Keep the Channel Open

Hello everyone! Happy 11-1-11! It's been a while since I've been on here...partly because of wedding plans, partly because of Halloween, but mostly because I went through an inspiration dry spell. Whenever this happens to me, I have to battle myself kicking and screaming, because half of me wants to create anyway, and half of me says, "Well, then what the heck are you going to create?" Then I wrack my brain for inspiration, and when it's not there, I think there's something horribly wrong with me, and that I will never create again.

I have moments of creativity, enlightenment, inspiration--where everything flows, and I feel that the world is my oyster. Those moments last for as long as they want to, and then I'm often left dry, and uninspired by everything. I try reading the same books that inspired me in the first place. Nothing. I listen to music. I watch the sunset. I go out into the world with open eyes and open arms. Nothing. It seems at those times like I have nothing left to give, and I wonder if I ever will again. In defeat, I finally turn inward and put my efforts into things like eating, sleeping, family, and every day responsibilities. Then, one day, out of the blue, inspiration hits like a tidal wave. I can't write fast enough, and when I go back to read what I wrote, I think, "Where did that come from???" I can't create fast enough, and I can't spread my inspiration fast enough or far enough. Everything flows. Everything is easy. Hard work is easy and fun, because the final picture is so clear in my mind.

So here's a question for you: do you believe that inspiration is always inside you, as a part of you that you can only access when things are "flowing" in your life? Do you believe that your creativity, or lack of it, is a reflection on you? Do you believe that your work is a reflection on you? Is your self worth wrapped up in whether or not you can create something "wonderful?" This very idea is what I accepted as truth for most of my life. I was a very creative person, but also a very self destructive person, always judging what came out, how much came out, and how other people reacted to what came out. Appreciative audiences had me walking on clouds, while unresponsive audiences, or (EEK!!) bad reviews put me into a deep depression where I would rethink my whole existence as an artist.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of two of my favorite books, Eat Pray Love and Committed, spoke once on TED about creativity. This video changed my life. Make sure you watch the whole thing, because some of the best stuff is at the end.

http://youtu.be/86x-u-tz0MA

Around the time I found this video, when I was beating myself up about every single thing I did wrong in dance and theatre, my mentor at the time sent me this quote from legendary choreographer Martha Graham:

"There's a vitality, a life force; a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.

No artist is pleased. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the rest."

Wow. Synchronicity?

Although my old self believes that it is my business to judge everything I create, there is no way I can continue my life as an artist with that belief. Look at what has happened to so many creative minds of the past centuries. I spent too many years in depression and anxiety over my self worth as an artist, and the more I judged my work, the less it flowed. Changing my beliefs was not easy, so I printed out the Martha Graham quote, framed it, and put it next to my bed. I now look at my "artist's depression" as a "queer, divine dissatisfaction" that keeps me marching, and makes me "more alive than the rest."

Whatever your passions are, whatever it is that you alone have to give to the world, just remember that the only way it will exist is if you keep the channel open. Let the spirit of creativity move through you. Catch it and make it your own. Give it to the world, and then let it go. Take care of yourself, your body, your heart. Go within when you need to refuel, and do so without judgement. Be kind to yourself.

Be more alive than the rest.

Photo 1--Model--Melissa Mc Ewen (everything else by me)

Photo 2--Model--me/ Photo by Nathan Machain

Photo 3--Model--me/Photo and graphic art by Nathan Machain