"Set family intentions. Hold the intention for a happy home life. Hold the vision and detach from everything that doesn't fit. Let go of the attachment to expectations. Get playful with it, change the atmosphere, change the subject. Engage the family-ask what a happy household means to your kids. Everyone must be on board for this to work. The old will disappear as you focus on the new. Take responsibility for the wonderfulness you are creating in your life."
-Steven Morrison
A couple years ago, my friend and therapist Steven Morrison gave me the assignment to sit down as a family and come up with a poster of "Happy Household Intentions." We did this, together, and it was the beginning of a beautiful and challenging journey for myself, my husband and my three daughters. Around the same time, we also put the kids on a "point system" where they get points for doing such things as chores, exercising and being extra kind, and they lose points for such things as leaving messes, violence and lying. They gain points for reading, studying, and educational software, and they take away points for movies, t.v. and video games. They record their points daily on a chart in the living room, and if they have fifty points at the end of the week, they get their allowance. Any extra points over the fifty will add up month by month and can be used for things like Yogurtland or even Disneyland, depending on how much they save.
The point system works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't. We make the kids clean up after themselves anyway, they help with dinner anyway, they do all these things anyway, but for some reason, they are lazy with recording their points. I remind them often to record points, but the system has to be self motivated for it to work. We have recently cracked down on the points system again, and here's why: if we are able to get the kids self motivated to do their work and get their allowance, then we won't have to nag them anymore! They will get their allowance for doing the things they are already doing, and we can all be a part of a smoothly functioning household. I still do a lot of repeating myself, but the girls are growing up fast, and it's all getting easier, little by little.
The Happy Household intentions poster went up a couple years ago, but like anything, it's a transition. We still fight with each other, and we still get angry. The kids still get violent sometimes when they're angry, but they know now that there is a big price to pay. Just this morning, my youngest lost 50 hard earned points when she punched and scratched her sister. No one is exempt from consequences, and the best part is that I don't have to come up with a punishment on the spot. Of course, we had a discussion and she got a time-out, but it was the points that she was really bummed about. My point is that there are five living, breathing personalities in this household (eight if you count the cats) and of course we're going to clash sometimes. Of course we're going to deal with anger, depression, laziness, rebellion and conflicting opinions...but now that we have both a set of intentions for a happy household and a system of reward and consequence, everyone knows exactly what's expected of them. Removing any doubt or question on duties, behavior and boundaries gives the whole family a safe place to be themselves, and a feeling of belonging to a team.
Every child needs to know what is expected of them in the household, and I believe it's best when those expectations prepare them for their solo integration into society. Children should not be expected to be slaves to others, nor should they expect others to clean up after them. They need to be taught how to be responsible for themselves and their words and actions, and they need to be taught that everything they put out into the world will come back to them. They must have a sense of healthy community in their upbringing, if they are to carry on a strong legacy. They must learn a sense of boundaries, and a sense of self worth. This is our job as parents. Our job is not to spoil them rotten with sugar and toys, to ignore them because we're too busy, or to smack them because they're too loud. Our job is to teach them what it feels like to live in respect, to think before they speak and to have happy intentions. The point of being a parent is to take an active role in guidance, nurture and boundary setting. The point of being a parent is to become the very best possible version of ourselves, so that we can teach by example. We let go of such expectations as "when will this happen and what will it look like?" and accept each other unconditionally. We keep our eyes on the happy household intentions, each person working little by little on themselves, each person contributing to the whole.
With all of the ups and downs we have in this household, my children have impressed me beyond belief. They excel in school, they are very healthy, and they are wonderfully compassionate people. Personally, I believe that they were born wonderful and that they have taught me just as much as I have taught them, but if I were to take credit for them I would say that the most important thing I ever gave my kids was love. The consequences and rewards, the points and responsibilities, the boundaries and rules are important tools, but for kids to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what is the key to conscious parenting. Growing up with unconditional love is what gives us the strength to be ourselves in the world, and to continue the positive evolution of our own lineage. There is nothing more important than love, and showing our kids that we care enough to teach them and train them is just another way to express how much we love them.
Here is our list of rules for the happy household. This list is unique to our family and the things we're working on at the moment, but most of these rules would be relevant everywhere.
Rules and Intentions for a Happy Household
* Speak kindly and honestly. No trash talking, name calling or teasing.
* Treat everyone with respect.
* If you get it out or use it, you help put it away.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Listen before you speak. Try not to interrupt others.
* Every person who eats the food must help with dishes, cooking, table setting and blessing.
* We are all equally responsible for the care and wellbeing of our pets.
* Find a pleasant way to communicate. Leave negativity and criticism behind.
* Build each other up, help each other out. We are only as strong as we are united.
* Love is our religion.
* When we invite friends over, we show them these rules. If our friends do not clean up after themselves, we are personally responsible for them.
* Be encouraging to each person in the household. Be a part of the support system.
* Treat everyone's belongings with care, including your own.
* We are safe to express ourselves. We always talk to someone when something is bothering us.
* We accept each other just the way we are.
* We are in this together.
Technical Do's and Don'ts
Do stand up for yourself.
Do stand up for each other.
Do help out without being asked, and then record points on your own.
Do record your points with every task you do.
Do fun points as well-Just Dance, swimming, reading, cooking, piano practice, educational games, etc.
Do plan sleepovers ahead of time.
Do suggest and plan fun family activities.
Do keep yourself clean and healthy.
Do encourage visitors to follow these guidelines.
Do use giraffe language.
Don't put your shoes on anyone's bed.
Don't take food into the bedroom.
Don't put your elbows on the table.
Don't use violence, ever.
Don't steal.
Don't go on electronics unless you have points.
Don't use jackal language.
Don't pass up a chance to say "I love you" or "I'm sorry."
You will notice that I used the terms "giraffe" and "jackal" language. This is something I got from Marshall B. Rosenberg's book Teaching Children Compassionately. It is a book about nonviolent communication, focusing on communicating with children. A must read for all parents.
I hope this list inspires you to create your own happy household list or poster. It is very difficult to change and grow, especially as a group, if the intentions are not known, shared and always evolving. Take good care of yourself and your children, lead always by example, enjoy this moment that you have, and remember-this list isn't just for your kids-it's for you too!
"Family is not an important thing. It's everything"
-Michael J. Fox
"A happy family is but an earlier Heaven."
-George Bernard Shaw
"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. Improve your attitude towards your family."
-Bo Bennett
"The family is the nucleus of civilization."
-Will Durant
"The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home."
-Confucius
"Charlotte" by Rebecca Noelle
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