"I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have."
-Abraham Lincoln
Cheating isn't something you can clearly define, because every relationship has its own set of boundaries. From fundamentalist religious beliefs to polyamory communities, the rules and guidelines that we give ourselves and our partners reflect what makes us comfortable. So why then, if we have the freedom to choose what kind of relationship we want to be in, are there so many people lying and cheating on their partners? Why do so many people live double lives, pretending to be something that they're not?
I have some friends who were cheated on, and who went on to being very trusting people anyway. I have friends who have never trusted anyone. For many years I was so ashamed of my insecurities and fears that I couldn't talk to anyone about them, not even my therapists. ,For many years I believed that to just be a part of me. "I'm just not a trusting person," I would say, and leave it at that. But I don't want to believe that it's part of my genetics, or part of my character. I don't want to believe that I will never trust. I want it so, so badly, and yet, I am sometimes not quite sure how to find it.
I remember the first time I was cheated on, by my 6th grade boyfriend and my "best friend." I missed one day of school because I was sick, and they kissed each other in front of everyone. In the end, neither of them turned out to be decent people, but at the time, I was devastated. Why would a girl do that to her best friend? Why would a boy do that to his girlfriend?
The second time someone cheated on me was in high school. In 9th grade, I fell in love with the bad boy at school. He skipped class to smoke and drink, he treated me like crap, he was a "real artist" and I loved him. He could do no wrong. He would rip off other people's artwork and claim it as his own brilliant idea. He would steal song lyrics and poetry and put them in his writings. He was so threatened by my talent in dance that he actually waited all evening in the car once because he didn't want to come inside and see my show. Sad, huh? So this guy who I loved so much cheated on me after about 6 months, and I was devastated. Two years later, we got back together and a year later, he did it again, with the same girl. Not only had he cheated on me twice, but he had been deceiving me in the most unbelievable ways for months, while looking in my eyes and telling me that he loved me. He bought me a promise ring, which I considered an engagement ring. We talked about marriage. Turns out he had bought that very same ring for the other girl too, and the only reason he bought it for me was so that he could look at my hand and pretend that it was hers. One day he was saying he loved me, and the next he was dumping me and destroying every picture he had every taken of me. Again, I was devastated, and I had no idea why someone would want to hurt me in this way. I had no idea why he had felt the need to lie to me and tell me that he loved me.
Well, in the end, it turns out that those two had not been able to stay away from each other since elementary school, and they are now married with tons of kids. I was just a speed bump on their road to marital success, which I thank God for now, but here's the problem...the second time I put my trust in him was the last time I was able to put my trust in anyone. After the fateful night when I called the other girl up and she told me about his letters and phone calls, about the ring and about all his lies, after I threw his ring in his face and drove away, I was met with the realization that you cannot tell if someone is lying to you, and therefor you can't trust anyone.
I dated like a crazy person after that, and was married and pregnant within a year. I was desperate for some sense stability, desperate to feel worthy and loved. I chose the most normal, transparent person I could find and settled down, thinking all my troubles were over. Yup...I don't think so. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and marriage threw me for a loop, and no matter how hard I tried to be normal, things just got more and more difficult. Every problem, every hurt that I had held in from my past relationships and my present marriage was bubbling up. Every time that pain began to bubble up, I began to push it down. I was so angry-so angry at everyone who had ever hurt me, so angry at my husband for being so clueless, so angry at myself for not being able to say what I needed.
During pregnancy and as a new mom, I became isolated in my home, my husband working and commuting long hours. I sat around, taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, trying to lose the pregnancy weight. I began obsessing over where he was, and who he was with. I began wondering if he was leading a double life, if he really was who he said he was. I held in all my worries and fears, ashamed of even mentioning them. I began to assume that all of my greatest fears were true, and resenting him for things he had probably never done. Eventually, after feeling all of these terrible things, and never talking about them, after building up resentments and closing down my heart, a man came into my life who offered me the perfect chance to cheat. And I did. After knowing exactly what it feels like to be horribly betrayed, after having been faithful to my partners all my life, the tables turned and I became a cheater.
It started with one serious affair, which lasted an entire year. I knew every day of my life that I had become one of those "double life" people, one of those people I had never understood. I had allowed myself to fall in love this this other person, and so my inability to choose became enough of a justification in my mind to just continue on. I became unnervingly good at lying, even while looking into the eyes of someone I loved. Of course it ended in explosion, it always does. But after that there were more. Eventually I fell in love with one of my affairs, and left my husband. I got married a second time, and did the same thing again. I held everything in, building up resentments and fears, until my heart was desperate for love. At that point in the cycle, once again, I had closed my heart too much to allow my husband in. I bounced around for a while once more, and then fell in love again. Left my husband and got married again, and here I am.
