it anyway.   Life will hurt us, inevitably.  People will hurt us, sometimes intentionally.  It is a waste of time to take these things personally and to think that our own light is diminished by any of it. 

      If we can focus on the blessings in our lives, we will begin to see that rather than a bucketful of misfortune and doom, life is really an ocean of conflicting energies.  Between our mindset and our decisions, we have the power to catch the positive waves, and ride them through any circumstance.  Sometimes we may fall and feel the pull of darkness under us, but it is always within our will to get back up and ride another wave.

9.  Pain is bad.

     Some are afraid of emotional pain, some are afraid of physical pain.  Some are so afraid to feel anything at all that they numb everything all the time and create buffers of comfort between themselves and the world.  What they don't realize is that, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you cannot escape pain.  As the First Noble Truth states in the Buddhist tradition, "Life is suffering."  Of course life is suffering!  Do you think that growth, change, love, death, and any of the moments we experience can happen without pain?  Even the moments we love cause us pain, because we cannot experience them forever.  So many times our hearts break open, and it hurts.  So many beautiful times are locked forever only in our memories, and it hurts.  It hurts because of all the things we want.  We want happiness to last, and suffering to go away.  We want more stuff that will make us happy, or we want to control events to suit our own hearts.  We can never have all that we desire, and so we suffer.

     A woman giving birth naturally knows that she is about to dive into a world of pain, but she also knows that motherhood lies at the other end.  An athlete learns to embrace the pain of training, because he knows that many rewards lie at the other end.  We can use our pain to help us grow and transform, pushing us slowly out of our cocoons, showing us how strong we really are.  If we ignore the urge to stuff it down or push it away, the suffering in life will naturally rise and fall with the tide.  Every time it comes up, if we allow it, it will crack us open a bit more, helping us develop more fully.  Every time it goes, it will bring us gratitude for our own resilience.  Learn to relax through the pain, the anger and the fear.  Just feel it rise like a wave, and let it melt back down.  If you relax, you can turn that energy into light.

     

10.  Death is scary.

     Here, right now, on this Earth, in our lives, everything seems so permanent.  All of our relationships, all of the things we've collected and the places we've been.  When I think about it, in this moment, it seems that my husband and I and my children will be here together forever.  Then I begin to think about reality.  The reality is that there will come a time when we have to say goodbye to each and every person that we love.  Every single one.  Maybe it will be you who is making the transition into the unknown, maybe it will be someone you love.  Maybe it will be a long illness, and maybe it will be a sudden accident.  Think of a cause of death, and I can tell you right now that it has probably happened to someone.  Death lies ahead, waiting for each one of us, and not even the wisest sage or smartest person can tell us where we are going.  Death is so looming and mysterious, such a companionless adventure, and from where we sit in these human lives, it can seem so scary.

     Death is only scary if you try to resist it.  If you actually believe that your worrying will keep your children alive, or that your health food obsession will prolong your life, you are trying to control something that is uncontrollable.  Yes, your healthy food obsession might make you happier while you're here, and yes your worrying might make you a more cautious parent, but the only true peace comes in accepting that there is no escaping death.  You have no control, so just surrender.  You are already dead.  Your time here is a quick season, and then you're off to unknown territory, where every other human has gone before you.  You will not be the first to die, and you will not be the last, because it is the destiny of all living things to live out their lives and perish.  There is such beauty in the realization that there could be anything beyond that tunnel of light.

     Throw yourself into the winds of life and let them carry you upward.  Surrender to the inevitable and find a sense of peace in it.  Trust yourself and your strength, always knowing that your spirit will survive it all.  Have faith in the deeper, invisible world.  Embrace the mystery.  Float up into your higher self, where you are connected to all that you hold dear, and you will see that there is nothing to be angry about, nothing to grieve, and nothing to fear.

"Moonlight Beach" by R. Noelle.

www.RNoelle.com

Dealing With Bad Days

    "To stand up and be worn 

to something deeper 

is a pledge that living 

forces us to keep."

-Mark Nepo

     From the moment we are born on this planet, we are subject to the elements, the unknown, emotions, responsibilities, and all kinds of fluctuating energies both inside and outside of us.  Each moment brings new possibility for change, both negative and positive, and none of us know how to predict the way we will feel at any given moment.  Some people treat their bodies badly and live to be 100, and others who die young are puritanical about their self care.  Sometimes we get hardly any sleep, and wake up feeling refreshed...and sometimes we sleep for hours and wake up exhausted and cranky.  I used to think that I could prepare myself for the next day, and what it would bring, but I am realizing more and more that I really have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I do not know how to ensure that tomorrow will be a good day, that I will wake up feeling happy, or even that I will still be alive.

     Sometimes my brain goes to the thought, "What if this is my last day?"  I wonder if the clothes I'm putting on will be the clothes that I die in.  I worry about all the things I haven't done yet in my life.  I worry about the welfare of my kids.  Sometimes I wake up and feel the weight of my responsibilities crushing me, before I even lift my head off the pillow.  My worst mornings are the ones where the pressure of waking into real life feels like quicksand, pulling me out of my free and glorious dreamland.  I drag myself up and stagger around, fulfilling my morning routine slowly, methodically.  I notice that some of my hair falls out in the shower, and I am suddenly overwrought with depressing thoughts about aging, fears about going bald, anger that youth is so short.  I look in the mirror, picking every inch of myself apart, reprimanding myself for not being healthy enough, for not working out hard enough, for eating too much sugar, for everything.  I reprimand myself for being too hard on myself.  Of course, it's a bad hair day.  Of course I have dark circles under my eyes.  No amount of makeup can make me look the way I wish I looked, and no cute clothes can turn me into the young, perfect Barbie doll that I (at this moment) believe I should be. I drop my eyeshadow and it breaks into a billion pieces on the floor.  I hit my head as I'm standing up from cleaning the mess.  My daughter refuses to get out of bed and get ready for school.  We are late for school and work, and we get stuck waiting for a train.  A taxi cab runs a stop sign and almost kills us all...

