"That which is destroyed in a person during conscious work brings new life. Creativity comes through death, as the death wish simultaneously becomes the wish to be reborn. You must be destroyed in the process of being reborn."
-Rudi
I go through periods of time when I'm just downright tired of being human. As the alarm pulls me out of my dreams in the morning, I groan, wishing I could stay in that dream world forever. Meanness, rudeness and indifference stab like a knife, and I feel myself choosing between sad defeat and angry retaliation. Either way, I feel horrible-about myself, about others, about life, about the world. There are many things I have been working on within myself, and none of them seem to be improving. All that work, all that pain, to just be in the same place, with the same problems.
There is no way for us to see clearly where we are going, and who we are becoming. We see everything through tainted eyes that are full of beliefs, opinions, judgments. At times like these, I feel old, ugly, and completely incapable of doing all of the things I want to do with my life and my relationships. All the work I've put into growing and changing seems to slip back into nothingness, and there I am again-the same child, with a big huge wall around her. Despite the constant work of opening, opening, opening, I feel cursed with the belief that I will never really be open because my brokenness has healed over into a big, ugly scar.
Even though I feel completely alone with my problems, I know that we all experience these days. We all feel angry, used and tired, fed up with constant inner work and facing triggers. The work of growing and changing is hard stuff, and sometimes the hard part comes when we think we should have changed already. But how are we to know, when we are stuck inside ourselves, living our daily life, what true change will actually look and feel like? We don't. We just have to continue on every day, facing ourselves and each other, and praying that our decisions and beliefs are leading us into a good place, away from the circles of conditioning and patterns.
Being in this place, I think, is a normal part of life. It is whether you are still circling in old conditioning, or you are pushing the envelop and building something new for yourself. It's scary and it's trying, but it's normal. When people decide to become something new and really look deep within their hearts to find out what needs to be healed, this is only the beginning of the change. The rest of the change is a moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month practice that has its ups and its downs. Sometimes you impress yourself by exhibiting a new behavior or learning a new tool. Sometimes you disappoint yourself by sliding back into old, embarrassing patterns. There is no such thing as a perfect human, and to have a life based on growth is to have a life of ongoing work.
We must be patient with ourselves and each other. We must keep moving slowly toward the happiness and love that we want, always believing that we are capable and worthy of having it. When we are lost, we don't always need direction or advice, although that is what most people will want to give. What we need, at our lowest moments, when we are feeling burdened by just being ourselves, the best thing anyone can say to us is, "I know what that's like. I go there sometimes too. Don't worry-you will find your way out, into something beautiful. You are loved, and you are capable of having the life that you want. Keep up the good work."
"For One Who Is Exhausted"
by John O'Donohue
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time."
For this painting and others, please visit www.RNoelle.com
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