I think it's probably safe to say that anyone who betrays you has been betrayed themselves. It begins with heartbreak that you don't recover from, and it grows. The more you let it eat at you, the more vindictive you begin to feel-towards yourself, your partner, and to everyone. When we lie to ourselves and justify bad behavior, we cannot help but lose more of our self worth every day. When you have lost your self worth, you have also lost any sense of value you may have had regarding your relationships and any vows you may have uttered in the past. The human mind is brilliant at stuffing things it doesn't want to think about, and it's amazing how easy it is to forget important things when you are lost in the moment. But the human soul is another story. With all my brilliant lying, with all my carefully detailed finagling, I had never been so miserable. I hated myself when I was a liar and a cheater more than I had ever hated anyone else. And the more I proved to myself that I was untrustworthy, the more I knew I could never trust anyone else.
The opportunity to cheat kind of sneaks up on you. Things aren't going so well in your relationship, somebody cute comes along in some facet of your life, and suddenly you are locking eyes for far too long, having lengthy conversations about personal issues, hugging, brushing hands... The hugs get longer, and you start texting. You allow yourself to fantasize about that person, and you know that he/she is doing the same. Look how far down the rabbit hole you have gone already, and it started with just two people looking at each other. But I have chosen a committed relationship, and a life of trust, so that no longer works for me. These seemingly innocent interactions with people who try to attract us are the very thing that keeps us from truly committing to the one we have vowed to love.
Like I said before, every relationship is different, but even polyamory groups have rules. It really helps to be clear on exactly what you expect from your partner, from the very beginning. If you can't handle the ex girlfriends hanging around, say it. If you like having more than one woman, say it. Don't pretend to be one thing just to win someone over, and then stuff the rest of you beneath the skin. It's all going to come out eventually. Whatever it is you want in a relationship, just be honest about it in the beginning, and if things change, be honest about that. We have so many expectations put upon us by society and religion, which works just fine for many people, but when it's not working, don't be afraid to speak up. If you are about to break a set of vows, or even a promise to someone, stop and think, "
"Do I want to...
A. Do what it takes to work on this relationship
B. Negate the vows and move on
C. Lie and cheat so that I can pretend that everything is ok and still get what I want?"
Whatever the rules are in your life relationships, you were the one who agreed to them in the first place, so treat them honorably. It's better to stand up and speak than to cause infinite destruction with your fear and carelessness.
Boundaries: something I've had to learn a lot about. There are lots of small boundaries to cross, such as staring, flaunting, texting, emailing and physical touch boundaries, and these are the little things that lead to BIG things. A huge boundary that I see a lot of people crossing is... inappropriate conversation topic. We don't share the details of our marriage with anyone, unless that person has the well being of said marriage in their best interest. We don't talk about important personal relationship issues with anyone who might be perceived as a threat. Honestly, it's none of their business. There are many people out there who have no problem crossing boundaries, and so you have to set your own and stick to them.
People cross a lot of boundaries with body language. They hold on too long, they squeeze too tight, they flaunt around to get your attention. Sometimes this is appropriate, sometimes it's not. Go with your gut, and be careful trusting people who come on strong. They have nothing invested in your vows or your relationships, so what do they care? They will happily destroy your entire life, and walk away unharmed. Is it really worth it to succumb to such behavior? I find it's best to just look into people's eyes and see that they are human. I find it's best to just concentrate on your health instead of worrying how sexy your body is. Save your flirting and your fantasies for your partner, and things will just keep getting hotter. If your body language is sending out sex signals, or if you are attracted to that in someone else, just remember what your boundaries are, and focus on the person you are committed to. Be a friend, a sister, a brother, a teacher to others, but never a boundary-less whore. You are too good for that!
You may not think that a cheater can change, and you may not believe you can trust again, but I am here to tell you that anything is possible. With a partner who values you, a strong sense of your own boundaries and a lot of hope, trust and honor can be gained little by little. Moment by moment, with the decisions that we make, our self worth can be recovered. Even the most frightened of us can begin to feel the cracks in our hearts loosening and opening. Even the most resentful of us can be shown how to love if we are willing to let ourselves be seen. There is no reason to lack integrity, because it is in our true nature. Integrity itself means "complete," and we are indeed complete, and much happier within it.
I never would have believed this, but I am beginning to trust. In setting boundaries for myself, I have defined myself as someone who has worth. My third husband is my coach in this journey, which is an admirable position, considering he gets the brunt of my emotion. He listens to me, he encourages me to speak. He tells me that he loves me no matter what I do, and so he completely owns my heart. He holds his arms open to me even when I feel like packing, because he completely trusts me. Feeling his trust in me is a huge part of my healing. Every day, when I am faced with small choices like, "Should I check his email?" or "Should I walk away, take a deep breath and let it go?", I try to choose the one that I know is moving me in the right direction.
When I have to talk about something, I do it. Sometimes it takes me a while, but I get it out. Moment by moment, day by day, I make conscious decisions to communicate, to open my heart even when it's fucking scary, and to never hold on to grudges. If I'm scared about a circumstance, or a specific person, I do everything I can to get up the nerve and just ask. I never regret asking, because each time we have a conversation, another burden is lifted. I choose integrity consciously until it begins to feel natural. I choose to be honest with myself. I have chosen trust, in myself and in my husband, and slowly, with time, it is trickling in.
"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
-William Shakespeare
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