     In the past, (until I read the book Untethered Soul), each and every one of these events would have built up inside me, and I would have ended up pulled over on the side of the road weeping, or racing onto the freeway with severe road rage.  But something clicked inside me when I read this book, and it is impossible for me to ignore.  So much so that I have been reading it one chapter per month, so as to make sure that I'm applying Michael A. Singer's concepts to my daily life.  I know now that I cannot allow any event or string of events to close up my heart and ruin my day.  Now that I have been awakened to the infinite strength inside my own soul, I know that I can depend on myself to just observe the thoughts and events as they pass through, and let them go.  In every moment of our lives, including the worst ones, we have a choice to either let our consciousness delve into negativity, or to allow the deeper, stronger part of ourselves to take over and bring us forward.  

     The real you, your soul, is meant to listen and observe.  This part of you is witness to all of the crazy thoughts that reach out into the depths of your fear, anger, sorry and joy.  The real you is not the critical voice, the paranoid voice, the nagging voice, or any of the other voices you hear as your day unfolds.  The real you is the one who is underneath all of that, observing it.  So if we can observe the patterns of our brains, then we also have the power to control them.  We may not be able to control what pops up in the first place, but where we let it go is completely under our control.  As the taxi driver speeds away, not even flinching at the fact that he almost killed my family, I observe my thoughts become murderous.  I want to chase him, to crash my car into his, to punch him, to scream.  These thoughts begin to lead into further thoughts that take me deeper and deeper into rage and misery.  This is the point where I know I need to take control, and I know that the sooner I take control, the easier it's going to be for me, and the better chance I have of having a peaceful day despite the events that take place.  

     Have you noticed how one bad thought leads to the next?  Have you noticed that the more you let your mind spiral off, the harder it is to recognize reality?  I am still battling with vices and obsessions that I must work on every day to let go of-needs and thought patterns that I created out of fear, resentment and boredom.  These thought patterns used to be my reality-I allowed my mind to obsess severely over things that eventually destroyed relationships, dreams, opportunities.  I obsessed so much over certain things that I eventually ended up making them realities, and believe me-these were not positive things.  I clung to my vices for comfort when my obsessions had brought me to my lowest, and I circled down there in my own scum for years and years.  I know from experience how easy it is to let your mind get lost, which is why I really believe in the importance of controlling your thoughts.  When I read Untethered Soul, I realized that not only is it possible to bring yourself back into reality, but it's also very simple.  Just remember that your thoughts aren't you.  Recognize your soul and learn to rely on it.  Your soul is stronger than any thoughts, emotions or events that you experience, and all you have to do is observe where your mind is going, reel it in, and relax.  Letting go and moving on has nothing to do with stuffing the feeling down, and everything to do with breathing, physically relaxing, and saying "Hello...and goodbye" to passing thoughts and feelings.  If we can rely on ourselves to drop down into our souls during difficult moments, if we can reel our consciousness back in when it lashes out, if we can keep the negative and positive energy in constant flow, if we can experience each present moment that comes, then we can move our lives forward and upward, away from the stagnant waters of misery.

     I am developing little ways in which I can rely on myself to pull through tough situations.  In the early morning when I am already feeling angry or sad, and I dread coming into real life again, I know that if I just breathe for a while, if I just sit up and do one round of chanting, if I envision all of the people who will smile at me today, I am then able to take the next step forward and set foot on the floor with gratitude.  In the shower, as I begin to panic about hair loss, I stop and remember something Mark Nepo once said, "Misery stems from a loss of perspective."  I ask myself, "What does that mean to me?  How does that apply to this situation?"  Immediately, I have my answer-that there is no time in this world for getting lost in tiny, personal problems.  That there is no time in this world for being miserable over the way we look, or might look some day.  We are all here to age and die.  We ourselves are only a passing season.  In the vastness of eternity, in the grandeur of the universe, what does it matter that two hairs fell out of my head?  What does it matter if all my hair falls out?  There are beautiful sights to be seen.  There are wondrous millenniums to unfold.  There are people to love and support, friends to grow old with, children to guide.  There is a universe full of unknown miracles.  There is your destiny, my destiny, our destiny as a species, as a planet, as life.  We are alive, and we are so fragile.  We are almost gone, and here we are-fighting, obsessing, skulking around in misery.  But when we live from our souls and allow them to keep us present, we can find the peace and perspective we need to save both ourselves and the world.

     Bad days will happen.  Difficult events will happen.  None of that has to break us.  None of it has to be held in.  None of it has to escalate.  Let's let it all move through us, let it all change us.  Let's surrender our egos and stay open to the mystery of our lives.  Let's be kinder to ourselves.  Let's be more understanding with others.  Let's make it our goal to discover our own souls, to close our eyes and recognize ourselves.  Let your smile bring you wrinkles and let your hair fall out.  Find something bigger, deeper and more lovely to live for.  Join me in the ups and downs, and we can continue to bring each other into the truth.  Release the light of your soul, and I will release mine.  Eventually, one day, if we are lucky enough to be old, wrinkled and bald, we will smile knowing that we experienced every moment.

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

-Emerson

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